Unless you’ve been living in the moron cave on Retard Mountain, you’ve probably noticed that romantic comedies are big business. Movies like The Proposal, The Ugly Truth, that one with Matthew McConaughey and the treasure; they’re out there earning two and three hundred million dollars. And if you think that’s because they’re good, I’ve got news for you, retard, you’re retarded. The truth is, they make that kind of scratch because they tap into a familiar formula that boring people find comforting and recognize as one of their own, rather than attacking with pitchforks like they would an intellectual challenge, or the town ogre. And now, because I’m such a righteous dude, I’m here to explain that formula to you, the cretinous layperson. Because as they say, don’t hate the player. Learn to make cheap knockoffs of his product, drive him out of business, and make his dog like you better than him, because f-ck that guy, who does he think he is.
STEP ONE: CASTING
Two people are going to fall in love, two people will be on the poster, and two people are the first step towards selling your movie.
The rule of thumb here is to know your audience: primarily women, and the pussy-whipped dorks they dragged with them. Therefore, you don’t want a “hot” leading lady. At least not the kind of actress guys think is hot, that’ll just give the girls an eating disorder. That means no busty sexpots or Victoria’s Secret models, no matter how meaty and turgid they make your boner. No, what you want is cute, an actress fashionable enough that women will look up to, but not so sexually irresistible as to be intimidating. Rom-coms with Jessica Alba or Jessica Simpson, they don’t do as well. Think Amy Adams, Sandra Bullock, Kate Hudson, Sarah Jessica Parker — if she’s thin and attractive, it helps to be a little flat chested. If she does have breasts, she should be uptight and shrewish, like Katherine Heigl or Jennifer Aniston.
As for your leading man, he should be someone that looks really good with his shirt off, like Matthew McConaughey or Ryan Reynolds or Channing Tatum. But in a pinch you can go with pretty much anyone halfway attractive, even James Marsden (as long as he’s a newspaper columnist, bitches love that). The same way women’s magazines have pictures of women on the cover, in romantic comedies, it’s really the woman that’s important. Is that because all women are closet lesbians? Probably not, but that doesn’t stop me from imagining hot lesbians 69ing in my closet.
STEP TWO: TITLE
The last thing you want in a rom-com is confusion or surprises, so your number one goal in a title should be an already-familiar phrase (preferably a song title) which communicates the entire premise. I.e., The Proposal, What Happens in Vegas, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Runaway Bride, 27 Dresses, Ghost of Girlfriends Past, The Break Up, My Best Friend’s Girl, etc. Failing that, your second option is an awful pun like Made of Honor or Maid in Manhattan. But wait! Did you notice that the second one is both? Congratulations, you are almost ready to write a Hollywood rom-com.
STEP THREE: KOOKY FRIENDS
The basic rom-com formula requires boiling all men and women down into fairly narrow archetypes — the career woman who’s not ready for love, the chauvinist who’s not ready to commit, etc. Since the audience might find this sort of insulting, you must have supporting characters, the kooky friends whose extreme examples of male and female stereotypes (women be shoppin! men be watchin the game!) will give your leads the illusion of depth. Often, this will be a talented but underutilized comedian or character actor slumming in your crappy rom-com because they need the paycheck. See: Philip Seymour Hoffman in Along Came Polly, Judy Greer in 27 Dresses (and Elizabethtown and 13 Going on 30…), Rob Corddry in Heartbreak Kid (and What Happens in Vegas and Failure to Launch…), Jason Sudeikis in The Bounty Hunter, and Jon Favreau in The Breakup. Which brings me to my next sub-point, bonus points if the kooky friend and the lead are actually friends in real life (like Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn). Reference your audience’s knowledge of Us Weekly whenever possible, it makes them feel smart.
