FLORIDA FRIDAY, PANHANDLE EDITION — 18-year-old John Shiffner got into a fight with his pregnant, 30-year-old girlfriend in Century recently, a small town on the Alabama border. According to the girlfriend, a drunken Shiffner shoved Lakesha Tolbert, who is two and a half months pregnant, to the ground. Shiffner was cuffed and thrown into a squad car, where, naturally, he blamed Obama.
According to a sheriff’s report, Tolbert told deputies that Shiffner pushed her to the ground. The woman, who said that she landed on her back, told investigators that she is 2 ½ months pregnant.
Tolbert, who declined medical attention, said that Shiffner had been drinking all day “due to he was upset about a death in the family.”
After being handcuffed and placed into an Escambia County Sheriff’s Office squad car, Shiffner yelled at Tolbert (whom he denied touching). Shiffner then “began rambling on about how Obama is right,” noted Deputy Matthew Bevins.
I love drunken nonsense rambles. Once in college, I woke up to a drunk friend standing next to my bed. He started peeing on my floor and when I asked what the hell he was doing, he just turned slowly towards me (still peeing) and said, “You remember that bitch? Nancy Kerrigan?”
Regarding the 44th president, Shiffner observed that, “Obama said cops always listen to women.”
Poor guy was just trying to stand his ground, but couldn’t, on account of there’s pregnant chicks all over it. Not in my America! Thanks, Obama! RIP, Uncle Ken!
According to another part of the police report, a nice little non-sequitir, “Shiffner spontaneously stated that he hit his mama because she swung on him.”
Though he smelled of booze, Shiffner “denied drinking any alcohol tonight and refused to state how he obtained the alcohol,” reported Bevins, who added that Shiffner’s mother denied purchasing alcohol for her underage son.
Shiffner was charged with felony aggravated battery and disorderly intoxication, a misdemeanor. [TheSmokingGun]
Jeez, how many moms can they cram into this story? I wouldn’t be surprised if the arresting officer was eight months pregnant. Anyway, you know what’s coming. To be fair, I think Bugs could just lop off the panhandle for this one.
[Obama Gif via Thanks-Obama Tumblr]
I want more like this!
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