An amazing Chris Brown album review in Fortune has emerged which harkens back to that magnificent Nickelback review. Once again a local music reporter is pulling no punches, a skill Chris Brown is wont to learn. (ZING!) The review was written by Australian writer Chloe Papas in an issue of X-Press Magazine.
Although Papas’ review doesn’t have the brevity of Chad Taylor’s, it makes up for it with colorful turns of phrase. From “Till I Die is a catastrophic misogynistic sh-t of a song” to “this is a catastrophic clusterf–k of an album that shouldn’t appeal to anyone with ears”, this review has everything. But it’s perhaps the way Papas addresses Team Breezy that clinches it:
Regardless of whether Chris Brown has any musical talent (he doesn’t) or whether this album is any good (it isn’t), the man recently brutally assaulted a woman, and is still regularly invited back to award shows and worshipped by ‘Breezy’ fans worldwide. Which is, frankly, disgusting. And for those of you out there saying you need to separate the music and the man: screw you, don’t encourage his actions. Final words: don’t buy this album.
She finishes by awarding the album “NO STARS EVER”.
Hey, Papas, we got you something:
[Pictures via Reddit , commenter Patty Boots, and also Reddit. Hat tip to Gawker.]
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“NO STARS EVER” is the cherry on the sundae. Brilliant.
Also, I wish I could remember where I got that LL gif, because it’s my favorite ever.
I wish someone could find the “I reject Chris Brown’s comeback!” gif from 30 Rock.
The best part about that gif is that even Tina Fey has a better track out that anything Chris Brown has ever done.
idiot
Meh.
Where’s team breezy in the comments section to defend their hero? That’s the best part of every Uproxx Chris Brown post.
Not a Chris Brown fan at all but damn this dude was Justin Bieber until he S&M’d Rihanna a bit an now he’s some kind of menace. If cats went in on every dude who smacked their girl up then I would be cool but damn its getting old.
Good call – they came in right behind you, apparently.
Note the “Not a Chris Brown fan, but…” disclaimer at the beginning. Yup, I believe that.
“S&M’d Rihanna a bit” is putting it lightly. He beat the everloving shit out of her. Did you see the pictures? Did you read the police report? Brown’s a violent, misogynistic sociopath who should be behind bars. No one should buy his albums ever.
Rapier Ape, you’re an idiot. He assaulted a woman. He is a criminal and a coward at that. Any man who lays his hands on a woman like that is not a man at all and his music is terrible to boot. It’s fucking pathetic that you’re defending someone who is abusive towards women.
Good thing this idiot quoted Big Sean’s line in the song and not anything from Chris Brown. Good journalism right there.
its the type of thing that newspapers and magazines do… people who are reading and havent heard the album will base their judgement from the only information they have which will be from the article… so they add a bunch of lies and twist a lot of things around
the fact that you know that makes your point invalid.
You know what is also awesome Al Green shot and killed a woman but he still sells out shows without a problem. I guess he should have killed her Eh????
No, Mary Woodson commited suicide.
Nice job criticizing the journalist for not doing her research and then claiming Green killed a woman. Get your facts straight, son.
Rapier Ape = doucetard.
No Team Breezy member but Damn…. Can the man get a break? He hit a female a few years ago, when I believe he was still a teen. You cant hate the man forever I mean jesus Chloe Papas clearly is biased against dude. Why even let her review the album she knew she didn’t want to hear in the first place? The album has a couple of songs that are ok, one that my son absolutely loves (Turn Up The Music), so to say CB has 0 musical talent is just hate. Fuck.This.Bitch
Anyone else find the phrase “He hit a female” creepy?
@cyber Pilate: yup.
“No Team Breezy member” is the new “I’m not a racist, but…”.
I prefer the Dixon Bainbridge phrasing:
“He just punched a filly in the face”.
Any man who raise his hands to a woman is the lowest piece of shit on earth. My dad taught that to me, and I’ve taught that to my sons. It goes for Al Greene, or Jackson Browne or Chris Brown, or OJ or Mel Gibson…need I go on?
