3 Easy Steps To Surviving An Alien Abduction

2. Locate Their Weak-spots

OK, so by now you’ve determined that these are evil aliens. You’ll have to fight them. First off, check your surroundings and its inhabitants. What kind of craft are you in? Is it all smooth and liquid-y, like mercury? Or does it more resemble an alien coal-mining station? See, this is important because with this we can know if these aliens rely on physical strength or telepathy/technology. Quick! Did one of them just move that tray with his mind? PERFECT! Jump up and start swinging like a madman, don’t stop for any reason whatsoever until you’re ankle-deep in alien entrails.

To avoid a telepathic blow to your mind’s testicles (or ovaries) you will have to shield yourself from their psychic powers. I would advice constantly imagining a cat in a pink dress playing Mozart on the piano. I could watch stuff like that for hours and assume it would be equally distracting to other species. OR, you can maybe imagine, I don’t know, violently raping the aliens. They may not understand human words, but they will damn understand the image of you violating them with your enormous, human schlong. Female readers should imagine they have a schlong first. This is crucial – you must believe you have a penis, OK ladies? When your mental image distracts the aliens, you can start stomping on their little corpses until you hear either a CRACK or a SQUISH.

If, however, they are the physically-superior-to-you-in-all-kinds-of-ways aliens, keep on reading:

2b. Don’t Give Up Yet, You Bastard!

If the Rocky movies taught us one thing is that Paulie almost definitely had sex with a robot in Rocky IV (seriously, what the hell?!) But if they taught us two things it’s that you should never give up, no matter how impossible the odds might seem. Take Rocky IV again as an example. In it Rocky goes after Ivan Drago, a re-animated mountain of ox muscles shaped to sort of resemble a human being powered by the sheer hatred of America and love for Communism. But does Rocky give up? Never! He simply goes through a montage and punches Ivan in his stupid face. Ideally, before the abduction you have been putting your body through a similar montage every day since seeing the movie like I did, but this is rarely an ideal world (did you know that they actually charge money for food at the supermarket?).

Alright, so you didn’t go through a barrage of training most of your life and you can’t really ask the aliens for a time out to go train for a couple of months in the art of Punching Aliens In That One Spot I Am Pretty Sure Is Their Face. What you can do, however, is grab something heavy. All SF movies had spoiled us with laser guns that shoot flaming buzz saws or whatever and we forgot that absolutely everything in this universe eventually dies if you just keep hitting it with a blunt object. So, again, grab something, anything, and take a swing. This is only the first part of the plan though. If you are indeed on some interplanetary equivalent of a pickup truck full of alien rednecks wanting to go all Deliverance on you, then you can bet there are guns inside it. Find them. I will leave the rest to your imagination.

OK, I lied.