Behold, the new finest news lede ever written:
JANUARY 8–A domestic dispute over space aliens escalated Saturday morning when a lingerie-clad New Mexico woman allegedly pointed a silver handgun at her boyfriend, a weapon she retrieved from her vagina, where it had been placed while the accused was performing a sex act, police allege.
It’s a good thing they included the color of the gun, because that was going to be my first question. “Wait, so she was performing a sex act with a gun and then she almost shot her boyfriend over aliens? Okay, sure, but what COLOR was the gun?”
To make matters more strange, the arrested woman is the most recent ex-wife of Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Cormac McCarthy, author of “The Road” and “No Country for Old Men.”
I suppose the Cormac McCarthy connection does make it “more strange,” but suddenly that scene in The Counselor where Cameron Diaz has sex with a car makes a lot more sense.
Said McCarthy’s boyfriend, “It was too… gynecological to be sexy.”
As detailed in a probable cause statement, Jennifer McCarthy, a 48-year-old artist [clearly -Ed], argued about space aliens with her 53-year-old beau, whose name was redacted from the document released by the Santa Fe County Sheriff’s Office. When questioned by deputies, McCarthy reportedly acknowledged that she “did have a gun at the time” the couple was yelling at each other.
McCarthy’s boyfriend told investigators that following the argument McCarthy departed her Aventura Road residence. Upon returning to the home, he told deputies, McCarthy went into her bedroom and later emerged “wearing lingerie and a silver handgun in her vagina.” She then proceeded to “have inner course with the gun,” according to the court fling.
While using the gat as a sex toy, McCarthy reportedly asked her boyfriend, “Who is crazy, you or me?”
After removing the gun from her vagina, McCarthy pointed it at her boyfriend’s head, investigators charge. Fearing that he could get shot, the man grabbed the weapon from McCarthy and put it in the toilet.
Look, people, the vagina is not a holster and the toilet is not a gun safe, how many times do I have to tell you?
According to public records, McCarthy married the publicity-shy Cormac McCarthy (seen at left) in Nevada in January 1998. The couple, parents to a teenage son, divorced in Texas in 2006. [TheSmokingGun]
Aw, man. I almost don’t even want to post this, because I can’t imagine how much more rough being a teenager would be if your mom’s mugshot was on the internet for having a gun in her vagina. Then again, if the kid lives in Texas, it probably isn’t that rare. I don’t think you’re even allowed to vote in Texas until you’ve had a gun arrest.
I want more like this!
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