STEP FOUR: POPULAR SONGS USED IN PAINFULLY LITERAL WAYS
Again, you’re not painting the Sistine Chapel here. You’re basically rubbing a dog’s tummy. You know what the dumb animals like, just give it them (no offense to actual, cuddly puppies). And what the dumb animals like is songs they know, delivered in ways they understand. Therefore, when the couple has sex the first time, you need “Feels Like the First Time” by Foreigner (actual example from Valentine’s Day, btw); when she learns to stand up for herself, “Respect” by Aretha Franklin (Bridget Jones Diary — Notice that the link is in Italian and yet you can still tell exactly what’s going on? Perfect); when he sets off alone on a journey, “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake. You might be thinking, wait, if he’s taking a journey, why not a Journey song? No. You’re being creative again, stop that. Besides, it’s not literal enough. The lyrics in the song have to perfectly match what the people onscreen are doing. That way even the stupidest moron in the audience can say, “Oh, I totally get why they’re playing that song!” If you want to use Journey, you’ll need “When the Lights Go Down in the City” while lights are actually going down in the city. Go ahead, you can even have that one.
STEP FIVE: THEY DON’T LIKE EACH OTHER AT FIRST
(“Yer BlackBerry fried da whole town!”)
Here’s what happens in every rom-com: two people meet. Then they screw. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to fill another 90 minutes. Therefore, your leads have to start the movie hating each other. Maybe he calculates risk for an insurance company, and she’s a free spirit who loves Ethiopian food. Maybe she’s an uptight career woman and he’s Matthew McConaughey. She’s a feminist, he’s a chauvinist. Point is, opposites attract and you find love where you least expect it — Hallmark clichés are your guiding principles here. Bottom line, your job is to provide an explanation for why these two attractive caucasians weren’t already bumping uglies 10 minutes after meeting each other. The more reductive the better. He’s an Israeli and she’s a Palestinian! Wakka wakka wakka!
STEP SIX: BUT THEN SOMETHING HAPPENS
(“I’m going to hit you with this microphone, and when you wake up, you’ll no longer be a respected comedian.”)
Okay, so you’ve got your attractive people, and you’ve established that they don’t like each other. Now you need some outside factors that will put them together whether they like it or not so they can fall in love. It’ll be like when you were a kid and you put some bees in a jar and shook it up, except, instead of stinging each other to death, they’re gonna f-ck, like your G.I. Joes. So now, you need a reason for your characters have to take a road trip to Ireland together, or pretend to be married so she doesn’t get deported, or team up to find a buried treasure. Maybe he’s been saying no to life, but one day he goes to a seminar and decides to say yes. Or a hypnotist flips a switch inside him that makes him relaxed all the time. Or maybe she takes coins from a magical Roman fountain and… Yeah, you get the picture.
STEP SEVEN: THEY KISS IN THE RAIN
Pretty self-explanatory, this one. Riding horseback on the beach may also work, but only in case of Richard Gere.
STEP EIGHT: THEY SPLIT UP AGAIN
(“But wait, he doesn’t even know how to bongo drum!”)
You have to fill 90 minutes, remember? And once the couple has fallen in love and kissed in the rain, you can’t just end there. Your audience needs a reason to cry. Rich women’s lives are so otherwise boring that they love things that make them cry the way your sister loves firemen. Therefore, your couple who’ve just fallen in love need to split up again. And this is going to be temporary, so it has to be for some stupid reason. The easiest way to accomplish this is to just make it the inverse of Step Six. “Are you with me because you love me, or is it only because you _____!” The blank can be: Made a bet with your boss that you could attract anyone in ten days, promised to say yes to everything, found my coin in a magic fountain, needed me to help lead you to a treasure, etc. “But, baby, that was before I fell in love!” She knows, the audience knows, but she has to get super pissed and run away, otherwise there can’t be a big reunion at the end. Oops, did I forget to say “spoiler alert”? No, because this is a how-to guide, these don’t have spoilers. Jackass.
STEP NINE: HE DOES SOMETHING CRAZY TO PROVE HIS LOVE
The most famous of these is of course John Cusack in Say Anything standing outside his special lady’s window playing “In Your Eyes” on his boombox like a homo (I would’ve gone with “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”). If you can’t think of anything that creative, just have him run through the airport screaming her name as she’s leaving town, or show up at the altar while she’s about to marry the wrong guy. That sh-t always works.
