Silence is golden. And it can kick your a## too.
Don’t you hate it when you meet a sexy girl and she ruins everything by talking? Me too, especially when the talking leads to her informing me that she’s my cousin. Hollywood is kind of like that, ruining perfectly awesome characters with stupid one-liners. Thankfully, some characers in movies, comics and the wonderful world of professional wrestling are able to maintain their badass personas by staying quiet. Here, we pay homage to badass characters that never utter a word.
Appears In: Meteor Man
Who Is he? First, if you haven’t seen Meteor Man, you have to. It’s the greatest movie with Black people since Glory or Baps. The premise is pretty simple: A meteor crashed down to earth, hitting the loveable Robert Townsend in the chest. Instead of killing him, like it’d do you and me, it gave him powers of flight, strength and a flawless mid-90s haircut. Marvin, played by Bill Cosby, is a homeless guy that stumbles upon meteor fragments and creeps everyone out until…
Badass Moment: The climactic fight at the end of the movie occurs when an army of blonde box cuts attack the wholesome urban community just as Meteor Man was losing his powers. Drama! Luckily, the previously creepy cliché with a heart of gold comes strolling in with his meteor and saves us from the hooligans. See, it’s a metaphor for how Cosby wants to punch every Black guy younger than 25 in the face for the way we wear out pants and deal drugs.
Appears In: Scarface
Who Is He? We don’t really know. Alejandro Sosa sent a small city of goons to take down Scarface, but gave that special, ominous nod to Scar as he sent the troops out. That’s what we in the biz call “foreshadowing.”
Badass Moment: I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to subdue someone in the midst of a coke-induced rage, but I can attest that it’s quite the chore. Especially if said coke monster is carrying a bazooka. During the big finale of the movie – which has to go down as one of the most ridiculous (read: awesome) gun fights in the history of cinema – a coked-up Scarface kills enough Bolivians to give Reagan a boner. However, Skull slowly creeps around the Montana mansion until he sneaks behind and delivers one silencer shot to the back of Tony’s head, ending the melee. That’s how you calm down a druggie.
This Guy From Batman
Appears In: Batman (1989)
Who Is He? Remember the first Batman movie? Remember the Joker’s right-hand man? He was a quiet badass throughout the whole movie. You just kind of knew that in order to get to the Joker, Batman would have to fight an epic battle with him. Well, that never happened. Instead, the biggest challenge Batman faced in the whole movie came from an unnamed fighter with a rope. It’s like Tim Burton just made his guy up on the spot and threw him in the movie.
Badass Moment: While Batman was making his way through a church to fight the Joker, he fought a few goons, punched one guy in the nards and some bald guy fell through the floor trying to jump super-hero. Then this fighter – who appears in the credits only as “Goon” – beat the holy elephant scrotes out of the Caped Crusader. He tosses Batman through a staircase, punches him into a bell and forces Michael Keaton to film Jack Frost. It wasn’t until Batman used some sneaky leg scissor that he was able to beat the villain in what was the last good scene the franchise would see for about 15 years.
Appears In: Anything related to G.I. Joe
Who Is He? Snake Eyes will slice you in half. The long way. He took on an oath of silence when he was younger and decided to let his slicing of Cobras and communists do the talking for him. He’s the G.I. Joe’s resident super-cool badass that likes to make sweet, sweet love to megahot G.I. Joe…er…lady, Scarlett. But really, what’s the point of having a hottie girlfriend if you can’t scream at her to fix you a panini?
Badass Moment: In the middle of the G.I. Joe movie, Snake turns and eviscerates Channing Tatum, then force feeds his innards to the cast of Save The Last Dance. It’s on the DVD extras. Or on my personal “List of Things God Should Make Happen To Prove He Exists.”
Sting (Crow Version)
Appears In: WCW 1996-1997
Who Is He? Sting was a hugely (in the “popularity” way, not the “roided up, back-acne way”) popular wrestler in the late-80s and early-90s. He had douch-like spiked hair and face paint. So, naturally, he was one of wrestling’s biggest stars. Then, as part of a story line, his fans (that means you!) betrayed Sting by thinking he was evil. Spurned by the ones he loved, he decided to dress like the Crow and hang out in the rafters. He didn’t speak for 18 months.
Badass Moment: During that time, Sting would drop down from the rafters almost weekly and crush Hulk Hogan’s Hulk-a-skull with a baseball bat. The brain trauma Sting caused rendered Hogan incapable of telling the difference between his post-divorce floosies and his daughter.
Appears In: Way of The Dragon
Who Is He? Bruce Lee gets involved with some mafia guys, which means it’s time to unleash ass-whippery like only Bruce could. In the end, he had to face the greatest human ever invented: Chuck Norris who, depending on who you ask, was playing a “character” named “Colt.” The rest of us would like to think it was a non-choreographed video of an actual fight between Bruce and Chuck.
Badass Moment: For about 45 seconds, Colt got the upper hand, beating up on Mr. Lee. Though Chuck loss, he put up a good fight and was part of the most dramatic chest hair removal in cinematic history.
I want more like this!
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