Though I’ve only spent a short number of years adventuring this big blue planet’s terrain, I have to admit that I’ve accomplished some very great things. In 1995, I became the first kid on my block to successfully dry hump Crissy Minnihan on the second floor of my treehouse -in a swimsuit (thank you very much). In ’98, I unearthed what scientists have described as “about 20 years’ worth of your father’s porno magazines”, a find that cemented my place in the halls of greatness at my middle school. And, in 2008, I called my friend Justin a “c*ck huff” as to so eloquently suggest that he was an individual who did, in fact, inhale penis; a combination of words that, to this day, I’m proud of. I tell you these things as to set the precedent of what I have achieved and to offer comparison for my latest discovery, the most important research I have ever held, a cultural delving and study of an ancient people: the Tribe of Edward 40 hands.
*lights pipe, tucks handkerchief into breast pocket, admires Sabertooth Girlfriend claw preserved in jar*
It would not be until my cousin’s first return trip home from college that I would initially hear the name Edward 40 Hands drop from his vocabulary like a 40lb. bag of d*cks. While he made it painfully clear that his semester away studying was “so not a bust“, it would be his reveal of an involvement in a primitive ceremony that would ultimately harness my attention. After several drinks and lots of repressed family memories, my cousin began recalling the right of passage he had experienced…
For all those outside the scientific community, this morning, let me explain: Edward 40 Hands is the Christian name given to a
social drinking game ceremony in which participants tribesman allow both their hands to be duct taped to individual 40 ounce malt liquor bottles. At no point may any of the participants tribesmen have their hands removed from their bottles until each of the 40 ounces have been consumed. Through advanced laboratory research I have discovered that 4 out of 5 times, participating in Edward 40 Hands will lead to induced heavy vomiting. Through private at-home research I discovered that 3 out of 5 times, participating in this sacrament leads to a woman getting pregnant.
Professor Thumb N. Ashe from the Gaylord Institute of Higher Consumption explains the so-called “vomiting phenomenon”:
“It’s quite clear, really” boasts Professor Ashe, “the phenomenon is due largely in part to the fact that all malt liquor tastes like a heavy smoker’s kidney piss.”
Renowned the world over, Edward 40 Hands earned its name in reference to the 1990 film Edward Scissorhands. Sometimes referred to as 80 Ounces to Freedom, 40 Hands or The 40 Challenge, the rules for achieving victory remain relatively similar in various cultures: be the first to finish your f**king 40 ounces -both of them. In some circles, it is customary for victors to break both bottles, once finished, as to free their hands and also probably cut the sh*t out of their fingers. On one occasion, I had heard of my cousin’s acquaintance Keiren, who had taken part in the festivities of the ceremony. Upon finishing only one of the two 40 ounce bottles, Keiren began to remove the empty glass from his hand, a foul punishable by privileged kids everywhere. Keiren was removed from the ceremony and had to wear the title of “Tribe Docuhe Bag” for the remainder of the night.
As mentioned above, the name of the rite may vary, but from location to location, every race, creed and color preach the word of Edward 40 Hands just the same. From basements in Canada to fraternal societies back East, it seems that the study of this old world competition is more popular than ever. Privileged Ivy League chap or the child of a coal mine worker, slap on some silver duct tape and a bottle of the most off-yellow liquid you can find and what do you get? Equality at your fingertips.
Camera footage from field research confirms the effects of this savage ceremony on the human body. Take for instance exhibit A, “Tiny” Tim Rauscheder from the scientific community of YouTube. Aside from posting videos in which Mr. Rauscheder chugs a 40 oz. bottle like it’s the soul of a unicorn, Tim achieves something I’ve never before witnessed in all my years of systematic investigation: the one man Edward 40 Hands; Uno 40 Hands, if you will. Surprisingly, even though Tiny ventured the malt liquor vision quest a single man, he was able to still deliver the upchuck of a whole tribe. Godspeed, Chieftain Rauscheder. Godspeed.
While my legacy may simply remain as the only one of my fellow researchers to successfully masturbate on a plane, I’ll be damned if I don’t at least attempt to rewrite the history books, for my own sake. While discovering a new and unusual protocol of consuming alcohol can be confusing, it’s the ability to adapt that ceremony to a group setting that represents the true heart of Edward 40 Hands. Where a wine cooler in your fist may leave you stuck in a corner talking to a plant, the universal acceptance of a tribe demonstrating 40 Hands is truly an experience to document. From high atop the Himalayan Mountains to the rampant waters of the Nile, it seems that strapping malt liquor bottles to your hands and chugging until you get the fever sweats is a cultural phenomenon, if not a religious one. Man, woman, heir or beggar -we’re all named Ed in this tribe.