STEP 10: PROFIT
If you’ve done steps one through nine correctly, your attractive white couple is living happily ever after and you’re making it rain in the strip club. Now that you’re a big shot like me, let me let you in on another little secret, playa to playa. The whores like it when you hit them. They’ll act like they don’t, but they do. Oh boy do they.
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You forgot the wise kid who teaches the lead male an important lesson.
“The rule of thumb here is to know your audience: primarily women, and the pussy-whipped dorks they dragged with them. Therefore, you don’t want a “hot” leading lady. At least not the kind of actress guys think is hot, that’ll just give the girls an eating disorder.”
There is a get-out clause; if you’re writing an ensemble romantic comedy, you can fit in at least one example of “the kind of actress guys think is hot” as a bone to any men dragged along (hence Scarlett Johansson in “He’s Just Not That Into You” and Jessica Alba [and Jessica Biel] in “Valentine’s Day”).
Bonus points if you have a Black friend: word to You’ve Got Mail and some movie I forget that had David Alan Grier being the friend.
They’re sassy and unexpectedly wise
Don’t forget the scene where the not-too-attractive female journalist/decorator/chef protagonist trips in front of the guy. The clumsy pratfall is to a romantic comedy what the nut shot is to a PG-13 comedy.
I have another simple formula designed for women, CHCl3. Here baby, smell this.
David makes a great point and I’d like to build on it. In a mainstream rom-com, the white lead male’s black friend will say things like, “Oh snap” and “Fo sho”, making Bill Bellamy look like Malcolm X. However, in the case that the lead is played by Will Smith, then the best friend will always be played by Michael Rappaport and he will say things like, “Oh snap” and “Fo sho.”
Additionally, if the movie is made by Tyler Perry, all white people will be goofy and awkward in interracial social situations.
This article easily could’ve been twice as long. That’s how many lame rom-com cliches there are.
That’s what I loved about ‘Four Christmases’. It made it so the couple was ALREADY a perfect and loving pair and then beat them into hating each other over 70 torturous minutes. It’s like they skipped straight to step 8.
Game. Changed.
Vince, there’s a typo in your bio. It says MFA student instead of MMA student.
Oohwahahwah!
Retard 3 times in the first 3 sentences? Bravo.
Dammit, I’ll have to get someone to correct that. *chokes out grad student with his own ponytail*
I loathe these movies. Even shirtless Ryan Reynolds can’t convince me to watch.
Also, if Katherine Heigl is an uptight shrew, that’s not acting. That’s just Heigl being Heigl.
Your are not righteous as long as you use the word “retard”
Moron cave on Retard Mountain is what we call Vince’s browneye!
Ha, looks like Robert fell for Number One in Ufford’s “How to Get Lectured By Internet Commenters.”
[www.uproxx.com]
Way to go, retard.
Jesus never said “retard”.
He preferred “Fag-’mo”
Robert also followed through with incorrect grammar. Way to step up, Robertard!
“They Kiss in the Rain”…man, I forgot what a laffer “The Notebook” was!
McConaughey in a rom-com? Nice to see him step out of his comfort zone once in a while.
Movies like “He’s Just Not that into You”, “Valentine’s Day”, and “Love Actually” are unbearable.
It’s like they looked at this list and expounded it to 12 different examples of these retarded cliches.
Well if it ain’t broke… I remember sticking Annie Hall on, expecting the lucky lady present to similarly appreciate one of the greatest romantic comedies of all time. One look at Woody Allen and she said “Oh no.” Definitely a deal breaker.
Brilliant, except the “breakup again” should be “misunderstanding that no non-retarded person would believe and/or could easily be cleared up with a five second conversation, but the contrived plot has the two not talk to each other to clear up the misunderstanding.”
