Celebrities: they're better-looking than we are. They really are. Oh sure, we can point out the Danny DeVitos and Whoopi Goldbergs and complain about Megan Fox's thumbs as much as we like, but the cold hard truth is that the average celebrity is light years more attractive than the average person.
As such, celebrities are entitled to bed whichever other attractive they like, especially movie co-stars or musical collaborators. Star athletes are also encouraged to use any means possible to get in touch with attractive women, whether it's telling ball boys to round up groupies in the stands or using their agents to procure the phone numbers of Victoria's Secret models. I'd like to denounce this practice, but it's precisely what I'd do if I had the fame and the resources.
Now, there are certain exceptions to the rules of celebrities dating uggos. Rock stars and similarly talented artists are allowed to pull a certain percentage hotter than what they deserve because chicks like talent (and money). So that explains Seal with Heidi Klum, as well as anyone Mick Jagger's ever been with. But what follows are some of the most egregious rule-breakers -- the celebrities who date everyday douchebags and ugly people. DAMMIT! Don't they realize that ugly, unimpressive person could be ME?
Arranged, generally, from least to most inexplicable:
Yvonne Strahovski and Tim Loden:
No, apparently that's not a lanky lesbian getting cozy with the female lead of NBC's "Chuck." It's Tim Loden, a supposed "actor" who has only three credits on his IMDb page -- and none since 2008. But why should he work? His job is nailing the blonde Australian who plays nerd fantasy Agent Sarah Walker. In case that picture doesn't make you mad enough, check out this gallery of the two of them.
Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek:
This photo was taken in 1990, one year after The Cars' lead singer married the Czech supermodel, and six years after they first met when she starred in the video for "Drive." FUN FACT: At the time, Porizkova was 19 and Ocasek was 35 and married to someone else.
Now, don't get me wrong: "Drive" is a good song. But when you look like Keith Richards's lesbian aunt, it's not a "land Paulina Porizkova" song. Maybe a "snag Kathleen Turner two years after her peak" song.
Aaron Johnson and Sam Taylor-Wood:
Perhaps you don't recognize Aaron Johnson. He's the 19-year-old star of Kick-Ass. The woman in the photo is the 42-year-old director of his previous movie whom he impregnated and then got engaged to.
Now, I understand: 19-year-old kids are dumb. A 19-year-old dude can't be faulted for putting his penis in anything that isn't bolted down in a museum (although if you ask me, that Georgia O'Keeffe painting is totally asking for it). Hell, if you're a 19-year-old guy, go ahead and impregnate all the cougars you want -- but don't marry one. Nineteen-year-old movie stars have only one purpose on God's green Earth, and that is this: slay all the hot tail that falls into your lap. (Doing massive amounts of drugs is optional, but recommended.)
Christina Aguilera and Jordan Brafman:
When these met, Christina Aguilera was one of the hottest and most talented musical acts in the business, as well as the sex symbol most unafraid to change her image since Madonna. Bratman was a "music marketer," whatever that is.
True, he looks like a less-attractive version of Tom Green, but Aguilera swears by their sex life, even talking in interviews about how they have designated naked time. I'm sorry, but that blows my f*cking mind. Is she blind? Was she abused as a young woman? Did he just open the door for her on a bad day? I honestly want to know how that happened, so that I can do the same thing to an equally wealthy and sexy woman with bad judgment.
Clive Owen and Sarah-Jane Fenton:
WHAT?!?! What in God's name is going on here?
The answer to that question is that Owen met Fenton when they played the leads in Shakespeare's The Two Gentlemen of Verona Romeo and Juliet. They got married in 1995 and have two daughters, the latter of which was born five or six years after the above picture was taken. Why does Sarah-Jane look like that? Well, I blame Owen's openness about being faithful to his wife:
Owen can boast plenty of beautiful costars – from Angelina Jolie in Beyond Borders, Julia Roberts [and Natalie Portman] in Closer and Jennifer Aniston in Derailed to Monica Bellucci in Shoot 'Em Up – but the married star says he'd never have an affair with a costar.
"I so value what I've got at home with my wife and kids that I've never f----ed with that," Owen, 42, tells Playboy in its September issue. "For me, that's what it's about." [People, 2007]
Now, it's marvelous that he's a committed family man. But I'm gonna throw this out there: there's no "for skinnier or for fatter" in celebrity wedding vows. What Sarah-Jane is doing is straight up disrespect. She's practically daring Clive to leave her for Monica Bellucci. And he'd be right to do it.
