Adorable Kittens Cause Massive Property Damage, Bodily Injury

"Target acquired."

Kittens are in the news today, mostly because their adorableness is making them agents of chaos.

We start in Vienna, where the soul-rending pitiful meowing of a kitten drew the attention of police and firefighters. Despite being trained professionals, the kitten eluded them, sneaking from car to car, before finally disappearing into the guts of a police cruiser. Most people would go to the convenience store down the street for some Pounce treats to lure it out, but, this being Vienna, our crack research team shows that they have neither Pounce treats nor convenience stores, and is in fact located in a pocket universe next to the Negative Zone.

No, being trained professionals (we really want to emphasize this), they decided to destroy the cruiser to get at the sad kitty. After deciding that a tiny baby kitty was worth thousands of dollars in wages and property damage, they jacked up the cruiser, disassembled part of the car, and finally got the grateful kitten, which promptly bit one of its rescuers.

Still, they’re better off than Clayton Williams, who climbed a tree to rescue a kitten, and then managed to fall out of the tree with the kitten, breaking a dozen bones on the left side of his body and forcing him to army-crawl with the adorable little harbinger of internal bleeding in his mouth. And, just to prove that he has bigger stones than you have now or will ever have, he refused to take his pain medication and just suffered stoically through the pain.

By the way, Clayton is nine. We’ve got to wonder what he’ll do when he hits double digits.

MORE NEWS

• In other news, some jerk dropped a kitten in a library drop-box in Cheltenham Township, PA. Clayton Williams will hunt him down as his fourth-grade civics project. (Philly.com)
• Dropping kittens in boxes is popular around the world: in Essex, England, thieves returned five kittens that they’d stolen for some reason through the mail slot. (BBC)

KNOW YOUR STATS

• Unspayed kittens, if left to their own devices, can turn out up to ten million adorable kittens in nine years. (Daytona Beach News-Journal)
• And 60% of them will die alone and unloved in an animal shelter. Have a great day! (Again, Daytona Beach News-Journal)