Space Race 2020: USA vs. Adorable Robots

Recently there has been a big resurgence in worldwide desire to explore space. After years of budget cuts and general “meh” reactions to space travel, more than one country is now revving up it’s space program once again. China, India, Russian, it seems anybody who wants to be somebody in the 21st century is preparing to dominate space.

And that’s fine. There’s some really exciting stuff happening out there right now. NASA scientists have just discovered the possibility of life on one of Saturn’s moons. The international space station is working out well, showing the world can work together when it comes to advances in the solar system. There is plenty of stuff out there for all countries to discover (as long as they stay off the moon because she’s America’s.)

USA! USA!

Still, the space race seems to have new legs. Russia has just put six guys in a windowless capsule for a year and a half to try and replicate a mission to Mars. It’s very sweet how hard they are trying, especially since they crashed and burned so badly in the first space race;  it will be even more fun learning what level of homicidal noodle-legs those guys will be when they are finally let out of their Russian space prison. Basically, this sort of thing just isn’t that worrying to America. After all, Mars? They know that’s a guy planet named after the Roman god of war right? Seriously, what is Russia, gay?

Um...

America, on the other hand, has always been a one women-oriented celestial body kind of country: we are all about the moon. She’s been there for us since the beginning. Even though we’re kind of been ignoring her recently America is still the only country ever to have landed on her. No one else ever made that kind of commitment, went to all that trouble, so we’ve always kind of assumed that the moon loves us back with a love that will never die.

Now for the first time that love is being tested. Recently India launched a probe to peep at America’s #1 girl. Now they are even talking about launching a manned space mission. Their technology is pretty far behind ours though so I’m not too concerned. For now it is all just talk.

Plus we know for a fact the moon thinks Bollywood movies are ridiculous.

More worryingly however, China is taking time out from blocking Google and various human rights violations to take some pictures of America’s girlfriend. Now, normally we might not be so okay with that and forced to say something about the pervy behavior but the Chinese probe just ended up crashing all flaccid into the moon’s surface so it’s no big deal.  A warning to you China, that’s what you get when you try to go for the fifth largest satellite in the solar system: if you don’t know what you are doing, you get burned. I’m sure that proves we don’t have much to worry about from China for oh, another 20 years or so.

Until their head astronaut grows up.

But another Asian country is fronting just a little too much for this red blooded American. Recently Japan announced plans to inhabit the moon within the next decade: inhabit it with robots.

This is Japan we’re talking about so we know that not only do they have the technology but it will be f-cking adorable. That country has somehow managed to take the impending robot takeover that they themselves are instigating and make it look like the cutest thing since Natalie Portman holding a kitten with a broken arm in front of a painting of My Little Ponies and baby seals. The almost sentient robots they have invented are adorable, is what I am saying.

OMG SO CUTE.

And don’t think those sneaky Japanese scientists aren’t planning on making the robots adorable on purpose, because they are. A member of the “colonize America’s girlfriend totally without asking” team admitted that making the robots humanoid would help get people excited about the project. He even said they hope the robots will be “charming.”

It’s official. Japan is trying to cock block the USA. They are telling the world how they are going to take over the moon with suave, totally adorable robots and there is nothing we can do about it. Seriously, how can we in America compete with that? Did you see the Eagle? I’m surprised the moon didn’t laugh us off of her the first time we landing in the hunk of junk. The loss of America’s domination of the moon is inevitable now that Japan is going to shower her with stuff like this:

Damn it.

Look, Japan. There is one country and one country only that owns the moon, okay? We didn’t want to have to make a big deal out of it or anything but now that you’re pushing the boundaries we’re just gonna go ahead and say it: it’s America’s. Period. You know why? Because we’re the only ones who have actually been there. And when we got there we honored the centuries long code of declaring ownership by sticking our pole in the soft, yielding craters of the moon. A pole with our flag on it. And to paraphrase the emminant politcial scientist Edward Izzard, if you haven’t stuck a flag in it it isn’t yours.

Pictured: the cunning use of flag.

Sure, we haven’t been the greatest caretakers. We went back pretty regularly for three years but by 1972 the magic has just run out, okay? It happens in relationships; it doesn’t mean we don’t love the moon still. Venus started looking pretty sexy and even Alpha Centauri was sort of beckoning (even though she is way, way out of our league. ) It’s just that it took you talking about how great the moon is, about how she’s “essential to future research and exploration of the solar system” to make America realize just how much the moon means to us.

We missed you, baby.

Sure, the 2011 Obama administration budget kills off any hope of American astronauts returning to the moon by 2020 but the intent is there. The budget promises “a redesigned and reinvigorated program.” That could mean anything! The point is we have some serious plans for the moon and they don’t involve you planting a whole bunch of totally adorable space robots all over her. It’s just that those plans are not for the foreseeable future. But that doesn’t mean we’re giving her up.

The moon’s ours, punks, so back off.