If you’re new here, there’s this game we like to play on FilmDrunk where we take a film we’re probably not going to see and try to recreate the plot using only quotes from other peoples’ reviews (expository only, no analysis!). It tends to work better with the more silly-plot heavy films, but this week we don’t have that luxury, we have Adam Sandler farting while Kevin James’ pants fall down, a hurpity-durpity ding dong. Will it be as fun as hearing how Miley Cyrus saved the sea turtles and learned to love the piano? Probably not, but let’s try anyway.
We meet “the guys” as kids — 12 year olds winning a basketball championship. Their beloved “Coach Buzzer” lectures them afterward to make sure they “leave it all on the court” in life, too. Don’t let yourself have regrets later. -Orlando Sentinel
The setup for the story: Their beloved old coach has died. To mourn him they return to the lakeside cabin where they celebrated their victory all those years ago. – Roger Ebert
….in “NEW ENGLAND,” as the establishing title card reads. -Chicago Tribune
Wouldn’t you know, the five kids on the team they beat are at the same lake for the same weekend. -Ebert
Lenny (Sandler) is now a big Hollywood agent who’s married to a fashion designer (Salma Hayek Pinault) with whom he has obnoxious, spoiled kids. -AP
(he insists that the nanny be referred to as an exchange student). -AZ Central
Eric (James) is also married with kids; his wife (Maria Bello) still breast-feeds their 4-year-old son. -AP
The sensitive-since-childhood Kurt (Rock) is a Rachel Ray fanatic stay-at-home dad utterly emasculated by his wife (Maya Rudolph) and her obese, “I got BUNIONS!” mom -Orlando Sentinel
…who’s like a caricature of a Tyler Perry character -AP
with her farts, bunions and pratfalls. -Ebert
James is technically a lawn furniture salesman. -LA Times
Marcus (Spade) still has ’70s hair and “issues.” -Orlando Sentinel
Rob is a New-Age vegan married to the much-older Gloria (Joyce Van Patten). -AZ Central
There are also roles for Di Quon as Sandler’s Asian nanny, and of course Schneider’s three daughters from two previous marriages, two of them towering models, the third short and stout. -Ebert
Since the coach had a great sense of timing, his passing brings them back home for July 4. But most of the fireworks come in the form of the rival team, which still holds a grudge and turns up in all the local haunts demanding a rematch. -LA Times
The fart joke (or at least one of them) is delivered by the old cup-and-string phone method.-LA Times
For long stretches of time, Adam Sandler and Co. sit around goofing on each other, telling stories and reminiscing about old times. -AP
Rob’s hair makes him look like Elvis. “If Elvis was an Oompah Loompha!” -Orlando Sentinel
Copious cutaways to characters laughing at each others’ jokes. -AP
“Nice ears. You get the NFL package with that?” -OrlandoSentinel
Maya Rudolph does a little dance and hollers, “Baby got front!” Chicago Tribune
Hayek’s character blows off her own fashion show in Milan, supposedly because she feels so compelled to stay and take part in the bonding. The payoff: She gets to watch her husband and his buddies in a rematch against the guys they played more than 30 years ago, even though everyone is now middle-aged and out of shape. -AP
Skid mark, fart, pedophilia and breast feeding jokes. “Some male rear nudity.” -Orlando Sentinel
There’s also a bizarre cameo involving Steve Buscemi in a full-body cast. -AP
The boys pee in the wave pools and ogle Schneider’s inexplicably bodacious daughters. -HollywoodReporter
James is only used for fat jokes. Put him in a KFC bucket for a helmet and let the hilarity begin!-OrlandoSentinel
One character ends up with her face in a cake, and another has his face pushed twice into doggy-doo. The nursing mother squirts milk here and there, and her son is warned that if he doesn’t wean himself soon he’ll have a “got milk?” mustache with real hair. The gang all goes to a water park. There’s a basketball game to settle old scores. -Ebert
At one point Maria Bello hoses Rudolph in the face with her breast milk. -Chicago Tribune
Mom-in-law blasts “It must be his time of the month, again.” an adorable tyke blurts “I have to go number two!” James is too plump to be pulled on water skis. -Orlando Sentinel
Normally, at least one critic will give us a clue as to the ending, but I guess with Grown Ups, no one could’ve lived with himself for spoiling it. Nonetheless, it seems like “Kevin James is too fat to waterski” sort of sums it up. I guarantee someone in Hollywood would’ve bought that pitch six months ago.
I want more like this!
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