Each social network brings out the worst in humanity, but in a different way. With Facebook, it's usually the fact that we devastatingly overshare things we really shouldn't. With YouTube, we reveal that as a species we're incredibly retarded. And with Twitter, we reveal just how self-important we really are.
So congratulations to this month's winners of our new monthly contest: you're the fourteen we found egotistical enough to make fun of, in 140 characters or less. And yes, we included your username.
@Reply: He owns a Yugo, a Trabant, a Metro, and, because he's an Aussie, a Holden Piazza.
Character Overage: Just as a personal note, is it me or does every third Twitter profile refer to the owner as a "new media creator"? It's one of those empty B.S. titles, like some jackass with a startup calling himself a ninja. If you were a ninja, your clan would have forced you to commit seppuku by now.
@ Reply: Gee, with that attitude, we can't imagine why nobody wants to talk to you.
Character Overage: The absolute best part of this is that when we checked his profile...his website was down.
@ Reply: When you want to say something, beat it into people with percussion.
Character Overage: We're going to be even less original than we already are and refer you to the Oatmeal re: ALOT
@ Reply: So you're a cross between a pimp and a self-help seminar?
Character Overage: She actually lists "wingman" in her profile. How "wingman" migrated from "dude who gets his friend laid and occasionally sleeps with the bitchy friend" to "cheerleader" is something I'm a little hazy on. I suspect the OP has a similar haziness.
@ Reply: 332 followers! Wow! Every Republican in Massachusetts has a Twitter account?
Character Overage: Yes, sadly, the enticement of Ron's personal photos were not enough to get this RNC Committeeman from Massachusetts more than 339 followers. So we're assuming he posted one picture. No, we aren't going to find it. We're a little scared of what it might be.
@ Reply: As a "before" or an "after?"
Character Overage: As far as we can tell, this guy works in advertising. We didn't get too far into his blog, because he calls his guestbook page "About You", and we want to keep our lunches in our stomachs, thanks.
@ Reply: Is all that on your business card, or was the print getting too small?
Character Overage: Hey, remember those guys we were talking about, the self-proclaimed "ninjas"? Meet the most perfect example. This one seems incredibly twitchy about his lack of a degree, but it's not like that's necessary to run a successful start-up.
@ Reply: Yeah, we saw that porno once.
Character Overage: It's a weird phenomenon on Twitter: grown, reasonably successful women using photos from their profiles that make them look thirteen. Not to mention a little creepy.
@ Reply: I thought it was because you wanted a second way to penetrate people and give them a horrible disease.
Character Overage: Researching articles like this lead you to a lot of people who do, in a word, advertising. And, without exception, they all manage to come off like huge douchebags on Twitter. Bonus points if they have anything to do with SEO or online marketing. We're not sure if it's the industry or the medium, but research is ongoing.
@ Reply: You're criticizing anybody's taste with THAT haircut?
Character Overage: We can't really bring ourselves to say anything mean to somebody who is doing his level best to announce to the world that he's deeply sensitive, because he might actually be emotionally sensitive instead of trying to play one for a stage audience. But, an honest word of advice, that Truman Capote quote is going to embarrass the shit out of you in a year or less, dude. Seriously.
@ Reply: Young MC, while awesome, is not crunk rap, white boy.
Character Overage: Bragging about the fact that you own a wide variety of music is almost as sad as putting "ninja" on your business card.
@ Reply: Yeah, if I realized I'd just tweeted that, I'd be disgusted at myself too.
Character Overage: If you find yourself, at any moment, complaining that you are going to places for work that people pay thousands to see, take a moment to yourself, step somewhere quiet, take a deep breath, and punch yourself in the crotch, because you're being a jackass.
@ Reply: Is this a desperate cry for attention? Or a logic puzzle?
Character Overage: This, the most insidious tweet of all, has infected even the chairman of the Python Software Foundation. If you can tweet this, you are not too busy to tweet. You're just being self-important. Albeit the guy in charge of Python at least has reason to be self-important.
@ Reply: Well, who wouldn't want a photo of an honest lawyer?
Character Overage: We're not really sure in what circles the Legal Rights Institute would be a rock-star type organization, but if it's going to be a problem for anybody, at least it's a problem for people actually doing something for the world.
This concludes our wrap-up of Twitter's most self-important folks for the month of March. Thanks to Tweeting Too Hard for crowdsourcing these accidental Web 2.0 gems, as well as giving us a tool to call out our friends for being jackasses.