From left to right: Matt, Warming Glow readers, Jon

A firm handshake to all the other guest editors who appeared over the past week, and apologies to the commenters whose terrible television viewing habits I steadfastly refused to validate. Your real dad returns tomorrow, hopefully with Lobster Dog in tow.

8:00, Fox – The All-Star Game. There are upwards of 80 All-Stars this year. In order to make sure each able player makes an appearance, the league has instituted an extra defensive position that requires standing directly on top of the plate at all times. This is a terrible idea!

9:00, ABC – Downfall. Watch this show with your friends. Every three minutes or so, grin, shake your head, and say things like, “Oh brother… what is America coming to?” and “Sure sign of the apocalypse…”. Your friends will laud you for your unique insight into such matters, and may even ask you what you think about Britney Spears.

10:30, Comedy Central (repeat) – South Park’s “Margaritaville” episode. It’s not the best episode in recent South Park history, but it’s close.

11:00, FX - Louie. Hopefully this episode is as good as the last one, which, of course, was the most beautiful, indispensable masterwork that we as a species have ever produced.

I’ve taken plenty of shots at Mad Men over the past few days, and I’d like to clarify: when you watch Mad Men, you aren’t watching a bad show. It’s just… well, here.

Because it is somewhat stylishly done,occasionally well-designed, and produced with overall aplomb, it is easy to ignore that Mad Men is a period-piece soap opera. Its better production values represent higher budgets and the benefits of a [weekly], rather than daily, schedule. It is cursed by the same ridiculous plots, unlikely characters, and preposterous acting as any of Grandma’s “stories.”

Seriously: take, for example, Pete Campbell’s attempt to blackmail Don Draper by revealing his Secret Past. This, and the fact that the primary character has a Secret Past of this sort to begin with, are unadulterated The Young and the Restless material.

Aesthetically, the show is hell of appealing, and most of the plots that actually revolve around the advertising business itself are genuinely interesting; the crime is that they aren’t the focus of the show. The star isn’t a particular concept or idea, but a character. He’s completely humorless and distant, which is fine if you’re Jack Bauer and you respond by axing terrorists in the chest, running a terrorist over with a bulldozer, running up a wall Bo Jackson-style and snapping a terrorist’s neck, etc., etc. Instead, Don Draper responds by staring at walls (always staring at walls, this guy) and maybe driving drunk or hanging out in dubious company. And even this would be okay if we had reason to care, but again, he’s humorless and distant, and we don’t. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve never been a huge fan of Adult Swim programming, but I can’t deny that Check It Out! With Dr. Steve Brule is amazing television. As interesting as it is to deconstruct great TV shows, it’s sometimes refreshing to see a show that stubbornly refuses to explain or even justify itself. It’s just there. And John C. Reilly, who plays Steve Brule, non-explains it perfectly.

ESQ: What about your miniseries on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim, Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule? Where’d you come up with the assertive, borderline mentally retarded character you play as the show’s host?

JCR: I just showed up with my costume and started channeling that guy. I don’t know where he came from. I find the less I say about Steve Brule the better. I think of him as real, and anytime I start to analyze him, it just gets really boring.

ESQ: And it’s entirely improvised?

JCR: Yeah. Are you getting the sense I don’t want to talk about Steve Brule?

ESQ: Yeah. Why is that?

JCR: Some things are just better left mysterious. I’m not really interested in picking it apart.

In my opinion, anyone who feels the need to deconstruct something like this isn’t quite up to the task of watching Steve Brule-centric programming. Why does he say “pruppets” instead of “puppets”? I don’t know, and more importantly, it doesn’t matter. If you’ve never had the privilege of watching this show, six minutes of it are after the jump. Try going a day without it. You’ll miss it, Charlie!

Marijuana is sort of like, I don’t know, yogurt, or The Montel Williams Show, in that it isn’t for me, but I’m all for everyone having the right to consume it. Williams, who has multiple sclerosis, says that marijuana helps to treat his condition:

I will [use marijuana] every day until the day I drop dead.

There is evidence backing up his claim, which he has espoused for years. In the world of celebrity gossip news, “self-medicate” (a cousin of “wardrobe malfunction”) tends to be delivered with a wink and a nudge to indicate, “hehhhh, this dude is gettin’ freakin’ high!” Yes, we are aware of the effects of marijuana and that people use it. Thanks, television! Anyway, regardless of the extent to which marijuana is helping him, it’s nice to see Montel in good shape. As a morally conscious, intelligent talk show host, he’s one of the best of a crummy genre. For further viewing, please see this clip in which Montel crumbles a “pray away the gay” suit into a bowl of chili and proceeds to eat it by the spoonful.

[Via Buzzfeed.]

Please enjoy the soothing sounds of music I liked when I was 18 years old that is not as crappy as it probably should be. (Still really crappy.)

