Miley Cyrus does it, YOU SHOULD TOO.

It’s the dead of winter and everything’s looking bleak. The only gift you’ve bought for yourself over the past month and a half was a shovel that has rubber grooves that’ll help diminish the calluses you’re most definitely going to develop because of the tons and tons of snow that’ll pile up on your drive way as you long for the calming touch of spring’s first day to gird your loins and replenish your zest for life’s goodness. What’s going to cheer you up? Nothing, besides a brand spanking new Jet-Ski in your driveway that’ll give you something to look forward to as the dreary days turn into dreary months and you feel as if the adrenaline modules in your body have gone dead along with your interest in maintaining your friendships and finding happiness. Winter is around the corner and trust me, those days are coming. Remember, there is no life without hope, and what is hope when it doesn’t involve owning a Jet-Ski?

But owning a Jet-Ski isn’t all candies and roses, remember. You’re going to have to deal with the never ending bevy of beautiful women who will doggedly beg you to take them out for a spin on your prized vehicle as their hair that smells of lilac flips around your biceps of freedom. Need some children to scare? Have them hop on the back of your Jet-Ski and bring that baby to 60 MPH. I still have nightmares from my youth when my friend Lena’s father made me grip onto his stomach for dear life as he took me out for a death spin around the bay. As I saw the speedometer slowly climb and my grip on his beer gut slowly fade away I learned how it would feel like to sky dive without any arms; completely helpless and damn near screwed. Taking a wussy child out for a spin is grade-A child torture that any adult can enjoy. Plus your friends are going to start viewing you as a much cooler person than you really are. You’ll never be able to appreciate things as much as before because riding a Jet-Ski produces levels of adrenaline never before seen from the human body as you whip around buoys, jump around with dolphins, rescue fallen Corgis and fish for rainbow trout. Fun AND family feeding! Just ask anybody, especially baseballing legend Kenny Powers; owning a Jet-Ski is the ultimate human experience and the only thing holding you back is your inhibitions and the crippling economy. Get a loan!

Now before you go out and spontaneously buy a Jet-Ski like I’m commanding you to, you should probably take a look at the different models at your fingertips. Lucky for you, I’ve already done the research.

There are many types of Jet-Skis. Take for example the ‘single stand-up variety‘. You have to stand up while riding this baby. Because of this, they suck. When I’m operating a highly fun inducing motor vehicle if I have to stand I’m not getting involved. What am I doing, operating a lawnmower? Scratch that off your list. You’ll want one where you can sit down. This brings us to a choice between a single seater that can house a second person uncomfortably but provide premier mobility, or the double seater that will make having a second person on your craft feel like a breeze but with limited mobility. Do you want more friends or more fun? I’ll leave this choice up to you.

There is now a second very important choice you have to make: Should your craft dispense water upwards, like a trip to the urinal gone wrong or a Dolphin’s blow hole, or invisibly downwards into the ocean netherworld? As a child I was always fascinated with crafts that ‘peed themselves upwards’ because having your boat do that is exceptionally badass plus if you lined yourself up properly you can bathe your trailing Jet-Ski traveling partners (with due time as a Jet-Ski owner you will acquire them) with a shower of sea water. If my Jet-Ski doesn’t sea-pee over everybody I don’t want to own it. There’s your answer.

The last thing you need to figure out before you hit the Ebays is which brand to buy. There are many different companies that provide high quality Jet-Skiing, like Yamaha, Honda and Kawasaki. Unfortunately for them, they’re all Japanese companies and if we ever want to dig our country out of the financial morass we’ve found ourselves encumbered in, we can’t afford to buy Jet-Ski’s from foreign enterprises. Therefore, buy a Sea-Doo.

There you have it, everybody! Bingo:

Just make sure it sea-pees.

Anyways, if you can’t afford a Jet-Ski, why not check out this video about feinting kittens.

I don’t know about you, but there’s nothing more soothing than listening to Neil Young’s high nasal on a hot summer day while cruising the streets of Philadelphia at full volume in my 1998 Nissan Maxima as everyone on the streets turn their heads to gawk at the kid who isn’t playing Rihanna or Drake or whoever the cool new hip hop artists of today are.

If I crashed my car while listening to Cowgirl in the Sand so help me God I am not leaving the fiery wreckage until every 10:08 of that song is finished. If you’ve never heard it, do yourself a favor and berate your parents for never introducing Neil into your existence. Then go on youtube and get blown away by guitar sorcery and a lilting voice that seems to float over  the raw instrumentation like a beautiful cumulonimbus cloud over a belching Mount Saint Helens. Whether he’s ripping up guitar lines in a nonsensical fashion that brings to mind a thrashing tiger shark or making his guitar squawk like an angry toucan, everything about this song is perfect. And it may not even be the best offering from this eight CD archive of Neil’s early brilliance. Read the rest of this entry »