Oh and the male lead can’t realize she’s the one until she’s at the airport/church/about to do something drastic so he has to have a wacky CAR CHASE where he is an ass to everyone else, but they say “awww” because its for love.
Oh, and they can only be set in NYC, Chicago or Seattle.
There’s not nearly enough romcoms set during the Thirty Years’ War.
You do realize that you used the word “attractive” to describe Sarah Jessica Parker, right?
You’re going to be working that one off for a while.
What about Rom Zom Coms?
Hang on a minute. You actually CENSORED the word “shit,” but saw nothing wrong with throwing “homo” out there? I share your disdain for romantic comedies, but seriously, do you think before you type?
Was “homo” on Uff’s list?
If all else fails coming up with a half-wit title, then the word “You” needs to be in it.
Case study: Green Card
1. No – annoying Texan plus an obese French boor
2. Yes – Green Card
3. Yes – Lilith from Cheers
4. Not really… Enya?
5. Yes – annoying/obese
6. Yes – Green Card
7. [memory fail]
8. Yes
9. [memory fail] Was it HER proving HER love?
10. Yes
Conclusion: I really should get back to my job.
Don’t forget the scene when he seems her “beautiful” for the first time. Insert ridiculous designer dress that no regular woman can afford here.
This Was Hilarious.
I plan to do the exact opposite of everything on this list to write my own movie. I especially look forward to the opposite of #10.
Retard x3 was really quite excellent. You almost said something bad about Jennifer Aniston’s boobs, and that would have been unacceptable.
Add “homo” to Uff’s list, and be sure to call anyone who assumes a writer was the one who chose to censor himself a homotard.
Adler, you’re not the only one who raised this question, so allow me to address it.
A. Note the context. The use was clearly satirical. There’s a reason I didn’t write a list called “How to Secretly Hate the Gays.”
B. I only censor shit because I know I have to. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t censor goddamned shit. I can say homo and not shit because I know a computer won’t recognize “homo” as profanity.
C. How is it I can make a joke about beating up a whore and you don’t say anything, yet I say “homo” and you get your panties all in a bunch? Why do you assume I’m kidding in one instance but not both? And why doesn’t anyone stick up for Matthew McConaughey?
Matthew McConaughey was a saint. YOU WASH YOUR FILTHY MOUTH VINCE!!!
Sandra Bullock looks like she’s about to start Polish boxing in that picture.
Well now that I know how to write one my life is complete.
This is so true. Am from Kenya so we are in the pretty woman era. Case in point
1. Julia and Gere. Enough said.
2. The title
3. Maya Gallo from Just shoot me. I cannot be bothered to remember her real name.
4. That excrutiating song at the end. Plus the title song defines a one hit wonder.
5. She was only supposed to stay one night……
6. …..but he liked the old man
7.Does the shower count?
8. She wants to go back to school
9. He conquerers his fear of heights.
10. She STILL is considered America’s sweetheart
You left out the falling in love montage where we see the couple 1) on a beach or by water of some kind, 2) giggling and tickling each other for no apparent reason, 3) kissing and looking at each other longingly… a lot.
Tyler perry sucks and all the people who see his CRAP r retards!!! Rom Coms r crap too. U have to be totally mindless,and suspend all rationality,and disbelief more so than if u were watching an action movie or liberal minded america/military bashing Iraq war flick. Wow how pathetic r we to watch this crap????? If I kill my wife and mother in law next time they put one of these movies in my poor unsuspecting dvd player,I cannot be held accountable.
“Or a hypnotist flips a switch inside him that makes him relaxed all the time.”
Are you calling “Office Space” a rom-com? I wouldn’t go that far. Or knowing how original Hollywood is, is there another movie with that premise?
