Six Awesome Deities You Wish Your Religion Had

1. Oannes

Who He Is

The Babylonian-Assyrian fish god of knowledge.

Oannes rose every day from the seas of the Persian gulf to impart ancient Babylonians with his knowledge of the sciences, building, and agriculture. He was depicted as a humanlike form wearing a fish-skin, with a historian in 300 BC describing him as having ‘another head’ under his larger, fishier one.

Why you wish your religion had him

Babylonian doctors would wear fish suits in honor of Oannes’ gifts of widom. Now, imagine how much better our own society would be if we took up this practice. Even in times of ill-health, going to the doctor would surely be a far less stressful experience if the people who were examining you and reading your X-Rays were all wearing fish suits.

"I'm sorry, sir. I'm afraid it's cancer."

In addition to this, several ‘scientists’ have torn themselves away from looking at double rainbows long enough to theorize that Oannes was in fact an ancient extraterrestrial, who visited mankind and imparted them with the knowledge required to start civilization. They have even suggested that the ‘fish-like’ outer appearance may have represented some sort of alien space suit. Presumably, the dude belonged to some sort of alien race that really liked swimming.

2. Ame-no-Uzume

Who She Is

The Japanese goddess of the dawn.

This Shinto goddess is most famous for her role in saving the world by persuading the supreme sun goddess, Amaterasu, to come out of hiding. Amaterasu had fled to a dark cave after fighting with her brother, and without the its mighty sun, the world had been plunged into darkness. Things were looking dire until Ame-no-Uzume stepped in.

Why you wish your religion had her

Just how did our goddess achieve her amazing feat? By taking off her clothes and dancing like it was 1999.

That’s right, she climbed on top of an upside-down tub and began to dance while tearing off her clothes. The other gods and goddesses saw this and began to laugh and approve so vocally that Amaterasu came out of hiding to see what the noise was about. The world was saved, all because one clever deity got nekkid.

So, if you are into taking off your clothes, whether it’s for intimate relations, skinny dipping, or just because you like getting arrested, Ame-no-Uzume is the goddess for you. Next time you are at a party or family gathering, be sure to jump up on the nearest raised surface and start stripping rapidly. Explain that you are paying homage to your spiritual Japanese heritage, and maybe you can avoid the police being called.

3. Tawus Melek

Who He Is

Frickin’ Satan.

This fallen angel is revered by the Yazidi of Iraq, Turkey and Syria. According to the creation story that their religion shares with Islam and some versions of Christianity, Tawus Melek was ordered along with the other archangels to bow down before God’s newly created human, Adam. He refused, saying that as an angel, he was higher than a being created from dust. The disobedient archangel was subsequently cast out of Heaven and became Satan.

In the Yazidi version, however, the celestial rebel was instead praised by God for being hardcore, and then went on to become a demiurge, creating Earth and quenching the fires of Hell.

Why you wish your religion had him

Finally, you can get away with Satan worship without having to look like this guy.

Modern Satanism sprung up in the 60’s, presumably after Anton LaVey rebelled against his parents for not letting him drink beer or have girls over. It now boasts tens of thousands of members, not one of whom has ever actually touched a woman.

So if you are afire with the need to worship the Dark Lord, but you’re not into fake swords or wearing cheap curtains as clothes, Yazidism provides you with a way to do it that also gives you the chance of getting at least a tiny amount of respect.

The downside? The Yazidi are endogamous, which means they don’t marry outside their religion. They don’t accept converts, either. So until then, you’ll have to be content with wearing black eyeliner and praying to Lucifer that he one day reincarnates you as a Kurd.

4. Ninkasi

Who She Is

The Sumerian goddess of beer.

Around 6,000 years ago, the Sumerians of the Fertile Crescent discovered beer by accident after leaving some bread in the sun for too long. Of course, they realized that something so great could only be the work of the gods themselves. Hence Ninkasi, goddess and personal brewer of the gods.