Absolutely nothing happened in the Home Run Derby last night. Read all about it here! [SB Nation]

Did yall listen to pop rap rock in the 1990s? Is that the future of indie music? Thanks for still being the most maddening site I have ever read! [Hipster Runoff]

This isn’t in the playbook. But it should be. Unless you are younger than 5 (Danger Guerrero), Ken Griffey, Jr. was awesome during your lifetime. Last night, Nike ran an ad honoring his accomplishments. [YouTube]

Yes, another baseball link, because I’m one-dimensional: George Steinbrenner reportedly suffered a massive heart attack this morning. [CF News 13] UPDATE: Steinbrenner has passed away.

YOU AND I, LEATHER, ARE LIKE TWO OXEN IN A YOKE

8:00, ESPN – The Home Run Derby. According to WordCount, “back” is the 92nd-most oft-used word in the English language.  It would rank at #3,094 if it weren’t for Chris Berman.

9:00, A&E – New episode of Intervention. Reports indicate that this episode will feature a person on drugs sitting on couches and crying. This is one scant degree removed from Two and a Half Men, a show about a person on drugs sitting on couches and Jon Cryer.

9:00, NBC - Last Comic Standing. I cannot ever think of this show without thinking of this.

9:00, AMC – Repeat of Madmen. Who’s your favorite character from Madmen? I think that, probly, mine is, Don Madmen.

(This image is from a The Wire-centric art project by Blake Hicks. It is amazing.)

I’ll admit to only having seen two episodes of Fringe, but from what I gather, it’s decent-ish in a major network sort of way. (Analysis!) Of course, we all appreciate the show’s casting of Lance Reddick in a major role. Actually, I always appreciate it when an alumnus from The Wire gets work, even when it’s Herc  in 24 (as an NYPD beat cop who apprehends Jack Bauer and subsequently gets a right clobbering), or Marlo Stanfield in the terrible/terrific Jericho (as some sort of Army officer bumming around in rural Kansas).

Now, Fringe has cast Andre Royo as a cab driver in a guest role. It’s not much, sure, but here we have Bubbs and Cedric Daniels on the same show. Ideally, this show will slowly begin to bring on more and more actors from David Simon’s magnum opus, until eventually, the show basically becomes Season 6 of The Wire without the audience realizing it. Compelling plot points that the show never had the chance to expand upon: Poot getting disillusioned with the Foot Locker institution, Lamar’s quest to find rare back issues of Harper’s Weekly for Brother Mouzone, Marlo basically turning into Carl Johnson from GTA: San Andreas, and the Baltimore Sun’s Clark Johnson stomping around the newsroom and being mildly annoyed by everything.

Torii Hunter has been placed on the 15-day disabled list after being crushed beneath the foot of a giant shirtless child. What a bum.

Baseball is supposed to play a pastoral game, and yet every July, Major League Baseball insists on airing terribly disturbing commercials promoting their All-Star Game. Last year the commercial featured a giant hand reaching out from Heaven, ripping the Gateway Arch from its foundation, and using it as a magnet (!) to kidnap terrified Americans from across the country and maroon them in St. Louis.

This season, these people have dredged up the theory of spontaneous generation. Baseball players are magically conjured up from sand. Then Angel Stadium rises from the ground. (Pro tip: Angel Stadium is already in Anaheim, y’all, no need to make it  rise from the ground like some sort of satellite Mayan supervillain lair.) Then a 300-foot-tall Dennis the Menace looms over the stadium for no particular reason.

I’ve developed a method to determine whether something is or is not scary. Here, do this: Read the rest of this entry »

This video has been around for years, but it’s just as fascinating as the day it was uploaded. If you can explain to me what is going on here, I will give you a million dollars. It is all of the money that I have in the world.

Disney turns boring children into terrible adults. Danger Guerrero wrote this. It’s a grand read, but I’d like to take this space to mention that Danger Guerrero is a dumb 5-year-old idiot baby. If you asked him what one plus one is, he’d go like, “durrr.” (That is my impression of Danger Guerrero.) [Uproxx]

Because nobody would pay to see The Credible Hulk. Ed Norton is officially not going to play The Incredible Hulk in the upcoming Avengers movie. [UGO]

Jeff Gordon is handsome, and he’s a great champion. He’s the world’s fastest Christian! The first six seasons of King of the Hill are currently on Amazon for under $10 apiece. You can also buy them together for $225. Thanks, [Amazon]!

Jimmy Jump, everybody! An enterprising young man who calls himself Jimmy Jump donned a shirt that read, “Jimmy Jump Against Racism,” then ran onto the pitch in Johannesburg and attempted to place a hat on the World Cup trophy. “Jimmy Jump” sounds like advice from an auto mechanic who wants you to electrocute yourself. [SB Nation]

Gratuitous semi-self promotion. Last night, Vincente Padilla came close-ish to a no-hitter, and it reminded me of this Dugout Brandon wrote in the long long ago. Still makes me laugh my b*tt off. [The Dugout]

Danger Guerrero sucks. Look it up! [Googlecom]