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The Five Weirdest PETA Campaigns
09.21.10
Let’s be honest, as a species we humans kinda suck. We oppress, kill and downright exterminate entire families of animals, often without even confirming if they would taste good on a bun with a dash of mayo and maybe a piece of lettuce. So it stands to reason that some people would rise up and take the animals’ side, which is precisely why PETA was born. And never in the history of stuff has there been a better example of good intentions went retardedly wrong than People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Just check out some of their worst (best?) bafflingly bizarre campaigns like:
5. “Your Mommy Kills Animals”
OK, so kids are the future, right? Not a particularly bright one but a future nonetheless. So when campaigning in the name of whatever it is you believe in—be it animal liberation or your right to fondle 12 year olds—you should always target the younger generation. Take the time to slowly ease them up into your point of view, present balanced arguments on why YOUR stance on humanity’s dietary habits is the right one and hope kids naturally come to the same conclusion that you did. That or you can just publish a faux comic book, featuring a demented lady slaughtering a live rabbit.
EASTER, MOTHERF***ER!!!
Inside this few-paged leaflet masquerading as a comic and opposing the fur industry, PETA has shown tremendous care for the fragile minds of children by depicting their mothers as murderous knife wielding lunatics. Putting aside the fact that PETA was most likely going for a two-for-one deal with this future Eisner nominee by also keeping kids off of meat forever, I am pretty sure they are responsible for, what, 25% of cases of runaway children in whatever year this thing was created. Think about it, if your mother goes to such dramatic lengths to get a fur coat or to prepare your dinner what is stopping her from going after your hamster? Or your dog?! Or… YOU?
4. “Lobster Empathy Center”
What would you do with an old prison building which you’ve just bought for $200,000? Theme hotel? Greatest bachelor pad in history? Anything that makes at least a little bit of sense? See, this is why you are not working for PETA (though an IQ not equal to your shoe size might also be a factor) because when THEY bought the old Somerset County Jail in Maine, their first idea was to turn it into a Lobster Empathy Center.
How PETA sees Lobsters
PETA’s plan was to make Maine (with its thriving lobster industry) the first state to house an interactive family oriented center where customers of all ages will learn that boiling animals alive is wrong. In most cases, this wouldn’t be such a retarded idea, but because it’s PETA, well, they managed to make it look idiotic, because really… lobsters? In a country struggling with such a massive homeless problem like the US do you really think a large empty building would be best utilized to teach folks about the boring lives of water spider-bugs?
Actual lobster…
Besides, has PETA even had lobster? Bastards are so good that even if we had to cook them on the electric chair it would still not bother most people much.
3. “Sea Kittens”
Michel Foucault wrote a fascinating treaty on the nature of sexual consciousness in the 19th century. The core of his idea was that variable social and political changes which met at the exactly same time all those years ago (expressed in various writings by medical examiners, priests and politicians of their days) have in fact created the modern idea of sex. But by defining the act they have also locked it in such a narrow definition that in the end it helped to create the consciousness of homosexuality and its subsequent persecution. So, what we actually learned from this is that the names/words we use often dictate reality and our perception of it. It’s a fascinating topic which naturally brings me the point of my argument: Fish. We can all agree that there is nothing spectacular about fish.
Really, the only thing those little buggers are good for are fish sticks and, OK, the occasional human saving those lovable dolphins are known for. What? Those are mammals?! F*CK YOU, FISH! Useless scaly scum. But this is not what PETA saw when they decided to focus their attention on fish. Where we see utter pointlessness of existence, PETA saw a simple PR problem. So most likely NOT taking a lesson from Foucault, they decided to change the public’s consciousness and get everyone to call fish… “sea kittens”.
Now, I wanted to be fair to PETA, so I went out and did my own research by throwing a couple of cats into the nearest stream and concluded that they have absolutely nothing in common with fish. There, glad we put that one to rest and no one of any importance had to die.
Warning: Author’s personal anecdotes are a work of fiction and cheap alcohol.
