10 Things Not To Do At A Funeral

What’s funnier than a movie about a funeral starring British people and midgets? Why, a remake of a movie with British people done by Black people and a white midget. Thank God for Death At A Funeral. It’s like when New Kids On The Block stole New Edition’s music. But in reverse and slightly less awkward.

Watching the trailer for the movie has gotten me excited for a good comedy and, moreover, a good old-fashioned funeral. Instead of rocking back and forth in a dark room while cradling my copy of Catcher in the Rye like I would normally do, I decided to compose a list of things not to do at a funeral.

Promote Your Next Project

You have a lot of family coming to this funeral, including your rich uncle and your cousin that works for Universal Records. Please don’t hand your cousin your new mixtape called “No Mayo On My Sammich, Trick” by MC Skeet N’ Beat. Wait until the after party. They still do post-funeral after parties, right? I love those. Especially the wet t-shirt contests.

Fart

This is a given. The best way to avoid this is to try not to eat a large pre-funeral feast. Eat a light meal before the funeral: a bagel and a glass of OJ or something. Ha, I said OJ. It’s funny because he killed people.

Dress Like a Douche

Actually, if you wear Ed Hardy, you should probably be in the coffin. God smites those in Ed Hardy. It’s in the Bible. Walk in my house wearing a glittery shirt and I shoot you in the face. Walk in God’s house with spiked hair and a spray tan and he strikes you with a lightning bolt and hives that look like Snookie’s face.

Keep Your Phone On

Do people still have custom ring tones? Nothing screams “I have no soul” like a phone that plays “I’m From Miami, Bitch” every time Mom calls. This is especially true during a funeral. And trust me, when your phone rings at a funeral, it’s going to take you forever to find it. You probably don’t want to think of your dead aunt every time you hear “Party In The USA.” It’s bad enough you already think of sex with a minor.

Invite This Preacher

I was at a funeral once and the pastor went in to great detail about the cancer that worked its way through the deceased person’s body and exactly how she would decay into the earth. I thought that was the worst thing that could ever be spoken by a preacher. At least he didn’t call her a “Pale-faced Satan-spawn” like this guy would have done.

Vow Revenge

So you think it’s your plumber’s fault that the water pressure caused the shower to blow your second cousin’s head off. There’s a time and a place to express your anger. At the podium for the eulogy is probably not that place. Plus, there’s so much pressure to follow through. When Palestinians carry a body of a fallen civilian through the streets and vow revenge on the Israelis, they’ll probably come through on their vows. All you’ll do is write emo songs and put on black eyeliner. P_ssy.

Get Some Ass

Remember Wedding Crashers? A famous scene is Will Ferrell deciding to become a funeral crasher and hit on chicks. I know it crossed your mind, but you’re not Will Ferrell. First of all, you’re too smart to agree to act in Bewitched.

Put Your Dead Friend In Your Living Room

This should be a pretty tough one not to do. Just don’t stuff your dead homie. Then (and this is where it gets tricky) don’t stand his stuffed ass up in the corner of the living room. Apparently, this was the guy’s last wish. My last wish is to be buried in a shirt made of naked pictures of every girl I let ride Space Mountain. See how it’s not always good to listen?

I don’t think you grasp the awkwardness of this situation. So here’s another pic to let it marinate.

Forget To Invite Somebody

This phone call is real, right? It’s tragic.

Do Whatever Happens Here

This is probably the worse thing that can happen at a funeral. Everyone knows you shouldn’t invite Jay Mohr anywhere. He’s too stupid to realize he’s not funny.