The gossip sites have been going bonkers today over the news that our favorite slow motion, up-shot shirtless hero director Michael Bay has a new lady in his life. According to Splash News and The Daily Mail, Bay spent the day with reality TV starlet and model Lauren Stoner at the beaches of Miami. Stoner was captured by various photogs as she splashed in the water while her explosion-loving beau looked on.
In fact, I asked Bay what his heart felt like when he first met Stoner and he simply replied, “*explosion sound*.”
But as we know from Bay’s past dealings with the ladies, it’s not easy navigating the path to the heart of a man who gave us giant alien robot balls. In this case, though, we know that Bay was the one who opened up, and we have the dialogue to prove it.
“La la la, people are taking my picture, la la la.”
“Oh my, Mikey likey. Whoever might that enchantress be… *small explosion sound*”
“Left, right, left, right, right… wait, no.”
“Haha, water is wet! Time to frolic!”
“eeeeeeeeeee…. (*cough, cough*) (*deep breath*) WHEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee….”
“I must have this bronzed temptress. *multiple explosion sounds*”
“Oh my, it’s a man with money!”
*singing* “I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end it doesn’t even matter…”
“Quick, to the sexy poses!”
“Damnit, left, right, left, right…”
“Well hello… *large explosion sound followed by fireworks noises* The name is Michael Bay, may I join you?”
“Here, allow me to fix this umbrella for you… *makes Transformer noises*”
“So, this chair is pretty comfortable. You must like laying next to me.”
“But if you want to make *explosion sound* with me, you’ll need to earn it.”
“Ohhhh, I like that. Now stretch a little lower and fix my cushion.”
“Oh yeah, re-tie my cotton pants drawstring for me, you naughty girl.”
“You’ve done well. Let’s go back to my place and *explosion sounds* on my Ferrari bed.”
“It’s just around the corner, I left my Porsche with Rosie Huntington-Whitely.”
“Welcome to my boom room!”
I want more like this!
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