If you know me at all, you know I avoid trailers like the plague. It’s massively pretentious and fully douchey, but trailers create expectations, and I like to see everything clean. The fact that I then write about everything I’ve see, setting up unfair expectations for others, well that’s all part of the big lie I’m living. We’ve all been there.
I mention this because I’m about to sacrifice, about to lay it on the line, for you, the reader. This is because I care, and also because I can’t find anything else even remotely interesting to write about, plus I promised Vince I’d help him out today as he stands trial for felony weapons charges (take the plea deal, Vince!). So we’re about to fully consider a trailer, hot off the trailer presses, for David O. Russell’s (The Fighter, Silver Linings Playbook) latest film, American Hustle. To provide a bit of context, this is your leader in the clubhouse for Best Picture. No one has seen it, but it aligns with the general goal of The Academy, which is to reward directors for their third best film. Let’s get to it.
WARNING: This trailer might/could/probably does have spoilers, because the people who make trailers think we’re all too stupid to not want to see the entire film in two minutes. They are loathsome.
:01 – Crazy Christian Bale in ’70s glasses! I already couldn’t be more in the tank for this film.
:13 – “Effin Jesus” is going to be my new go to phrase when I walk through the McDonalds’ drive-thru.
:16 – Jokes, get your fresh jokes here! Clearly, Jeremy Renner is begging for forgiveness because of his awful Avengers and SNL performances. Jeremy, you’re suspect, but I’m willing to take the journey wit’ you. Proceed.
:26 – This is looking very talky, but I like talky.
:36 – Oooh, Christian Bale must have gained 30 lbs for this role. I support this decision, though poor Christian Bale’s heart must live in a constant state of fear as CB yo-yos through different weight classes like a beluga whale during feeding season.
:48 – Why doesn’t Renner have a beard? Can we get the props department on that?
:57 – The verbal setup here reminds of that line from Brothers Bloom about Mexico.
1:12 – Okay, so this has the entire cast of The Fighter, very cool. Hey, wait a beat, where’s Mark Wahlberg?! We can’t do this thing without Mark! You know who out there is as good as Mark Wahlberg? Exactly. Sidenote: how come the term “junk bag” didn’t catch on as a descriptor? That would definitely be on my Match.com profile.
1:26 – Do I detect notes of Blow in here? Is Blow now underrated? Or has John Depp’s work in The Lone Ranger made him forever unclean? That’s a lot of questions, maybe answer in essay form.
1:40 – Well now, that seems like a massive spoiler.
1:52 – The bouffant needs to make a comeback. Mostly because I naturally wake up with one and I’m lazy. C’mon, Lyle Lovett is still cool, right guys? Hello?
1:57 – Jennifer Lawrence on a bed alert. That’s gotta be a spicy scene, but I makka my own salsa if you catch my drift (hint: you don’t).
2:16 – “We gotta get over on all these guys” is pretty much what I say every time I enter the Olive Garden. And I always do. A never-ending soup bowl? You poor bastards, back up the soup truck.
So there you have it. They may have ruined the film for us, but they’ve also piqued my interest. Anytime we get a period piece involving double and triple crosses mixed with a funky soundtrack and zippy lines, I’m pretty much all in. Probably why I liked Fantasia so much.
*American Hustle comes out December 13th, so just hold your horses until then.
I want more like this!
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