As science progresses and doctors and lab rats find new and interesting ways for us to become immortal daywalkers, we also see great advancement in the world of birth control. Over the past few decades there have been many types of contraceptive methods – pills, sponges, patches, vaginal rings, IUDs, barriers, tubes, hormonal treatments, rhythm methods, pulling out, biting ears, screaming for whichever deity fits the moment… So yeah, we’ve had our options. But still, nothing beats a good old latex condom. Not just for stopping the pucks before they reach the net, but also because of the insane things that people do with them.
Take, for instance, a 20-year old woman in Fort Walton Beach, Florida as she stopped by the local Walmart to grab a few items from her wish list. The problem is that she didn’t want to deal with that whole “paying at a register” part of the common retail transaction. A loss prevention officer spotted the woman behaving in a suspicious manner, and followed her as she toured the store, placing various items in her purse. When all was said and done, the shoplifter had accumulated nearly $40 worth of items, including: lubrication, a dog collar, teeth whitener, a car window decal, some dog toys and dog food, coffee filters, and – you guessed it – a box of condoms. Unfortunately, she never got around to feeding her dogs while getting the coffee stains off her teeth before her marathon sex session in her car. And that’s about the cleanest scenario I could think of.
Meanwhile in… Florida. A woman stopped at a Naples gas station to top off the ol’ tank, and as she drove away she discovered that her car was driving a bit sluggish. After taking the car to a mechanic, it was discovered that someone had stuffed her gas tank full of condoms. She admitted to the police that she’d been having some issues with her neighbors lately, but I like to think she was doing her part in ensuring the population control of the Saturn Ion.
A Rhode Island man, however, just made sure that the rest of his life is spent behind bars because of his misuse of the most dependable prophylactic. Emmanuel Rios was sentenced to 70 years in prison for smuggling $500,000 worth of heroin into Washington D.C. in his luggage. This obvious genius packed the heroin pellets into condoms and then stuffed the junk-filled Jimmies into two crates of Incaparina juice boxes. When apprehended, Rios immediately crashed through a wall and screamed, “OH YEAH!” but Homeland Security saw through his sorcery.
LINKS
- Woman’s grocery shoplifting list is all over the place. (NW Florida Daily News)
- Gas tank is 99% free from pregnancy. (Naples News)
- Rhode Island heroin smuggler is no Rhodes Scholar. (The Boston Channel)
MORE NEWS
- A judge in Manhattan Supreme Court has ruled that vendors selling Sarah Palin and Barack Obama-themed condoms are not protected under the first amendment because they represent commercial interests and not personal belief. The same company is also marketing oil spill condoms, which is good for all the people that BP has screwed. (CBS News)
- The Rocky Mountain Alley Cat Alliance thought they had a clever marketing plan for feline breeding control with their Tom Cat Condoms, which displayed a message of spaying and neutering pets. Unfortunately, people have been asking them to explain how to actually put the condoms on their furry friends. (Denver Westworld Blogs
KNOW YOUR STATS
- Many lotions that people sometimes confuse for sexual purposes contain mineral oil. This is not good news for condoms. In fact, mineral oil can break down as much as 90% of a condom’s latex strength within less than a minute’s time. According to my ex-girlfriends that’s never been an issue. (Ripnroll.com)
- 70 percent of teens will have sex by the time they turn 19-years old, and the median age for first-timers has dropped to 17-years old. Meanwhile, 100 percent of people who didn’t lose their virginity until their 20s wish they could invent time travel. (LJWorld.com)
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Banner pic: detail of my ‘gay octopus’ costume.
Im surprised Burnsy can even spell condom. I hear hes got at least a dozen pending paternity lawsuits in the Orlando area!
“Unfortunately, she never got around to feeding her dogs while getting the coffee stains off her teeth before her marathon sex session in her car.” You slay me.
Burnsy’s never unrolled a condom far enough to see a serial number
“Pending” is the key word. THEY CAN’T CATCH ME!
The Tom Cat Condoms work well enough, but how do I get the neighbors to stop throwing boots at us?