Salman Rushdie and ANYONE:
Salman Rushdie is a wildly overrated writer who dates and/or marries women who are so far out of his league that they shouldn't acknowledge his presence if he were a billionaire with a 14-inch wang. That son of a bitch even got all up on Scarlett Johansson in one of her music videos.
The only thing that keeps him from being farther down this list: Padma Lakshmi divorced him and got pregnant with someone else, Olivia Wilde married an Italian prince, and ScarJo is married to Canadian six-pack owner Ryan Reynolds. So at least none of these hotties are taking this dickwad seriously.
Adriana Lima and Marko Jaric:
Adriana Lima is a Victoria's Secret Angel and one of the most famous supermodels in the world. Marko Jaric is -- and I use this term in the loosest sense possible -- an NBA player. Over the years, this is what I've had to say about Jaric (note: all links have Adriana Lima galleries):
- "If his eyes were any closer together he’d be a cyclops"
- "rat-faced Slav with no discernible star power"
- "adolescent pirate"
- "a six-foot-seven weasel with opposable thumbs"
- "ratfaced Eurotrash scrub"
They first started dating two years ago, and it STILL pisses me off. Their marriage is the rough equivalent of Michael Jordan winning his sixth NBA championship and settling down with a plus-size Sears catalog model.
Christina Hendricks and Geoffrey Arend:
Yes, the weird-looking friend from (500) Days of Summer is married to the curviest reason to watch "Mad Men." Or perhaps you recognize him as this guy from Super Troopers:
"The Snozzberries taste like Snozzberries."
There's an apocryphal story that Broken Lizard -- the guys who made Super Troopers and Beerfest -- always give one role in their movies to the first person to audition for a role. And the story goes -- I can't confirm this, which makes me more inclined to believe it -- that Arend landed the role of "College Boy 3" -- his first live-acting role -- for just that reason. And that put his acting career in motion. So basically, if you're inclined to believe Internet rumors -- and God knows that's how I make my living -- some weird-lookin' guy showed up early to a job interview, and as a direct result, he's laying pipe to the redhead with the biggest tits in Hollywood. That seems fair.
Marisa Miller And Griffin Guess:
Now, you may notice that there's no husband in the above picture (full-size here). I did that as a public service, because you should be warned before setting your eyes on the so-called "music producer" that makes a living off of being married to a woman whose only flaw is the man she married. It starts with him being named "Griffin" and ends with him being the perfect embodiment of every douchebag who's ever tried to hard to look cool.
Are you ready to look at him?
All right, here goes:
There is no god.
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Who are the couple at the beginning of this article? There is no caption … the model chick with the old guy?
Clive Owen’s wife is living the dream. I mean, getting Clive Owen and cupcakes?
You go, Clive Owen’s wife.
Perhaps Clive Owen is not so retarded as to think hot wife=good wife. After a few years, it’s probably nice to have a partner who can form thoughts.
@Lizzie: It’s also nice to be able to form an erection when having sex with your wife.
And I still think the Jaric/Lima matchup is the most unspeakably heinous disaster I’ve ever seen.
You forgot Hugh Jackman and his wife. She’s not “horrible” looking, but she don’t hold up compared to what Wolverine should be plowing.
She sure can form brownies into ground up food in her mouth, that’s for certain.
Rushdie is on the decline, but Midnight’s Children and The Satanic Verses are incredible. Booker’s Booker for the former. Sadly, no Booker’s bourbon was awarded for that award.
Also, Geoffrey Arend must have a prehensile tongue.
Clive Owen is plenty retarded, he did ‘Shoot ‘em Up’.
“whether it’s telling ball boys to round up groupies in the stands”
As a 4 year ballboy, I did this about as often as fetching players’ vd medications from CVS
the first pic shows falvio briatore, billionaire, once owner of the renault formula 1 team and father of one of heidi klums´kids…the broad on his side is his 28 year old model wife Elisabetta Gregoraci.
You forgot Hugh Jackman and his wife. She’s not “horrible” looking, but she don’t hold up compared to what Wolverine should be plowing.
Some men don’t care what their beards look like, others do. That’s what separates the Travoltas and Cruises from the Jackmans of this world.
That is not Clive Owen’s wife. Pretty sure that’s his childrens nanny. His wife is quite pretty, actually.
Wife or not, I bet she gives great head.
Well said, Donk. Well said.
As an incredibly handsome blogger, these cases lead me to believe that I’ll end up with a girl very undeserving of my looks and wealth. This saddens me, but I will make up for it by throwing coke-fueled stripper parties for me and all of my equally handsome blogger friends. Bring your own Mike’s Hard Lemonade, boys!
