ENTER THE 36 CATHETERS: IF ‘THE GOLDEN GIRLS’ WERE WU-TANG CLAN MEMBERS

More often than not, responding to a ”roommates needed” ad, posted in a Miami grocery store, usually ends with you guest starring on a Bang Bros. episode (NSFW). But in 1985, when two brave, elderly women did just that (responded to an ad in a grocery store, not the Bang Bros. thing, sorry), their actions lead them to the address 6151 Richmond Street, or as American television audiences would come to know it: home to The Golden Girls. Later joined by one of the character’s mothers (talk about a c-ck block), three became four and the four became a cable phenomenon.

Dorothy Zbornak, Rose Nylund, Blanche Devereaux and Sophia Petrillo; a ragtag quartet of aging firecrackers, just trying to make sense of this crazy thing called menopause, potty-training, social security life. They had swagger and charisma, walkers and medication, but most importantly The Golden Girls had each other. A bond so tightly formed, you’d have to assume that they’d used denture adhesive.

At its dawn, The Golden Girls reinvented the parameters of what viewers thought a comedy on television could be. Suddenly, popular cultural topics were being addressed by four over-the-hill seniors; especially notorious for their mild profanity and reoccurring sexual references. The Golden Girls were to prime-time television what the Wu-Tang Clan were to hip-hop: pioneers of a social medium. That’s right, I’m referencing the Wu-Tang Clan, one of the hardest-hitting and socially relevant musical acts of our time. Though The Golden Girls didn’t use the words “f–k” and “cream” nearly as much as the Staten Island formed Wu-Tang, I do believe that Dorthoy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia were equally as prolific in their own right.

Grey hair or headbands, reading spectacles or gold chains, renegades are renegades no matter how you define them (unless of course you reference Lorenzo Lamas). And now, for your reading pleasure, I present to you the best of both worlds…

Enter the 36 Catheters: If The Golden Girls Were Wu-Tang Clan Members

Dorothy Zbornak as RZA

Aliases:

• Princess Rockingchair
• Robin Rust
• Dorothy Analog
• Zbornaksaurus Rex

Discipline: Dorthy Zbornak is our unofficial “Abbot” of The Golden Girls clan. Like the producer/lyricist RZA, Dorothy is often credited as the rock steady figure that the rest of the group can turn to for support. Dorothy is a methodical thinker; always studying a situation, before reacting to it. Like a carefully crafted chess move, Dorothy applies her strengths to help motivate those around her.

Blanche Devereaux as Method Man

Aliases:

• AvaBlanche
• Smokers Lung
• Blanchini
• The Blanchtula

Discipline: B-L-A-N-C-H-E! Blanche is the sexual deviant of T.G.G. . She loves her some man, and man, do men love them some Blanche. Blanche is strongly opinionated and always willing to be herself; even if it means having to justify her actions later. Like Method Man, Blanche is unbridled and original: she does what she wants, when she wants, regardless of the expectations placed on her by others.

Rose Nylund as GZA

Aliases:

• Liquid Sores
• The St. Olaf Brain
• Hawaiian Nylund
• The Simple Assassin

Disciplines: Rose “The Genius” is often regarded as being simpler than the other girls, though what lurks under the surface is a collection of calculated skills and abilities. With the Wu’s GZA arguably the strongest lyricist of the clan, Rose is the quiet brain of the household, studying and retaining her own set of skills, in much the same fashion. Though her passive demeanor often masks the talents that she hides; Rose waits for the necessary situations before unveiling her hidden talents.

Sophia Petrillo as Ol’ Dirty Bastard

Aliases:

• O.D.D. (Ol’ Dusty Diaper)
• Mushy Bananas
• Manger-Sized Jesus
• Optical Erosion

Discipline: Best known for her blunt honesty and erratic behavior, Sophia is the wild card of the bunch. Much like the late, great O.D.B., Sophia is unpredictable in her ways, but always entertaining. Regardless of the repercussions, Sophia’s vocabulary is a constant grab-bag of wisecracks and historical recollections, often using the famous catch phrase “Picture it…”. Arguably the show’s breakout character, Sophia’s personality is a beautiful constant of inconstant opinions and reactions.

For examples of Ol’ Dirty’s own beautiful shenanigans, look no further than these two clips:

1) O.D.B. picks up welfare check in a limousine:

2) Big Baby Jesus interrupts the Grammy’s:

New school or old school (even night school, if you’re my mom), country or rap, I think it’s safe to say that pioneers are refreshing regardless of the demographic or artistic medium they choose. From old white women to game-changing, urban artists – if you can revive and inspire a market, changing the expectations of what has come to be predicted, well hell, you can drink at my table. *slides over warm glass of milk*