Hilarioius as always Burnsey! I’m just upset that someone stole my condom in the gas tank prank…Oh Snap, you’ve been condomed lady! It’s better than being iced.Then me and the lady go home and have unprotected sex because lets face it, no one wants to put a condom full of gasoline on their junk. I bet that would burn more than syph but I’d need to ask the editor of this column about that.
Good stat on the mineral lube and latex condoms, Ill have to go back to rabbitt skins.
jewdarican,
I heard it was two dozen.
And, why do all the stupid reside in FL??
I wish Burnsys mom wouldve have heard of protection,funny post btw
Why would you steal condoms? I’m proud to let everyone know I’m gettin it on.
I’ve always assumed that condom serial numbers were two digits.
I love condoms, almost as much as I love dry humping through jeans with Burnsy.
Only sailors wear condoms
When I purchase condoms, I like to stare at the checkout boy.
To me, condoms are formal wear.
Condoms are the original cokc-block.
I only wear condoms when my sleeping bag insists.
That whore.
Condoms are lame, but you can’t trust women with all their estrogen and crazy. I’m holding out for the dude pill.
Your posts are always so witty…I love reading the one liners. Keep em comin, Burnsy!
Hey Burnsey, did you hear about the Swedish company that has made smaller sized condoms specifically for kids that start having sex before they’re big enough to fit into adult-sized condoms? My favorite part has to be the name… the “hotshot.” I can’t wait until they start selling them in the US. This could be the most emasculating product for undersized males since the Magnum. I can just see the embarrassing “texts from last night” now!
what’s a condom??
I prefer to use condoms for smuggling legal items such as extra hot sause packets from taco bell.
Florida is the only state I’ve ever lived where buying condoms was the way of asking the girl behind the counter if casual sex was going to happen later. Being the well-educated girl she is, she’d know that wearing a condom is safe, so therefore casual sex is okay and well, thought out decision…
Florida’s also the only state I know of where there are limits on condoms distributed by the middle/high school nurse because they’ll run out of stock. There is no shame… I love the Sunshine State. Sexiest place on earth.
Kobe!
We should sterilize people who don’t use condoms.
The condom is the glass slipper of our generation. You slip it on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night, then you throw it away. The condom, I mean. Not the stranger.
I love condoms. Safest way to rape.
I read this. Thank you.
Who wears condoms anyway?
How did you hear about my incident in Ft. Walton Beach? I’m going to have to be more discrete next time…
I love the gas tank story. Great read.
So is the sponge still available? Not for me, but a friend wants to know.
For some reason the grocery store near me requires you to purchase condoms from the pharmacy. I mean, I’m there for my Valtrex anyway, but still. Embarrassing.
I’ve found that it’s actually cheaper to buy the morning after pill in bulk from Mexico, grind the pills down into a fine powder, and throw of fist full of it into the the face of the hooker after ejaculating.
You’re welcome.
If you had written this years ago it would have saved me millions in child support!
Condoms aren’t always 100% safe, my buddy was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If it is too big, just put a knot in it……what type of knot do you use Burnsy?
That Burnsy… He is so clever.
I guess no one has found the guy that has been banging the gas tanks in our area. Thanks for using protection. My car is a male. His name is Tyrone and he hasn’t had a moment like that since he was locked up in the tow yard. However, he does appreciate you using protection, you car-banging pervert. Yes, they were Magnums. Burnsy, I didn’t realize you were in the Naples area.
I don’t need condoms where i’m at
i expect nothing less from you, Burnsy – great story!
“A woman in Naples”…I bet you $20 I know who that is!
Great post!
don’t know why the ft. walton chick even bought condoms. coffee filters and a dog collar work perfectly…especially with the lube.
Burnsy and an article about condoms…ahh, the irony…
My favorite use for condoms – ballon animals! Kids love them! Great post Burnsy!
I think that I am going to invent a line of condoms called Brodoms! They come with a heineken and a ruffi!!!
Wow. how much funnier would “Kingpin” had been if they stuffed the gas tank with condoms?