@Uhhh: Yeah, Lord Google Image Search appears to agree with you. Clive Owen’s wife is pretty plain, but she’s not the water monster captured above.
Summer Glau + Douchebag: [cdn.buzznet.com]
@Burnsy Mike’s Hard is so 2000. Smirnoff Ice is where it’s at Bro!
/high five
Now i can understand the reason for all those jihads on Rushdie.
Guess it would be too soon to post gravestones next to one another and write a blurb about Brittany Murphy and Simon Monjack, huh?
@poppycarew
That old guy is Flavio Briatore, an Italian businessman and former principal owner of the Renault F1 team. The hot chick is his wife, Wonderbra model Elisabetta Gregoraci, who is 30 years younger than him.
The bastard also dated Heidi Klum and got her pregnant with her first child. According to Heidi’s Wiki entry, the day she announced she was pregnant, he was caught kissing jewelry heiress Fiona Swarovski.
Dammit, Internet! emj beat me to it. Flavio’s still a fat bastard, though.
after I marry Alison Brie you can add me to this list!!!
If I had been the photographer of the lovely Ms. Miller, I woulda taken the IPod and used it to garrote Douchhair McAssface, thus making many men happy in more ways than one.
I know Christina Aguilera’s problem. She’s from Pittsburgh.
Notice how Clive Owen makes a point of saying he doesn’t sleep with his “co-stars” he said absolutely nothing about any hot piece of tail that walks in his general direction. High Five Clive! Way to be British and fancy talk your way into being awesome.
Why does an internet writer and a bunch of internet commenters think it’s a BAD thing that hot people occasionally get together with unattractive people? Shouldn’t this what we all hope for? If that guy can get with that girl, then there’s hope for all of us…right? You’d all rather just be haters I guess. Pathetic.
David: Why does an internet writer and a bunch of internet commenters think it’s a BAD thing that hot people occasionally get together with unattractive people? Shouldn’t this what we all hope for?
The author, Ufford (in the third paragraph of this post: the celebrities who date everyday douchebags and ugly people. DAMMIT! Don’t they realize that ugly, unimpressive person could be ME?
Answer: There’s a difference between not getting the joke and being the joke. David is that difference.
What about mistresses? Tiger Woods and all 121 of his mistresses were definitely a mismatch. It was like he was so tired of banging a hot blonde haired, blue eye Swedish Model that he decided to fuck ugly.
NO ONE WHO’S IMPORTANT CARES!!!
(
BEA NIGH USED AN EMOTICON!
wait, olivia wilde is married?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Beyonce & Jay-Z? The planet’s hottest POA marries the missing link & you fall asleep at the wheel?
Roger Federer’s wife looks like something that fell out of a bar in Tucson reeking of menthols.
Johnny Depp and the Flintstones can opener* (*© Brendon, over there)http://www.wwtdd.com/2007/01/johnny-depp-is-one-lucky-fella/
Slightly unfair as she did look fantastic once upon a time.
No Howard Stern and Beth
I’ll forgive the neglection of jay-z and beyonce, just because jay-z isn’t that ugly and because he’s one of the most successful men in the music industry, but no list of this nature is complete without HEIDI KLUM and SEAL. I’m offended that my dream girl and her facially challenged husband are not on this list.
Jay-Z gets a pass for being too ridiculously cool. Honestly, he could be getting better-looking tail than Beyonce.
Can I get some money, please?
Wow what a great article , respectful and full of insightful informations . Except that the picture you published of what you think was Sarah Jane Fenton is in fact his female assistant . These pictures are not even recent and the poor woman at the time they were actually published already received a lot of bash . Apparently you seemed to think this was not enough . Next time Matt , check your fucking facts before spread your vomit on the web .
I recall watching “Super Troopers” and thinking, at the time, “Hmmm…what a comically-odd, ugly ducklinglooking dude”. And now every time I get a Christina Hendricks-induced boner, I will see Arend’s face saying “I’m freaking out”. Thanks for the reverse Viagra, you lucky so-and-so.
Great post, Mr. Ufford. How about a similar one of total celebrity fuck-ups that deserve each other. Start with the (ugh…just threw up in my mouth a little) Pratt/Montags, move on the Brown/Houstons, and cycle through the Winehouse/Fielder-Civils. I need something to make me feel better about myself and put a little brightness in my day after seeing Lima/Jaric…SAY IT AIN’T SO!!!
and that Italian billionaire looks like a fatter, flesh-colored incarnation of Watto. Where are his wings?
