Because their lives are already over. Maybe not literally (yet…?), but if you can’t appreciate Malcolm Brickhouse and Jarad Dawkins, the Brooklyn-based preteens who formed brutal metal band Unlocking the Truth with childhood friend Alec Atkins a few years ago, then you’re already dead. I mean, damn, just look at that afro.
It’s nice when songs do what they say they’re going to do (future hyper-specific iTunes genre: “Literal Pop”?). Black Flag’s “Life of Pain” sounds tortured, for instance, while Jay-Z proves his gangster self-worth on “Justify My Thug.” On her new single, “Bring the Noize,” M.I.A. does exactly that: her voice glitches and stutters, loudly, over a banging, clattering beat that one might call “noise.” Also, there’s a reference to “Me and Bobby McGee,” and now I can’t stop thinking about what a collaboration with M.I.A and Janis Joplin would sound like. Definitely not “too positive.”
Taylor Swift previously denied that her song, “Dear John” was about John Mayer, telling Glamour magazine last year that she would “never disclose who my songs are about” and that it was “presumptuous” of Mayer to claim that he was “humiliated” by one of her song. Mayers, of course, is 12-years older than Swift, so while you might think that he’d be above writing a retaliation track about her, he’s apparently not.
Enter “Paper Doll,” Mayer’s latest single that was uploaded to YouTube today accompanied by a delightful video that features Prancercise creator Joanna Rohrback once again showing off this year’s most celebrated fitness routine. But Rohrback’s dance moves take a back seat to the lyrics, as people are trying to decipher them to decide if this is indeed the easy listening crowd’s version of a diss track.
1. Never leave your computer, ever. For the past week, I’ve either been in a car, boiling, or tent, boiling, or waiting to see Paul McCartney, boiling, at Bonnaroo in Manchester, Tennessee, so I wasn’t able to take part in the collective Internet orgasm known as OMG NEW KANYE WEST YEEZUS #yeezus Day when the album leaked. In theory, this should be a good thing — it allows separation from instantaneous reactors; opinions are never as outrageous as they are right when something happens. If you write a review about a movie or album directly after you’ve seen or listened to it, you’re more likely going to speak in big proclamations, with little room left for evaluation. Things will either be AMAZING or TERRIBLE. But why is it TERRIBLE or AMAZING? That might be left out…
Oh, did you hear? Kanye West’s much-anticipated Yeezus is out today. Get excited. Or not, I guess. Personally, I’m kind of meh over it, as I am with most highly hyped things. They rarely live up to expectations, I find.
But hey, you know who is excited for Yeezus? Clownish ESPN college basketball analyst/fossil Dick Vitale, that’s who. Yes sir, ole Dickie V. is down with the Yeezus. He must think Kanye went to Duke or something. Or he’s desperately trying to appear “cool.” One of the two.
I will say this for Yeezus, though: any album that includes references to croissants — which I LOVE — gets a few bonus points right from the start. So there’s that!
It’d be perfect, if it weren’t so damn sad. On her 2008 hit, “Rehab,” Rihanna sang, “It’s like I checked into rehab/And, baby, you’re my disease.” Now, according to Jezebel, Ri will check into the Centers for Relationship and Sexual Recovery (CRSR) on Recovery Ranch, a.k.a. “love rehab,” to get over the disease known as Chris Brown.
Well, well, well. Yeezus is now officially available for download on Kanye’s website. And above is a promo video inspired by a scene from American Psycho that features Scott Disick in Christian Bale’s role and Jonathan Cheban in Jared Leto’s role.
Enjoy!
I’ve never heard of the Cryptic Murmurs prior to today, and I’m guessing you haven’t either, but I have to tip my cap to them for the stroke of marketing genius that inspired them to make a song about Anderson Cooper. The formula is simple: make a song about Anderson Cooper, increase your chances of getting mentioned on his show dramatically. It’s a sure fire formula for success that I’m sure dozens of aspiring rappers will soon imitate.
That said, the song they made isn’t terrible and it’s filled with some pretty fun lyrics. The moneyshot: “Stole his hair from the main of Pegasus.” That’s some inspiring sh*t right there, folks. Enjoy…
For your sake, I hope it wasn’t Tiny Tim. Those are some tulips that should NOT be tiptoed through. Anyway, the good folks at Gorilla Mask directed us to pbump.net, which will tell you “what your parents were probably having sex to when you were conceived,” if you dare. I, for one, am terrified, but here goes nothing.
/types in August 6, 1987
