Nine Alternate Jobs For Lindsay Lohan With Photoshops

For the sake of this article, it’s important that you, the reader, understand the fact that I am sexually attracted to Lindsay Lohan (even in her present fragile state of existence) and I one hundred percent realize how that reflects on me as an individual…but still I just don’t give a sh-t. I can’t really defend or even justify the reasoning behind my raging boner adoration for Miss Lohan, it’s just there burning in my loins. It’s the familiar concept that Woody Allen romanticized in ’92, “The heart wants what it wants.” only we’re not discussing an affair with my lover’s daughter -sorry. To further understand my plight, you must also factor in the detail that I live in Los Angeles, so on any given day I have a 1-in-3 chance of either running a flat tire, getting robbed or sleeping with Lindsay. Just being a part of that intercourse lotto makes her that much more desirable and venomous in my eyes.

I stress the source of my unbridled loyalty to further vindicate my concerns over Lindsay’s well-being. Lately it seems that not a day limps by where we’re not alerted of Lohan’s latest misadventure. From her rumored jail sentencing, to her accused theft, her family malfunctions and, as of recent, her outstanding debt, with so many influences from so many outside forces, I’ve decided to take it upon myself to aid milady in securing her future finances.

So here it is for you, Lindsay, baby. Because Lord know that these f–king blogging checks can only fund one of our Ferraris.

Mission Control Specialist:

Despite the photographic evidence at hand, Lindsay is a raging bull whose stamina can last for weeks on end without even a minute of sleep. Plop her down in front of a NASA computer and bingo! As long as there’s a vending machine and Mountain Dew dispenser within walking distance, we’re golden Houston. Now let’s crash something!

Mountain Sherpa:

No one else can make wandering aimlessly in the the frigid night air look better than Lindsay Lohan, thus her stamped “APPROVED” status on my resume’ here. Toss this chick a wet blanket with two shoe boxes and she’ll assemble a survival outfit unlike anything the Patagonia has ever seen. Researchers take note.

Armenian Video Store Clerk:

Why Lindsay as an Armenian video store clerk? F–k it, that’s why. Because anyone can say “Maybe next week, yeah, try back next week”, but only few can do it with such pizazz and cigarette stink as our girl Lohan. And yes, I did just say “pizazz”. Better pick your tongue up off that floor, someone could have taken a sh-t there.

Tucson Bartender:

Lindsay weighs 50 lbs. and drinks like an Arizona State freshman -your argument is invalid.

Fireworks Stand Manager:

No doubt her complete lack of regulatory behavior and accounting skills will lead to some amazing, unintentional pricing deals. Thanks to the erratic giveaways, Lindsay will become the queen of July 4th, selling every illegal boom stick she can get her hungry hands on. And no, this is not the first time that the words “boom stick” and “her hungry hands” have been used in reference to Lindsay Lohan nor will it be the last. Mark my words.

Game Fisherman:

Slimy lips and gills are Lindsay’s specialty, so it should come as no surprise when she’s announced as this season’s most valuable fishing boat asset. Aside from her applicable hooking abilities, you’ll never once hear this girl complain about the salty stink -a fragrance she wears regularly.

Corporate Motivational Speaker:

Somebody give this girl a drawing board and markers ASAP! Perhaps nothing is more valuable than raw, uncensored footage life experience. From the simple teachings of “How To Not Spend All Of Your Money On Nose Candy” to the advanced instruction of “Flashing Your Vagina Everywhere”, Lohan’s insight could cure cancer. Yes, literally.

Hospice Nurse:

Because there are few things more inspiring than receiving assistance from an individual who appears more dead than you already are…

Mechanic:

Excuses and false justifications are a thing of the past. Lindsay could stand as the sole mechanic out there who isn’t looking to f–k over your man purse, while at the same time priding her business on honesty and integrity. I’m lying of course, which is why Lohan is changing my oil right now for $388.52. And yes, that was a sexual reference.

Like the Brokeback cowgirl we wish we could quit, Lindsay Lohan is here to stay. With each newly fabricated story, the media can’t help but fall back in love with her every single workweek. It’s inspiring to know that every time you think you’re about to witness the straw that is to break this camel’s back, the girl redeems herself long enough to extend her stay under the public’s microscope. Whether it’s scrutiny or admiration, we can’t not watch what her next move will be. But really, isn’t that the version of Lindsay that we want anyways? The kind of young and reckless vixen who we turn our backs on, only to watch her vindicate herself and wash away her sins using blood on a photo shoot? Lords knows that’s the angel devil I’ve fallen for. Hubba-hubba, burnin’ love.