Q: Is it at least a little bit gay for one to follow the link to the full-size Marisa picture because one wants to see what’s playing on her iPod?*
A: Yes.
*I am at least a little bit gay.
Clive Owen is plenty retarded, he did ‘Shoot ‘em Up’.
How dare you. Shoot ‘Em Up is a masterpiece.
Well, not really. I just like watching Clive Owen being sexy and killing people.
Srsly Ufford simple google image search of Sarah Jane Fenton jeesh man if you cant pull that off for an article maybe you should try and write fewer of them, you know free up some time.
“Perhaps Clive Owen is not so retarded as to think hot wife=good wife. After a few years, it’s probably nice to have a partner who can form thoughts.”
Sounds like something a fat ugly girl would say.
@Lizzie- there is no evidence of any correlation between beauty and attractiveness. Just because someone isn’t pretty, does not mean that they are necessarily better at forming thoughts (which is something that attractive people can generally do just as well, but seemingly don’t have as much need to prove it).
@Zombiekiller- Sounds like something an ugly, retarded troll would say.
i didnt’ know guys with Fatwa’s on them got the chicks??
None of these people are ugly. The only strange one is the age difference one.
Good looking guys with ugly chicks are closet gays. Good looking chicks with ugly guys are golddiggers.. generally.
Mélissa Theuriau and Jamel Debbouze, I guess he makes her laugh.
Two words. Adam Durtiz. That is all.
Sadly, that IS Clive Owen’s wife…just a bit heftier than the last time we all saw her.
actually, christina aguilera was abused as a young woman. she sings about in a lot of her songs. but i don’t think that’s the reason she fell for jordan. i’ll tell you exactly what it is: she dated hot guys who cheated on her and made her feel like shit, so when an ugly guy came around to treat her right, she lowered her standards. there’s hope for us all… we just need the hot guys to fuck up first.
That would be Flavio Briatore, former Formula 1 teamboss and pretty much the embarresment of every italian person since Mussolini. Some people may remember he also knocked up Heidi Klum and then cheated on her with Naomi Campbell or something.. The hottie is some italian model, I could have googled her name but it doesn’t really matter.
Awesome post. I was more shocked to find Olivia Wilde with that fuctard (and married) than when they told me santa claus wasnt real.
Still, there are a whole lot of other couples that should be included. Namely Jay-Z and Beyonce, as no matter how successful he is, he can still go through a whole chapstick in a single use.
Seal and Klum (afore mentioned too) but seriously, didn’t anyone notice that Heidi has BAD TASTE?
Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green, because maybe she can’t read the expiration plastered all over his ass reading: best before end of beverly hills 90210.
And still, there are so many more missing…
The Satanic Verses is a brilliantly written book, and calling Salman Rushdie an overrated author is patently ridiculous.
Also, the whole Clive Owen bit of this article is hyper-sexist bullshit.
You’re a moron.
that’s not clive owen’s wife, it’s his assistant.
this is a picture of his wife (from this year) — [www.zimbio.com]
Didn’t Olivia Wilde get married when she was still a teenager? When was she with Rushdie? I probably don’t want to know, actually.
Matt Ufford, you’re a douche bag ! The photo of C.Owen’s wife is bogus – what kind of an f’ing reporter are you ? Do you really get paid for this ? You need to revise your column & get it right — that assistant looks like she ate his real wife !
Hayden Panettiere and that Russian boxer guy. HUH?!?
Remove the Clive Owen entry, that’s not his wife. Replace with Seal and Heidi Klum to top the list.
Class m8, pure CLASS.
I nearly pissed myself at Yvonne Strahovski and the lanky lesbian. LOL.
Better pics of the couples above…I think you chose the least flattering pics
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Would it really kill 50% of the commenters here to spend 30 seconds reading the previous comments and notice that many people are faster than you at posting the same damn thing? Yes, it’s Flavio, yes, it’s not Clive’s wife, yes, Beyonce and Jizz-E. We know. Post it again and I’ll bitchslap the tard off you.
WTF is summer glau doing with a bible belt methhead?
The Yvonne and Tim thing cracked me up. Not just because the guy looks like a girl (except when he’s growing his facial hair, then he looks like a girl that needs his lip waxed), but at the comment about him being an actor. No offense to him, but don’t you need to actually act to be an actor. I keep hearing everyone say he’s an actor, but he has no background. He’s like the other hundreds of thousands or millions in LA that expect just to leap into the biz with no formal training or even stage training. I think I’m going to start calling myself an actor and then start bartending. Then instead of me just wanted to be an actor, I’ll be a struggling actor, which is so much cooler and PC in LA. Get a real job man. Also, Yvonne, just come out of the closet already. You keep dating these Sam Ronson look alikes. It’s time to just get it over with.
