Rihanna Wearing Nothing But Kale On The New Esquire Cover Doesn’t Make Her The ‘Sexiest Woman Alive’

Every year Esquire names a new “Sexiest Woman Alive” and just about every year I disagree with it. This year is no exception.

It’s not that I don’t find Rihanna attractive, because I do, and I certainly wouldn’t pass up the chance to cuddle with her, not that that will ever happen — but I’d cuddle the sh*t out of her, for the record. She’s definitely sexy. So she’s got that aspect of the Sexiest Woman Alive criteria cover. My problem with her selection is, well, I just don’t think she’s a woman.

Yet.

Is she, at 23, old enough to be a woman? Certainly. I have known 23 year old females who were women. But I think Rihanna is, bless her heart, still a girl. If she were fully evolved from girl to woman I just don’t think she’d need to resort to scantily clad,  prolific crotch-grabbing antics to get attention from fans. And let’s face it, if she were really the Sexiest Woman Alive she wouldn’t need to pose nude on the cover of the magazine to exhibit her alleged sexist person with a pulse and a vagina sexiness. Rather, she could merely pose smiling wearing a little black dress against a plain white backdrop and every hetero man with a functioning libido would yearn for her embrace.

Oh, and let’s not forget about the fact that she dated Chris Brown. There’s a lot to be gleaned about a person, male or female, through who they choose to mate with, and Chris Brown is, of course, the f*cking worst.

Obviously, some of you will disagree with me, perhaps emphatically so, but just know that all of my wisdom about women was imparted to me by Ghostface Killah, so it’s virtually infallible.

(Vid via Spencer Hall)