When last we checked in on Mark Wahlberg, he was making dumb statements about 9/11 and being subsequently turned into a time-traveling, tragedy-averting meme. (To be fair, he did apologize for 9/11. Er, I mean, for the thing he said about 9/11. He didn’t cause it . . . OR DID HE?)
RELATED: Official FilmDrunk Oscar discussion is open and tipsy HERE
Not only does Wahlberg wax fantastic on what he’d change about the past, but now he’s even making claims about major events of the future. He tells the Huffington Post UK he already knows who’ll win the Oscar because he’s “got a friend at Pricewaterhouse.” And if there’s one thing PricewaterhouseCoopers is known for, it’s leaking the names of Oscar winners. If there are two things PricewaterhouseCoopers is known for, it’s leaking information and befriending Marky Mark (but not the Funky Bunch). If there are three things PricewaterhouseCoopers is known for, it’s those first two things and also having a stupidly long name. At least this didn’t turn into a Monty Python “Spanish Inquisition” reference, which is unexpected. A surprise, you could even call it.
So let’s assume for a moment there was a leak at PricewaterhouseCoopers. It wouldn’t have went down like it did if they had Wahlberg guarding those envelopes. There would have been a lot of blood in that high rise office and then Wahlberg saying, “Okay, we’re going to get these secrets there safely, don’t worry.” But if the leak really happened, who does Mark Wahlberg say will win big at the 84th Academy Awards? Here’s the list his possibly-real friend gave him:
- BEST PICTURE: The Artist
- BEST ACTOR: Jean Dujardin
- BEST ACTRESS: Viola Davis
- BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Octavia Spencer
- BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Christopher Plummer
- BEST SOUND EDITING: Transformers: Dark of the Moon
- BEST COSTUME: Hugo
- BEST PRODUCTION: Hugo [We're not sure what "Best Production" means since there isn't an award for that. Perhaps he meant best director for Martin Scorsese?]
- BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY: Hugo
Wahlberg is going to be in Paris during the ceremony, possibly watching it on TV like the rest of us, except it’ll be some sort of special celebrity TV encrusted with jewels and held aloft by naked supermodels. I imagine his reaction to the reading of the nominees will go something like this:
Just assume he’s looking at the losing nominees when he says it. The Descendants? “NAWT YOU.” Midnight in Paris? “NAWT YOU.” The Help? “NAWT YOU.” Moneyball, The Tree of Life, War Horse? “NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AND NAWT YOU.”
I want more like this!
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