Picking The Super Bowl Winner By Which City, San Francisco Or Baltimore, Has Better Songs

Being a non-football fan must be infuriating this time of year. Not only do you have to hear about the Super Bowl every three seconds, you’re also incessantly asked THE all-important question: “So, who you like, the Ravens or the 49ers?” Any rational person would choose against Ray Lewis, because obviously, but not everyone knows who #52 is; the non-fan has to pick their team for one night only based on other factors, like jersey colors and which team has more players dating tabloid celebrities. Or by which city has better music.

We can’t help with the jersey thing, but we can with the music. Instead of choosing the “best” songs about each city (one person’s “Counting Crows’ ‘Raining in Baltimore’ is the best song about Baltimore” is another person’s “Counting Crows’ ‘Raining in Baltimore’ is the worst song about Baltimore”), we looked at the five most “relevant” YouTube videos under the searches for “songs about baltimore” and “songs about san francisco.” It’s a little less subjective, a little more populist, a lot more scientific, and voilà, you’ll have your team to cheer for.

#5. “For Baltimore” by All Time Low

OK, All Time Low is a Green Day rip-off, but it could be worse…

#4. “Tonight – A Ravens Battle Song (Some Nights Parody)” by Beauty for Ashes

Worse.

#3. “Watch Out For the Big Girl” by Diamond K

The only lyric is, “Watch out for the big girl,” and yet nothing about this makes any sense to me.

#2. “Baltimore Ravens theme Song” by Baltimore Bishop

The Ravens should lose by 935 points on Sunday.

#1. “Baltimore Song” by Joan Chaskelson

The first comment for this self-recorded “toe-tapping, singable song about Baltimore” reads, “No one smiles at you in Baltimore…Unless they are gettin ready to rob ya or steal your car,” which says everything you need to know.

#5. “I Left My Heart in San Francisco” by Tony Bennett

Obviously. It’s nothing special (sorry, Jack Donaghy), but it’s to California as “New York, New York” is to New York and “Incest, Incest” is to Alabama.

#4. “Kaepernicking”

NEGATIVE THREE BILLION POINTS.

#3. “San Franciscan Nights” by the Animals

Skip past the first 40 seconds, and “San Franciscan Nights” is a warm, pleasant song about a warm, pleasant city.

#2. “Save Me, San Francisco” by Train

“Every day so caffeinated, I wish they were Golden Gated.” We should strip the city of six of its titles.

#1. “San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Flowers in Your Hair)” by Scott McKenzie

Hippie nonsense, but at least it’s catchy hippie nonsense.

The winner:

He’s saying, “TAKE THAT BALTIMORE OUR TONY BENNETT AND TRAIN IS SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN YOUR FAN-MADE REMIXES.”