2. “Rescue Shelter Boys”
So… PETA has asked the famous pop group Pet Shop Boys to change their name to Rescue Shelter Boys because that will help the animals. Somehow. You see, after establishing vegetarianism as the leading dietary life style of people everywhere AND destroying the fur industry once and for all, PETA could finally focus on the real evils of the world: Pet shops. Right now as we speak all across this country pure bred animals are kept in cages and sold for money like… well like animals. But dammit, animals are people too! You know, animal-people…
Evil!
PETA said the change of the group’s name would encourage people to adopt unwanted cats and dogs from shelters rather than buying them from pet shops (more like evil-et shops, amirite?). And they would be encouraged to do so by… magic… I guess. Oh of course it was just another of their silly tactics which were MEANT to be rejected and get a lot of free publicity but come on. This is exactly what is wrong with PETA. Whoever there is responsible for their “Any publicity is good publicity” mentality should be locked in a pet shop, have his name changed to Burger McSteak and witness his mom getting plowed every which way in a comic book published by Marvel.
1. “George Clooney’s Sweat-flavored Tofu”
Here is a tip: When a supporter of your cause sends you a sweaty gym towel of a famous actor, like Clooney for example, you might consider, I don’t know, selling it off to some huge Clooney fetishist who will extract the man’s sweat-essence from it and bathe in the f*cker for weeks to come? What you don’t do is be the fetishist yourself. And you certainly do not produce Clooney Sweat Tofu, or CloFu, or “PETA has gone off the deep end” Tofu.
This, but in tofu form.
About a year ago PETA, apparently possessing the futuristic technology needed to extract the Essence of Clooney from his moldy towel, actually planned to spice up their brand of tofu with the man’s perspiration. Now, as far as insane publicity campaigns go, this one takes the sweat-flavored cake. Not only did PETA out themselves as insanely creepy perverts, but they also attached a pretty sick image to the very food I imagine they would want to support. From here on now I will never be able to look at tofu without thinking of Clooney’s armpits, effectively eliminating it from my, and my future children’s, diet for as long as I live. And even then I might leave a clause in my will forbidding my descendants from ever eating Tofu, under penalty of genital mutilation.
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Is it just me or does the banner pic REALLY make anybody else want to f*ck a cheetah? Is PETA’s mission to encourage beastiality?
At the end of the day, organizations like PETA just make my steak taste that much better.
I maintain a deep level of pride in being a part of PETA.
People for the Eating of Tasty Animals.
Erswi – They just want you to love animals.
/cheetah fap
As a liberal, I’d like to ask PETA to help themselves to some Grade A Shut the Fuck Up.
I was once on business in Seattle and went to a restaurant where a dozen PETA idiots were protesting outside because the place dared to serve fois gras. I hate that stuff, but we ordered four servings just out of spite.
Why doesn’t Newkirk ever bare it all for the cause?
Exclusive: PETA’s Pet Killing Program Set a New Record in 2009
Public Records: PETA Found Adoptive Homes for Just 1 out of 300 Animals
Animal lovers worldwide now have access to more than a decade’s worth of proof that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) kills thousands of defenseless pets at its Norfolk, Virginia headquarters. Since 1998, PETA has opted to “put down” 23,640 adoptable dogs, cats, puppies, and kittens instead of finding homes for them.
PETA’s “Animal Record” report for 2009, filed with the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, shows that the animal rights group killed 97 percent of the dogs and cats in its care last year. During all of 2009, PETA found adoptive homes for just eight pets.
Just eight animals — out of the 2,366 it took in. PETA just broke its own record.
Why would an animal rights group secretly kill animals at its headquarters? PETA’s continued silence on the matter makes it hard to say for sure. But from a cost-saving standpoint, PETA’s hypocrisy isn’t difficult to understand: Killing adoptable cats and dogs – and storing the bodies in a walk-in freezer until they can be cremated – requires far less money and effort than caring for the pets until they are adopted.
PETA has a $33 million annual budget. But instead of investing in the lives of the thousands of flesh and blood creatures in its care, the group spends millions on media campaigns telling Americans that eating meat, drinking milk, fishing, hunting, wearing leather shoes, and benefiting from medical research performed on lab rats are all “unethical.”
