Five Facebook Rules To Live By

Now that just about everyone is on Facebook, including that cousin who always gets sloppy drunk before showing up at Thanksgiving and that aunt who wore sequined denim capris to a funeral, it’s more important than ever to come up with a set of rules to help Facebook users avoid tragedies like this:

Do you really want your friends, coworkers, those 18 strangers you friended to get the celebrity blue ribbon in Farmville, and your mom to know you’ve left the group “I have never had sex with a goat”? And, yes, this is a real group, in case you wanted to join it and then leave. Eventually, even your bedazzler-loving aunt may come to understand your goat-related humor, but they may never forgive you for breaking these five simple rules:

Rule #1: Your dad didn’t bust heads in Da Nang so you could embarrass him on Facebook. Also, would it kill you to be supportive when he wants to show you last year’s vacation photos from his first trip to Da Nang?

Rule #2: Don’t friend your probation officer. And, more importantly, learn how to spell “you’re.” Nothing gets you shanked faster after your return to prison than “you’re” bad grammar, Thomas. Convicts hate that.

Rule #3: Before sending that message from your cellphone ask yourself, “How stupid am I going to look sending this from a cellphone?” Nobody likes an attention whore, Perez.

Rule #4: Other people can see your recent activity, so pay attention to the impression you’re making. Much like the clerk ringing up a man buying a ski mask, lube, a Grey’s Anatomy box set, ammo, and rope at Walmart, people might infer things. I mean, a Grey’s Anatomy box set? Really? What kind of man lets himself be seen buying that? One who is clearly up to something.

Also, don’t be a Juggalo. God hates Juggalos almost as much as Juggalos hate career success and tattooless necks.

Rule #5: Some photos are not meant to be tagged or shown to anyone. Ever. Especially if your dad is already drafting a new will and testament with only his U.S. Army Survival Manual FM 21-76 willed to you.

And if you’re about to lodge a long-winded personal attack about how homophobic I am for putting those gay ads in the picture, you should know those are the ads that show up in my own photo album, which I used as the template to create this image. Oh, Facebook. You know me so well. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must hurry away to the gay bar in my power chair.

Excelsior!

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