You may not have heard, but the clock is officially ticking for cancer. A drug that blocks the protein CD47, which has shown promise in treating leukemia and lymphomas, has now been shown to shrink or even completely erase human cancer tumors transplanted into mice.
This is right after it was shown recently that aspirin is an effective treatment as well, meaning that turning cancer from a possible death sentence to a disease that’s easily treatable could happen sooner rather than later. Like “within the next five years”-type sooner rather than later. Sure, we’ve heard this before, but the reality is, we’re closing in on a cure. Even if these don’t pay off completely, we’re still tantalizingly close in a way we’ve never been before.
And then science is going to be left with a quandary.
Curing cancer has been one of the biggest goals in medical science for the last century. Billions upon billions of dollars and thousands of lives have been spent learning how cancer works and how to stop it. And suddenly that motivation is going to be gone.
So where to next?
#5) Alzheimer’s
The study of Alzheimer’s is, of course, not exactly underfunded or undersupported. But Alzheimer’s should get some more focus for a simple reason: we don’t understand the brain.
One of the side effects of decades of cancer research and funding is that we learned a lot about human biology and medicine along the way. Focusing the resources we were dedicating to cancer on Alzheimer’s would mean we’d learn more about human neurology, still one of the great unexplored frontiers.
#4) AIDS
AIDS went from a fatal disease to a controllable one…but it’s still not cured. We need to finish the job, especially since finding a cure will have an incredible impact on sub-Saharan Africa and the rest of the Third World.
#3) Autoimmune Diseases
Part of the breakthrough in cancer? Figuring out how to get our immune system to do the job for us. That’s pretty much all blocking CD47 does. Working on autoimmune diseases will not only save lives directly, the benefits will save lives indirectly.




I’m going to go with more boner pills or something to stop hair loss.
…or both at once, thus eliminating the need for manscaping?
Improving masturbation.
If it needs improving, you’re doing it wrong.
I can only reach so far.
They can’t cure cancer! It would totally ruin chick flicks!
Third Act:
Heroine: I didn’t know that middle aged people could have such great sex! But I just got back from the doctor… I have (gasp) CANCER!
Dumb Hunk: Oh, my God!
Heroine: The doctor told me to take this pill – it’s supposed to cure me…but…
Dumb Hunk: Take the pill. Be strong.
Gay Best Friend: Take the pill, girlfriend!
Heroine: (gulp) Oh, My God! It leaves a METALLIC AFTERTASTE!
Dumb Hunk: Jesus! (bursts into tears)
Gay Best Friend: This is not fair! NOT FAIR!!
Heroine: Hold me…
Group hug. Fade to black.
It would also ruin my parody of weepies, where the bitchy best friend gets colon cancer, and the third act ends in an explosion of blood, feces, and screaming.
Would being turned into a cyborg be considered a medical breakthrough?
#1 should be the little pill Bradley Cooper took in Limitless.
Inevitably it will have to turn to antibiotics, since we’ve only got about 20 years before tuberculosis becomes unstoppable and retains it’s old spot as the #1 worldwide killer. There are already strains resistant to everything we’ve got and there’s zilch in the pipeline because antibiotics aren’t money makers like boner pills and anxiety drugs.
DIABEEEETUS is the #1 health concern in the United States. Probably need to find a way to re-start insulin production in patients.
They have not been trying to cure cancer. “They” being the big pharmacoms. They don’t want to CURE it, because then they can’t milk the money out of the patients for decades. They want to TREAT it. We’ve actually had a strong possible cure, a treatment that completely eradicates the cancerous cells since around 2008. It involves Nano-particles of gold wrapped around a silicon (sand) shell. They basically attach markers on these nano batteries to seek out any cell with cancer, and shine a light on the affected areas, where the batteries absorb the light that naturally passes through our bodies, heat up, and burn the cancer to death while inside our bodies. The leftover batteries then get absorbed normally or passed out of our bodies in the standard fashion. Look this shit up, you’ll be absolutely PISSED off when you see that in lab trials with rats, they have a 100% success rate. Name one other thing in medicine with a 100% success rate.
Booze is my medicine and it has a 100% success rate of getting me crunk, son.
Cure aging? Someone didn’t read drew’s book?