E3 2012 — Microsoft Press Conference Recap with Instant Reactions to Halo 4, Gears of War: Judgement, Xbox Smartglass and Much More!

- Sweaty douchebag (and Head of Microsoft Studios apparently) comes out to remind everyone that Microsoft owns some companies that make games!

Gears of War: Judgement

- Bunch of brief flashes of burly men doing stuff. Baird is handcuffed and does some smirking. Or maybe that’s just Marcus Fenix without his do-rag. I dunno, Baird’s the burly soul-patched guy with the blonde hair, right?

Instant Reaction – Nice highlights dude.

Forza Horizon

- We see some cars driving on roads.

Instant Reaction – Literally nothing happened in this trailer to distinguish this game from any other racing game made ever.

Things to Watch and Listen to on Your Xbox

- Out comes Yusuf Mehdi, Head of Marketing and Strategy — his current strategy seems to involve looking like he’s about to vomit from stage fright.

- You can now control Bing with your voice! Even if you’re Mexican!

Instant Reaction – Microsoft — bringing technologies nobody cares about together! “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” sounds 100% more awesome in Spanish.

- Nickelodeon, Paramount, Machinima and Univision stuff steaming on the Xbox.

Instant Reaction – Finally, a way to catch up on my telenovelas.

- You love the NBA and NHL? It’s coming to Xbox!

Instant Reaction – Eh, love’s a strong word, but that’s cool I guess.

- Also, ESPN! Four different ESPN channels! Something, something, blah blah blah…

Instant Reaction – Ooookay, okay, enough with the sports.

- Here’s a trailer of various bearded young men enjoying sports!

Instant Reaction – Stop it! Just f–cking stop it right now!

- Xbox is launching Xbox Music. 30 million tracks available for Xbox 360, Windows 8 Tablets and Phones. The most generic possible “we’re launching a music service” video follows. Glowsticks! Ravers! Breakdancing! No smooth jams available apparently — only music suitable for gyrating in an over packed warehouse.

Instant Reaction – Tellingly Microsoft showed zero features that will set this apart or above iTunes in any way, shape or form.

Say one more word about sports and I will murder you.

Nike Fit

- Some guy from Nike that looks like Matthew McConaughey comes out. Nike’s making a Wii Fit clone. Talk about athletes, and sports and oh my God, who the hell cares.

Instant Reaction – SHUT…THE…F–K…UP ABOUT…F–KING SPORTS. I…I think Microsoft has made me hate all sports now. NBA Playoffs? Not watching anymore. Don’t care. I’m just going to leave my TV off for two weeks during the Olympics. This is what you’ve done to me Microsoft.

Xbox SmartGlass

- Your Xbox 360, and Windows, Apple and Android phones and tablets can now interact. Send movies from your tablet to your TV. Bonus material and information from your TV show or game can show up on your phone or tablet. Examples given are an interactive map that would accompany episodes of Game of Thrones or being able to check out Halo maps on your tablet as you play.

Instant Reaction – This is actually pretty neat — although maybe it just seems cool after the hour of brain meltingly boring “the Xbox now streams hockey!” crap.

- Can use your phone or tablet as a controller for your Xbox or TV. The Xbox dashboard has been redesigned yet again to accommodate touch controls.

Instant Reaction – Yeah, this seems like a smart little stopgap to combat the WiiU. Not bad Microsoft. I’m feeling something I haven’t felt since the beginning minutes of this press conference. Could this be…goodwill towards Microsoft?

- INTERNET EXPLORER ON XBOX 360!!!

Instant Reaction – Whelp, goodbye goodwill. I hope Sony combats this announcement by unveiling Netscape on the PS3.

Way to go guys — you found the one scene where she’s not topless.