Opening Everywhere: Divergent, Muppets Most Wanted
Opening Somewhere: Nymphomaniac: Volume I
FilmDrunk Suggests: For a short period, Vince was actually the only bad review for Nymphomaniac on Rotten Tomatoes, which led to people complaining that he should change his review so the film could be 100%. I’m pretty sure they were serious, which was absolutely hilarious to me. Anyway, Divergent had a pretty decent Thursday night with about $5 million in earnings, and it is expected to haul in about $60 million overall this weekend. We were guaranteed at least one sequel as it was, but this means that studios are going to keep cramming this young adult adaptation nonsense down our throats, like each tale of attractive young people saving the dystopian future is better than the last. If anything, it’s good news for my upcoming YA novel series, Centaur Spring Break: The Legend of Brody’s Rockin’ Abs.
That said, go see Muppets Most Wanted, because it’s guaranteed to be adorable.
Divergent
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 42% critics, 78% audience (that’s not great)
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
Woodley is an obviously talented actress, a standout in The Descendants and The Spectacular Now but she’s let down by the story surrounding her. – Linda Barnard, Toronto Star
With a couple of elaborate action set pieces and some trippy, dreamlike sequences when Tris’ thoughts are on display, Divergent is sure-footed, suspenseful, and sequel-ready. – Steven Rea, Philadelphia Inquirer
Armchair Analysis: I was a young adult once. I liked dumb comedies and action movies. Today’s young adults apparently like stupid movies, or Hollywood thinks they like stupid movies. Anyway, if you’re a young adult, stop seeing these movies. Instead, start writing your own stories. Don’t make them about vampires or butt-chugging cyclopses named Trip or Sage. Make them about something cool and help promote new ideas and creativity. We don’t need to see any more Abercrombie models pretending they can act like supernatural beings who must save the world from mean adults. Be creative, the future depends on you.
Also, I didn’t realize until today that Miles Teller is in Divergent. Of course he f*cking is.
Muppets Most Wanted
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 77% critics, 82% audience (who f*cking doesn’t like the Muppets?)
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
The only thing better than one Kermit is two. And the only thing better than two Kermits is one with a Russian accent. – Betsy Sharkey, Los Angeles Times
Sunny and cheerful, Muppets Most Wanted is a cascade of epic silliness, good for a few fleeting and familiar chuckles. – David Hiltbrand, Philadelphia Inquirer
Armchair Analysis: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
Nymphomaniac: Volume I
Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 75% critics, 79% audience (don’t care)
Gratuitous Review Quotes:
Thurman is the one blast of the life force in this handsome, sometimes funny, oddly remote film. – Richard Corliss, TIME magazine
[Von Trier’s] internal battles with freedom and restrictions, though not always pretty or wise, provide us with these uniquely troubled stories and images. – Liam Lacey, Globe and Mail
Armchair Analysis: I honestly have no interest in this movie whatsoever. That’s what Shia LaBeouf’s bullshit antics have done to me. Kate Upton could be in this as a character named Reverse Cowgirl Rachel, and I’d be so pissed that I had to watch it just to see her part. F*ck off, Shia.