This article contradicts “Some Like it Hot”, starting Marilyn Monroe. She was the most beautiful and the film was awesome. The men weren’t all that hot or young, and it worked just fine. Hollywood’s problem these days is that the same person is cast in every movie and it takes away from the story telling. Unless the story is very poweful, like the hurt locker, the movie fails because how many times do we need to see the same face. It’s as if a soap opera. Newer faces are better, because it brings mystery and uniquess to the screan. Christopher from Gloriuos Basterds, Monique and Gaby, and all the new faces are more appealing because it’s something new. How many times are we going to see Aniston, example, as the same old same, nothing new, just a continued soap opera. I like many, rent old movies, and my favorite new movie this year was UP and Avatar, which didn’t need same old, same old, boring stars.
I would love to see John Cusak and Magen Fox in a romace comedy. They are both beautiful and not on your face stars, which make them refreshing. She was funny in SNL and would be great in a movie like “some like it Hot”. She also looked like Monroe in her SNL skid. I’m tired of the same actors. They may bring attention to a movie, but when it’s time to go, all i need to do is see their face on some magazine cover and rethink, and end up going to dinner, concert or rent old movie. I miss seeing some of the older classical actors, no drunks or addids, just wholesome folks who aren’t parading around. Jolie and Pitt are lucky people aren’t tired of them yet, but most people who are in evry magazine or movie become to exposed and it’s a reality show out there. People want escape, not reality, although reality shows are good because they bring new faces, people who are unique and don’t read scripts and maybe reality shows will be the thing, since stars are no longer stars, but part of soap operas. We know every thing they do, especially with twitter. They tell us where they are, what they eat, blah, blah, blah. Too boring, and my life is way more exciting then theirs. I need more, or better yet, read or write a book.
I thought Observe and Report was a cool dark comedy spin on the very generic romantic comedy genre. Notice, I didn’t say rom-com because that’s a nickname and nicknames are for friends and they are no friends of mine!
I shouldn’t like this article because I’m a chick, but I loved it. I do find it a little odd that the author has obviously seen more ROCO’s than me.
On a side note to comments by Lee: I don’t know about John Cusak (not sexy) but I agree it would be nice to see some fresh faces on the big screen. There are very few actors that I don’t get tired of and that’s only because they play such diverse roles (Alan Rickman, Gary Oldman, Johnny Depp, etc.) But for the rest of those guys (Richard Gere, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, etc.) I just want to ask them, “How can we miss you if you won’t go away?”
You forgot the obligatory gratuitus penis joke and the gay sidekick.
Wow. I never comment on any articles I read, good or bad, but you’re an amazing writer. Thanks for starting my day off laughing out loud. Please point me in the direction of some more of your work. Thanks again, great job…
You cite ten points when three will do. “Boy meets girl; boy loses girl; boy gets girl back again” was good enough for my parent’s ROCOs and its good enough for me. The rest is just window dressing.
To everyone who was offended by the ‘homo’ and ‘retard’ remarks.. did you not look at Vince’s pic? LMAO.. How can you possibly be offended by something a troll would rant about, a troll who couldn’t pick up a gay dude OR a retard at their most inebriated! I sadly imagine Vince sitting in an empty, musky discount movie theatre, dabbing at his eyes with a tissue while watching ‘How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days’ and jerking little Vince with the other.. then going home to write a scathing, ridiculing memo to all gays, retards, and feminists about these predictable rom-coms.
I liked this article! I agree with Lee the genre needs new
faces. But I didn’t like the retard stuff. don’t manifest!
Thanks for replying, Vince.
First off, I’m not a girl, hence no panties to un-bunch. Thanks anyway, I appreciate knowing that you’re concerned about my underwear. I guess.
Secondly, I’m not *quite* stupid enough to think this article wasn’t satirical, so let’s cross that possiblity off your list. I appreciate satire, I like satire, and your dead hooker joke was an instance in which you were obviously going for a humorous effect. Nobody takes a writer seriously when they joke about having a hooker in their trunk — obviously it was a joke, and there was no reason for me to get on your tits about it. That’s why I let that go.
However, you used “homo” like it was just another word. I don’t think we’ve reached a point, culturally, at which we can use that word and assume everyone will know we’re joking. We’ve hit that point with dead hooker jokes. Homophobia, not so much. Sorry, but its use was NOT clearly satirical.