Why you wish your religion had her

Well, this one is pretty obvious. She is the goddess of beer. A goddess that you can worship every time you get home from work and open the fridge is one that many Americans can get behind.

Accordingly, devotion to Ninkasi has not quite yet died out even thousands of years later. In 1989, an American brewery produced a limited-edition beer called Ninkasi, brewed from the traditional Sumerian recipe using a special bread named bappir. Where did they get this recipe? A 3800-year-old hymn to the goddess herself:

You are the one who bakes the bappir

in the big oven,

Puts in order the piles of hulled grains,

Ninkasi, you are the one who bakes

the bappir in the big oven

You are the one who soaks the malt in a jar

The waves rise, the waves fall.

Ninkasi, you are the one who soaks

the malt in a jar

Sure, you might think it’s pretty cool that a lot of Christian monks brew beer and other types of alcohol. But does that really compare to going to church and learning how to make beer?

5. Kali

Who She Is

The Hindu goddess of destruction and eternal energy.

Kali is the only major deity on earth whose followers still practice daily blood sacrifices of animals (goats, mostly). She appears in many forms in Hindu legends, and there are countless tales of her doings. One of the best, though, is Kali’s epic battle against the demon Rakta-bija, or “Blood-seed.” Blood-seed’s main weapon is implied in his name – any drop of blood the guy spilled would fall on the ground, and from it would spring another thousand demons.

Kali’s solution was to open her mouth and sticking out her tongue to catch the demon’s blood before it hit the ground. It worked, but with a catch– she developed an unquenchable desire for the stuff, and went on a bloodthirsty rampage (get it? bloodthirsty?), destroying everything she saw. Eventually her husband, the god of destruction Shiva, threw himself under her feet in order to stop the carnage.

Why You Wish Your Religion Had Her

Now, we’re not advocating violence here, but unless you’re a vegetarian, you’ve gotta admit that sacrificing goats does have an element of cool. If Kali was worshipped in your city, you wouldn’t be able to walk for all the naked PETA chicks protesting on the sidewalks. And you would very rarely be wanting for a delicious, juicy goat burger.

And then there’s the pictures. Kali is usually depicted as wearing a necklace of skulls, clothed in human body parts, and holding a severed head. Earrings made from human heads dangle from her ears. Her girdle is made of human hands.

Ask yourself: does your religion have a deity that looks like the cover of an 80’s metal album? No. It does not.

6. Tsi-Ku

Who She Is

The Chinese goddess of the outhouse.

Tsi-ku’s special domain was the outdoor toilet, and it was said that people – especially women – could go there to receive the goddess’s divine knowledge about the future.

Why You Wish Your Religion Had Her

Think about it. No more awkward excuses or euphemisms in polite company about what you’re slipping out of the room to do. You could just say to your date, mother-in-law or visiting elected official: “Excuse me, I’m going to the outhouse. To receive some divine knowledge.” No more embarrassing explanations about how long you take in there, either. People will just assume that it’s because you’re really holy and had a lot of future knowledge to receive, and will never suspect that it had anything to do with that microwave burrito that you found jammed right at the back of the fridge that morning.

The fact that Tsi-ku’s revelation was particularly associated with women is another boon, as it lends plausibility to the ‘women don’t poop’ myth that so many of us non-Germans like to believe. In fact, it’s probably women who came up with Tsi-ku in the first place. Imagine this setting:

“What took you so long in the outhouse, my love, my precious flower?” says the man. “By the way, did you like those burritos my mother cooked for you?”

“Well, uh, you see, my love, there’s this goddess…”

Finally, Tsi-ku could provide any one of her worshippers with an easy way to get out of any boring or awkward social situation. Simply say you’re going to go find out about the future for a while, and then sit out in the outhouse looking at books about animals with pancakes on their heads, safe in the knowledge that you are building a reputation as a wise and holy clairvoyant.

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