Terrible review… instead of being sensible and actually reviewing an album they are just being negatyive because of their personal feelings towards him… its pathetic especially when claiming he has no musical talent yet he can sing all of his songs on key… just bias… especially when using the lyrics “I super soak that ho / Show ‘em no love / Throw ‘em a towel” to bash him with even though they are actually big seans lyrics and not chris browns.. .. people today dont forgive anyone and just love to hate on people who are being successful…
Hey, Danny and RapierApe… thanks for stopping by, but, please, fuck right on off. It’s nice that you Breezy fans have come here because you found this article when you did a search for Chris, but don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out. Chris Brown is a piece of shit. His music is shit. He didn’t just “hit a female,” he turned her face into hamburger. I’ve seen the photos. He shouldn’t be on awards shows, he should be all kinds of sore from 300 lb. inmates shoving it up his culo. The fact that you bother to show up here to defend the misogynist’s actions, and then act like folks shouldn’t hate his ass the way they do is just sad, sad commentary on the way celebrity is worth more than humanity. Again, in case you missed it the first time FUCK CHRIS BROWN and anything he EVER does.
^^This
His actions aside – which already put him in a$$hole city – he really doesn’t have talent. Honestly, what sets him apart from…Bruno Mars. Or Justin Beiber. Or Justin Timberlake. I could keep going, but on talent alone…there is none. He doesn’t have a good or distinct singing voice, he, uh, likes to go around topless? Get inked? I’m just saying, aside from having the best Garageband producer around, I’m not sure what the deal is with his music.
Oh, and hitting a woman is NEVER acceptable. And its not like it was accidental, he beat the sh** out of her. If that’s called hatin’ then I embrace it.
I apologize I’m a Chris Brown fan because I like the 1 song “Til I Die” which I she used as an example of his bad lyrics which wasn’t his in line but Big Sean’s (the reason why I like the damn song) but you need to get off your high horse and stop acting like you don’t support any celebrity that has done fucked up things. That is what I don’t like or get from you people. No talks about Ozzy whoopin Sharon’s ass, Shawn Penn whooped Madonna. I didn’t hear anyone saying fuck that dude when he was helping during Katrina. Larry Fitzgerald got in trouble for domestic abuse. Fuck people like you never even brought up Leonard Littles name when he drunk drove and killed a woman and enjoyed an NFL career without ever hearing anything about it (yeah he played in the 2000′s). I never cared for dudes type of music but he does have talent. Because YOU don’t like him don’t come at me with that. And last RIHANNA stills hangs out with him. How are you fighting a cause for a 20 something year old chick who is obviously over it???
@Rapier – funny thing is, all the people you list? A$$holes, the lot of them. I’m not sure anyone ever came out in support of them, they can all do time for all I care. You know its funny: I’ve been listening to music for decades and I have bands/musicians I follow, and I’m never above criticizing their work when its not good enough or phoned-in. But apparently no one can ever criticize Chris Brown, personally or professionally or they’re labelled as “haters”. Its precisely that kind of self-delusion and fawning from “fans” that leads them (or at least reinforces) unacceptable work or behavior. Since his work is tied to his fame/infamy, its difficult to criticize one and not the other.
Oh and if it helps: f*** Sean Penn
@Rapier Ape the Larry Fitzgerald was for allegedly shoving his baby’s mother during and argument and hasn’t even been proven. I’ll give you the other people though
she Chris Brown’d Chris Brown…
It’s tough to separate work from the person. When Mel Gibson went off the beam it took me a while to turn on him because sometimes it’s more like Christian Bale, whose tirade really turns out to seem more like momentary insanity (something we all get).
But Chris Brown… was not good. He was not talented. He was derivative, bland, homogenized product of an industry that enjoys turning out the same thing ad infinitum. Took me no time at all to decide to hate him.
Rapier Ape, the reason you like the song is the super soak/towel line? Wow…unless you’re like, twelve, you should probably reconsider the level of lyrical accomplishment that you find stimulating.
The fact remains, this music genre is for little kids. It has the lyrical depth of a nursery rhyme and the songwriting soul of a robot. “It’s catchy”, is the argument most people have for liking music that is made for people that have terrible “taste” in music. The fact is, these people are either lazy listeners that simply digest what’s fed to them or , more likely, have the IQ of a chimpanzee and are incapable of progressing beyond the point of over-produced, derivative crap like this.
The fact that he battered a woman so savagely only strengthens the association between the music and the “man”.
Agreed. Dude even threw that temper tantrum when asked about the situation on National t.v. What a petulant chode. He needs to just man up and move on (i.e. retire would be my vote).
If I like a stupid ass song even though I listen to mainly Phonte, Curren$y, Stalley, Neo Soul and Deep House. This like eating a damn doughnut every once and while. Even though I like good music I find entertainment in a Lil B song every now and then. Spare me your puritanical music beliefs. I apologize for thinking something juvenile is funny. Its worthless arguing a point in this section because everyone becomes the moral and integrity police. May you lead your righteous life. Filled with only listening to music that has nothing but positive messages and provokes ground breaking thought so that you can influence the world. You are right and I am wrong. You know what lets go burn down R.Kelly’s studio so that he may never make another song.
