The great entitled dork war of 2012 rages on this week with no hope of an end in sight. Adding fuel to the fire, which was ignited when executive producer Michael Bay announced that the famously mutant turtles would also (or alternatively) be aliens this time around (“edgy, lovable aliens” to be specific), is a new report from Bleeding Cool saying the new live-action reboot scheduled for December will be title simply “Ninja Turtles.” WHAT!? YOU’VE BUTTF*CKED MY INNOCENCE, MICHAEL BAY! I’D LIKE TO REPORT A TURTLE RAPE!
We haven’t been able to get a definite statement as to why this title change is occurring, and our sources are not 100% clear on whether or not the Turtles will indeed be adolescents.
One of our sources has said:
It seems to be driven by marketing. Think of John Carter and how Disney wouldn’t allow for a title with either “Princess” or “Mars”.
And we all know how well that turned out. BUT WAIT, THE NINJA TURTLES MIGHT NOT BE TEENAGERS?!?! This a travesty! I will not stand for ninja turtles who are 32-years-old, like half the people screaming about this! That would just be ridiculous!
Meanwhile, director Jonathan Liebesman (previously of the seminal alien invasion film Battle Los Angeles), has weighed in on edgy, lovable alien-gate:
“Look, it’s so funny—if everyone was such a die-hard fan, they would know that the TCRI canisters where the ooze comes from. That is alien ooze. Now I’m not saying what Michael said is exactly what the movie is, because we’re sitting in a room now figuring everything out. So we don’t know, but we are like Michael said: we’re expanding it, and the expansion will be true to the mythology. I promise you: fans will love it.”
Phew, thank God. Pleasing the 30-somethings who self identify as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fans is the key to any successful franchise. Oh, there’s also a possibility that there will be motion capture:
When asked if the turtles would be practical or CGI, Liebesman hinted that they may be done similar to another recent visual effects-laden project:
“All I’ll say is that I love how they did [The Rise of the Planet of the Apes]. That was exceptional.”
ANDY SERKIS: Cowabunga, mate! (*takes bite of pizza with knife and fork*)
PRODUCER (whispering, to other PRODUCER): This is going to take a lot of work.
The director also stressed that the film won’t be entirely about action:
“We’re definitely into the action, but for me what’s more important than that is that it’s a story about brotherhood and friendship and responsibility. Right now, I’m with the characters because those are what attracted me to the movie. They’re the best characters I’ll have had a chance to deal with.” [Collider]
Aw, sorry, Michelle Rodriguez. I guess sassy Latin Army officers just can’t compete with anthropomorphic martial arts turtles who bro down all the time. There’s no way this movie could be anything but awesome.
I want more like this!
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