You didn’t mention that Padma lakshmi is a gold digging opportunist
I looked up old pictures and before she got heavy Clive Owens wife wasnt bad. I do agree with the money she has at her disposal she should have a personal trainer and eat better though. Tim doesn’t look that bad to me (with Yvonne) and neither does Marissa’s husband (well he needs a WAY better haricut the face isnt bad though)who are the first couple? The older man and lady in the water??
Heidi doesn’t have bad taste she goes after $$$$
well mr. ufford, you have succeeded in coming off as a supreme dick-wad. there is more to love than looks, which you obviously have not realized. unless you’re perfect, which, oh yeah, NO ONE IS, then shut up. and you’re obviously missing something in your life seeing as how you spend so much time looking at other people’s love lives and ranting about them. honestly, why the hell do you care, or think anyone else gives two shits about these people’s lives?
The Yvonne and Tim thing is funny in that he has no career and yet he calls himself a “ACTOR”.
…aw(full)tandems! bucks really work.
To Uli Kunkel’s woodchipper, Christina Aguilera is NOT from Pittsburgh. She was born in Staten Island, NY. She moved outside of the Pittsburgh area when she was a little kid. So blame New York, not Pittsburgh jackass.
I don’t get the Jaric inference. Does he not look EXACTLY
like a brunette Bjorn Borg, who in his day, was considered
a tennis playing sex symbol? Why was Borg “hot”, but Jaric
isn’t???
What about Isla Fisher and Borat?
I agree on the points made with the Yvonne Strahovski/Tim Loden thing.
She’s way to good for him!
WELL, Clive’s wife is different, nowadays. Thinner, I mean. I saw many pics of her and if the fat woman above is not her, she has a twin sister. Take a look at her face: it is the SAME!!!!!! It is possible this picture is old, but doesnt matter, we gotta agree: HE IS QUITE HANDSOME, CUTE, SEXY…. and deserves an interesting and sexy woman! Poor Clive!!!
AHHHHHH I have read a comment about a tennis player, ROGER FEDERER!!! Yes, his wife is so ugly…. her face is strange, her body is awful, clothes the same and doesnt seem to be a nice person. Her name is Mirka. Fereder is so interesting…hummmm!
what is up with Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise? What is he like 4’11″? She deserves someone she can look in the eye, or be able to wear a pair of heels with!
Is there a picture of Matt Ufford available? What about his significant other? Let’s compare…
My biggest fear is that Clive Owen won’t act on the opportunity to shag the next hot thing that throws herself at him, but that he will succumb to Hollywood vanity and start smoothing out his rugged features with botox and facial fillers….
What is up with Hollywood’s leading men? Seriously… Leonardo DiCaprio, Will Smith, Tom Cruise… have they reached puberty yet?
damn!! i just googled your pic Matt Ufford. you should have kept that shit off-line. Man, what are you 6 1/2 tops? ooh, i was hoping for at least an 8. so what does your g/bfriend look like? are you equally paired on the attractiveness scale? you are like an Ed Norton, not a Brad Pitt…
Matt,
In a post written three and a half years ago, you semi-spoiled The Sixth Sense for me. I realize the movie was some 17 years old at that point, but just a little research would have shown that not every single person alive has seen it. Also, I googled your pic and it turns out you are a Marine. I have decided, therefore, to compliment you on the Rainbow metallic snakeskin headband.
/?mark is in for a world of pain and suffering.
Matt, you got this wrong. Matt, you forgot this couple. Matt, this part of the post was sexist (how did you pick out one part to be sexist, really?). Matt, who are you to decide blah blah blah. Matt, what kind of reporter are you (this one actually made me laugh).
All of you people are taking this way too seriously.
I AGREE WITH YOU, TACO_JONES!!!! Too seriously!
I understand that this site is only to keep a funny discussion about that. People are so weird, with no sense of humor =(
christina aguilera is ugly as hell. Seriously. Add to that fact that shes a horrible person she might still be ok if she had singing talent. But she doesn’t. Her voice is horrible and she yells instead of singing. Add in that she doesn’t know the national anthem and you have an all around no talent who should not be famous.
I didn’t know that being 42 makes you ugly.
Matt Ufford(what a last name) seems extremely jealous during this entire article.
You people actually make me sick, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore…Just pathetic exuse for a human beings…Believe me, it’s not at least funny