E3 Predictions — The Likely to Not So Likely Things We're Going to See From Microsoft and Nintendo

They’ve fallen just short in the past, but this year Microsoft hopes to set the Guinness world record for ugliest stage design.

Microsoft

- Halo, Gears of War and Fable are getting sequels, because of course they are.

- In fact, forget sequels — new trilogies all around! No, wait, quadrilogies! No no, quintologies!

- Some new social media thing is available on the Xbox dashboard. Maybe, uh, I dunno…Pinterest?

- Kinect everything! There’s no game that can’t be improved by standing in one spot and waving your arms around.

- Rare revives a beloved franchise in a way nobody wants to see. Get ready for Kinect-controlled match-three puzzle game, Battletoads Block Bashers this holiday!

- Microsoft will now give you an Xbox 360 for free if you cross-your-heart promise to use Internet Explorer 9.

- Xbox 360 Avatars will finally be changed so they don’t stand with one leg pointing forward like complete douchebags anymore.

- Microsoft will tease the Xbox 720. Peter Molyneux, distraught at not being the star of the Microsoft press conference for the first time in a decade, runs on stage and claims the 720 will be able to harness the life force of the universe to deliver pure happiness rays to your brain’s Q-zone. “Milo is real! Milo is reeeeaaal!” he’ll scream as he’s dragged from the stage.

- Microsoft boldly enters the handheld gaming market with what appears to be two Zunes taped together.

- Microsoft finally admits the neon green is kind of tacky and commits to subtle earth tones for the Xbox 720 branding.

Tomorrow I’ll make more very serious predictions for Sony and some of the more significant 3rd party publishers. Get excited.