3 Easy Steps To Surviving An Alien Abduction

3. Find the Cockpit, Pilot the Ship Home

You made it. You killed every alien on the ship, and if you didn’t skip the first step of making sure they were actually evil, then you are a bloody hero. Literally. By this point you would be covered in blood or whatever it is that aliens have running inside their bodies. Hope it wasn’t acid. If it was, well, no crying over liquefied flesh, am I right? Right. So, you’re free to go home. But how to do that? In the best case scenario, the ship has remained in Earth’s atmosphere so you can just jump out, but as we discussed earlier, life is rarely ideal, so let’s assume you are somewhere near the Bumf***nowhere Constellation and will have to pilot the ship home yourself.

Take a look at the control panel in front of you. Does it come with pictures? Oh, please let it come with pictures! Just find Earth on one of them, press the biggest, reddest button you can find and you’re home free. If it doesn’t have pictures, then… crap. OK, don’t panic, there is still hope. First, try eating the brain of one of the dead aliens. What? Don’t look at me like that. How do you know it won’t give you all of his powers, abilities and memories until you try it, hmm?! Good. So, after that strategy inevitably fails, there is just one more thing you can do. Push every button and pull every leaver at random. Here’s why:

You are on an alien space ship. You have been abducted. You viciously murdered dozens, maybe hundreds of sentient creatures from another galaxy. You have traveled further than any human in history. You f***ing lived your life to the fullest. And seeing as there isn’t any other choice, why not take a gamble and just start messing with the ship’s controls? Just do it and pray that you either land on Earth or someplace populated by somewhat-anthropomorphic and slutty creatures. God speed, space murder-cowboy.