Bastardizing Greek Mythology For Wads Of Cash: The Game

Gameplay

I hope your minds remembered to wash up in their nether regions because they’re about to get blown. After not being able to decide what type of gameplay I wanted to include in BGMFWOC (just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?), in the end I settled on ALL OF THEM. Maybe one level will be like, I don’t know, an FPS where as Zeus you mow down entire nations with black fire tornados for looking at you the wrong way (which is ANY way), and then after that you will commander the cursed armies of Tartarus all RTS style and shit. Or perhaps later you will find yourself in an elaborate sex simulator pleasuring the Sphinx with the disembodied phallus of The Minotaur. You just DON’T KNOW and that’s what makes my game so much better than everything else on the entire planet.

All aboard the money train! Choo choo!!!

The demo version will include the following:

Level 1

I am going to cut right to the chase. The first level in this game is all about bestiality. See, what little I remember about the Greek Myths book after injecting my genitals with powerful narcotics—to help me speed-read through it—is almost only human on animal action. Zeus turns into a bull and gets it on with a girl named Europa, Pasiphae builds a hollow wooden cow to screw a white bull, Zeus again turns into a swan and gives a hot poultry injection to Leda (who loves every second of it).

Man, if this wasn’t art, it would be 8 kinds of creepy.

Same as all of you, I found that stuff pretty disgusting (in between short periods of curiosity-sparked arousal), but when I googled the term “animal sex” it turned out this entire beast lovin’ thing was pretty damn popular. So what the hell, I am a serious businessman, right? (Right?!) I can pander to any demographic imaginable. But I couldn’t just outright market animal sex alone (too much competition) so I decided to merge it with another popular commodity – Animal Crossing.

Accordingly, what I imagine Level 1 to be is basically the same layout and map as Animal Crossing (it’s in public domain, right?) which you venture through as Zeus in one of his animal forms (over 20 to chose from) looking for human females to have highly detailed sex with. The planned play-through time of level 1 is approximately 10 hours and we might employ a peripheral webcam that resets the game if you try to avert your gaze at any time.

Level 2

Unfortunately, after failing to recall any part of the book that did not involve acts of bestiality I was in a pinch because I have a predetermined 1.1 book/year standard and I would not ruin it by re-reading this crap. So I did what any man in my position would do: I left it to chance. This involved stabbing the book with all my might and the page the knife stopped at would be the one I turn into the next stage of the game.

The knife pointed to a story about Cronus, the father of the top tier gods in Greek mythology, who also devoured his offspring since a prophecy foretold that one of them will brutally murder his ass (because condoms are for losers too afraid to eat their kids). Anyway, after already pushing the envelope far enough with Level 1 I knew that the next stage will have to get the pundits off my ass so I went with an educational angle.

Oh, and, in my game Cronus is an anime girl.

Level 2 starts off with a (highly detailed) scene of Cronus eating one of Zeus’ offspring – the one born from the animal on human rape (don’t worry, we plan to keep it savory: the baby’s genitalia will be blurred out during the entire time it’s being eaten alive). After that you, the hero baby, must traverse Cronus’ insides and learn about human anatomy or something like that. See? It’s educational! Think of it as God of War meets Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside. Also don’t tell Sony or Nintendo I stole from them again. I can’t go back to prison…

Level 3

Let’s just open the book at random again (by throwing it at a homeless man). What do we got? The Minotaur? Crap, wasn’t that done like a 1000 times? Meh, doesn’t matter, I can bullshit my way through this. OK… I think I got it… It’s still basically the same story as the Minotaur only here he’s half man, half bull, half DRAGON. Yeah, didn’t see that one coming, eh?! Oh and, instead of a regular boring maze, he now lives in a maze brothel!

Where does this genius come from? Even I do not know.

So Level 3 will be something of a sexually charged platformer ala Prince of Persia. Jumping from floor to floor, encountering wh*res, killing wh*res, punishing them for being wh*res. Also there is a Minotaur somewhere in there, I am sure. I guess you can kill him or something, I don’t really care. Over 2000 man hours will be put into the (highly detailed) hooker killing animations with up to 60 fully customable fatalities and we might even kill a real hooker in a motion capture suit because, dammit, my customers deserve THE BEST.

Depending on how fast I can get some sponsors behind this project, the projected time Bastardizing Greek Mythology For Wads Of Cash hits the shelves is Christmas 20[whatever year they parole me after the inevitable arrest for breaking all human decency laws imaginable]. See you then!