The bottom line: PETA’s leaders care more about cutting into their advertising budget than finding homes for the six pets they kill on average, every single day.
The Virginia Beach SPCA, just down the road from PETA’s Norfolk headquarters, manages to adopt out the vast majority of the animals in its care. And it does it on a shoestring budget.
Years of public outrage has not been enough to convince PETA to eliminate its pet eradication program.
Now the death toll of animals in PETA’s care has reached 23,640, including more than 2,000 pets last year. That’s not an animal charity. It’s a slaughterhouse.
AM I the only person who’s going to say what we’re all thinking about that PETA ad with the hot babe?:
That looks like freakin’ Katja Kassin.
No, I’m not in any hury to do anything more than minimize my eating of meat (for health reasons)…and I have a chubby, thank you PETA.
also…
Hey…did anyone else click on the “faux comic book” link and see on PETA site’s sidebar a video entitled “Eli Roth” speaks out about violence?
Anyone else find that extremely ironic?
Anyone else instantly have the urge to -not- buy any dvd, movie ticket, or even pirate any movie he has his name on?
Yeah, life shouldn’t imitate art in some regards..but damn!
Is he trying to make himself feel better by being a PETA mouthpiece for the films he’s involved in putting out to the world? Does he know “the secret” (that violence and gore in films -do- desensitize people–especially kids)?
Check out this stupid video PETA made: [meat.org]
That meat.org shit? The reason I group PETA and those stupid fucking pro-lifers together. FUCKING SCARE TATICS.
Thanks, media, for thinking you have to scare us to make us listen.
Cause god only know the Duck and Cover scare tatic only made us look fucking stupid. We still look fucking stupid and we’ll keep looking fucking stupid until the sun explodes or we destroy the planet, which the world is doing rather well at the moment.
Sorry to say, we’re not going to be able to just leave the planet for a new one. Thanks work, for fucking things up.
I’m sad to say I’m part of this generations future, and with the people I know my age, that’s fucking sad.
PETA is a good group. I am all for treating animals with no crulety. I am not a vegetarian. I think we are animals as well and we are preditory. Just don’t be crule. Kill it fast and always eat what you kill. no trophies or fur.
Flowers for the lovers, schnapps for the thinkers, and death to vegetarians! Blood for the Blood God! Raiders for the Cup!
Peta has gone so wrong. And Ingrid Newkirk is a lunatic. When they were all about stopping the fur trade and animal testing the were doing alright. Then BAM some shoved a looney bird up Ingrids a** and she went all cuckoo. This post was great. I was laughing so hard by the end.
I’m a vegetarian, animal activist, & I think Peta is crazy.
I am glad they bring some atrocities to light, but they are bat **** crazy.
Exploit any & everything else, just not animals? What sense does that make? They act like they’re perpetually 5, running around naked, throwing stuff on people, throwing tantrums… is that really the best way to be heard?
Also, wouldn’t posting unattractive people nearly naked work better? Kind of like, quit eating meat/wearing fur/etc or these ads will continue? Not, keep on and more perfect bodies are in store, that’ll teach you fur wearers?! ha
but… the pet shop issue isn’t just the animals in shelters that have to be gassed usually (which is horrible), but it’s also the source of where many petshops obtain their animals (puppymills, backyard breeders) as well. One person I talked to even had a puppy from a petshop have it’s jawbone disintegrate and die in front of their kids. Most petshops buy from puppymills.
People really don’t have to be spastic idiot radicals to care about other sentient earthlings though.
This is absolute proof that only a total idiot would have anything to do with these stupid PETA jerks PETA is for idiots only
I think that extremist groups like PETA actually have the opposite effect of their intended ads. The more they talk about animals vs. vegetarianism, the more I want a juicy burger, topped with bacon, and maybe some pastrami on top. Brb, I’m gonna go find an animal to eat…
Talking about genital mutilation, have you seen their latest campaign in “celebration of National Infertility Awareness Week”? A competition for human vasectomies. Speechless.