This is probably because a shitton of people really are homophobic as all hell, but — like I said before — you don’t assume most people have dead hookers in their cars. But I’m sure you know this already, because you’ve said you were just using that word as ~satire~ and obviously anyone who writes ~satire~ can’t possibly be ~bigoted~.
My point is that you should probably think a little bit more about the words you choose, so you don’t accidentally end up sounding like a hateful prick. I’d like to think you aren’t a douchebag, but you should be aware that using homophobic slurs makes you sound like one.
Also — just look into McConaughey’s eyes, then try telling me he ISN’T the kind of guy who probably stashes dead hookers in his car. Right. You can’t. That’s why I’m not gonna stick up for him. Think of the hookers, Vince. Think of the hookers.
I think I covered all your points there. If I left something out, let me know. Fighting like a pair of dickless jerks on the internet is fun, amirite?
Cheers.
So when I refer to someone as a homo, and then use as reasoning that they used Peter Gabriel rather than Wham!, you don’t see that as being clearly satirical?
Nope.
Jesus Christ, where did these last 20 or so people come from? This must have been “digged” or “dug” or whatever all the homofied retard kids are doing these days.
LOL I can’t believe you can’t see the satire. Like I can’t hear the outrage from people like adler over the politicians using the word teabagger.
I’m not a doctor, but wouldn’t a homophobe that covers Hollywood probably kill himself within the first 5 minutes of the job?
“Also — just look into McConaughey’s eyes, then try telling me he ISN’T the kind of guy who probably stashes dead hookers in his car. Right. You can’t. That’s why I’m not gonna stick up for him. Think of the hookers, Vince. Think of the hookers.”
i like how this guy tried to slide in a funny, (which wasnt btw) to like smooth things out after being a total homo.
Someone should stick Vince’s head in vat of retard oil…
Vince,
You definitely have got a handle on what tripe comes out of trope-afflicted writers for trope-afflicted producers to make for trope-afflicted audiences.
All I gotta say is that your humor and valid disdain for a once-treasured but long-since ransacked film genre is tainted by your own culturally-programmed markers of heightened “masculinity” like homophobia, misogyny, and anti-intellectualism.
I understand you’re mostly preaching to your choirboys here, but it’s lazy, unimaginative, and retrograde in contrast to this website’s (albeit oft self-sabotaged) attempt at novelty, prescience, and cutting-edge hipness.
If you guys truly want to make waves, get out of the stagnant pool of macho convention and show us what it looks like to swim against the current pop cultural status quo of conservative commercialism. Take us to new territory! We’re all looking for new leaders.
Zygarch, while you’ve definitely got a handle on the tenets of politically correct close reading, I’d suggest you come down off your high horse, as it’s much more fun down here. To put it in language you’ll understand, when people write comedy and not sociology dissertations, we often adopt the vernacular of the schoolyard (with all its “culturally-programmed markers of heightened ‘masculinity’ like homophobia, misogyny, and anti-intellectualism,” as you put it) — sarcastic feigned ignorance being much funnier than a know-it-all asshole with his nose in a Thesaurus. Most of the faux-intellectual critiques you find on the internet are inherently cowardly, their over analysis a compensation for their fear of expressing singular, genuine opinion. So you’ll have to forgive my anti-intellectualism, even if it is perhaps a bit reactionary. If I wanted to couch my critiques in scholarly language only other scholars would care about, I would.
Damn, zygarch you got served. All professorially and shit, too, just the way you like it.
You need to specifically mention that one of here friends is/talks about being a complete slut, but it’s OK because she is fat or old.
look at all the retarded homos commenting on this bit of SERIOUS INTERNET BUSINESS. makes me feel like raping a holocaust-surviving jew after i find out i just got cancer of the taint.
“…and that’s how the landmark case of Vince v. Zygarch became the precedent for most epic and thorough internet burn of the 21st century.”