I’m all for burning down … oh, that was sarcasm, was it?
/hides gas can in right hand behind back.
Hey, Rape Ape. The clue phone is ringing, so pick it up.
You’re defending a piece of shit who beat a girl so bad she couldn’t see out of one eye, and had to eat through a straw for days.
Fuck Breezy. Fuck Breezy’s shit music. Fuck his “Yeah, I did that shit!” attitude.
He is the lowest of low. He deserves ANY criticism he gets. No one here is holier-than-thou. You are pathetic for defending him, and you are even more pathetic for acting like a man fuck-starting a woman’s face is no big deal. I hope Chris Brown gets prostate cancer fucked into him by a rabid pack of hungry silverbacks.
I’m not a fan… seriously but dude is a dick he tries to be a badass now because he got comm service but no dude is just a dick if he was a bit more sympathetic we’d forgive him… *cough cough* kobe
Even if Brown Noise never hit a broad, he’d still suck.
Hip hop has been on life support for over a decade, Terry Schiavo style.
@J Frost I’m not defending but this is what I am defending 1) the person who wrote the article decided to call him a misogynist based on his lyrics from a song that wasn’t his lyrics. 2) Rihanna is cool with him and for Christ sakes made a song with him dry humping each other. If she doesn’t care that he hit her WHY THE FUCK DO YOU!!! SHE IS THE ONE THAT GOT HIT!!! 3) You say he has no talent but that song “Forever” (which is God Awful in my opinion but 87M views on youtube) was played at everyones wedding and one of the top songs not only in the states but in the damn world. Not to mention all bs aside the dude is a talented dancer. In conclusion he isn’t the most likeable person out there or the best singer and assaulted a woman but if that is why he is piece of shit then I want to see the same people show this much hatred towards every person who beat his wife or girl then. But I don’t see the hate for anyone else like I see it for this dude. Try enjoying watching any professional sport these days if thats how you feel about women beaters.
Well, RapeApe, here we go:
1. Whose name is on the album? Oh, that’s right. If you think he didn’t have final approval on every single lyric on HIS album, you’re even dumber than I thought.
2. Apparently you are unfamiliar with the classic “battered women syndrome,” so let me spell it out for you. Women who have been beaten so badly they have to have surgery to fix the damage have gone back to the men who have done the damage. It has to do with insecurity and cyclical behaviors. Does that mean we all should just sit back and accept it. Are you fucking serious? I care because I am human. I care because beating the shit out of a woman is deplorable. I care because my aunt was beaten so badly by her piece of shit boyfriend that she had to have her jaw wired shut. You’re a douchebag for even asking that question, and you’re a DUMB douchebag for thinking you wouldn’t get called out for it on UPROXX.
3. I have more talent in the tip of my cock than Breezy. I couldn’t give a shit less what’s played at weddings or what’s topping global charts. If I did, I’d be reading the comments section of a fucking Twi-tard blog instead of explaining to assholes who’ve stopped by UPROXX to champion Team Breezy why they should care about a grown man mashing in a girl’s face before attempting to force her out of a moving car. I will hate on any grown ass man who beats on any “female.” Any day. Anytime.
p.s. Nice try with the last line, RapistApe, but I care less about sports than I do about being a member of Team Breezy.
God, you’re stupid.
Popularity does not automatically equate to quality. You’re a dumbass.
You guys are going a little crazy with all the Chris Brown hate, but Rapier, at the same time, you gotta understand.
1) He beat the shit out of Rihanna.
2) He threw a temper tantrum (right before he was supposed to perform, at that) when asked about it on GOOD MORNING AMERICA.
3) Chris Brown’s twitter alone is justification for any sane human being to hate/dislike him.
4) He’s arrogant and has shown no remorse since the incident. His songs don’t really help that.
And yeah, Rihanna is an idiot for making more songs with him, saying she still loves him, etc. She clearly needs help.
And dude, you can say that he has a “few” good songs, or a few old songs that were good, but he’s literally only significant as a collab artist and only relevant because of his shitty pop songs. Even more, his music hasn’t matured at all. Look at Trey Songz, look at NeYo, etc. Everyone that came up around or with Chris Brown surpassed him a looong time ago.
God, if a girl hits a guy its always different. They get away with it.
This article was obviously written by a man hater even if the incident never happened.