It seems like only yesterday that I was given a student referral in college for public urination, and for all I know it could have been yesterday because I drink a lot. But public relief is a rite of passage for men – it’s like an unwritten entitlement that we hand down from generation to generation. It’s how we beat long lines for Port-o-lets at sporting events and concerts, and it’s how we sign our names in the snow. Women get to give birth and men get to pee standing up, that was the deal that the first man and woman struck at the dawn of time. Sadly, though, some men are using this freedom to make a bad name for the rest of us.
First up, a Brazilian student, Adolfo Mosmann, was hanging out at the House of Blues in Lake Buena Vista, FL (Read: Fancy name for Orlando) and he was enjoying some drinks at the bar. Sounds like a great time for a foreigner enjoying American culture. But as quickly as he was finishing his cups of beer, this Brazil nut was also filling up his own cups. He was urinating into plastic cups and leaving them on the bar. It seems that Mosmann was enacting a little revenge on the staff at HOB, as he’d been thrown out earlier in the night. Even worse, he didn’t wash his hands between fill-ups.
In “Dude that is NOT cool” news, 51-year old Philip Jung was arrested in Stoughton, Massachusetts, where the Asian man had been urinating on a World War II memorial every morning between 6:30 and 7 a.m. Local police set up surveillance after a resident reported a mysterious man watering the memorial daily. Jung was then apprehended and charged with open and gross lewdness, defacement of property, indecent exposure, and other various pee-related charges. Police say they don’t know what Jung’s motive was. Meanwhile, WWII historians are strongly encouraged to explain WWII to Stoughton police.
How about some justice for the outdoor peeing enthusiasts? The city council of Bridgewater, New Jersey voted 2-2 and failed to ban public urination and defecation, which means that it is still legal to pee and make doodies wherever you darn well please in Bridgewater. Only four of the city’s five council members showed up for the vote, while the fifth was presumably outside pinching one off.
- A Maryland man recently received his freedom in the form of a mistrial when a jury couldn’t decide if he’d been the designated getaway driver in a bank robbery or if he was just some dude peeing on a wall. According to Darnell Stewart’s attorney: “If the man takes a pee, you must set him free!” (The Herald-Mail)
- English soccer star Wayne Rooney is in hot water with his coach after photos surfaced of him smoking and urinating on a public street. Said Rooney, “Haha! Now they’ve forgotten all about the World Cup!” (Times of India)
KNOW YOUR STATS
- If nobody provides help, only 15% of bedwetters will stop ruining mattresses each year. So stop dipping your kid’s hand in warm water, jerk parents. (The Bed Wetting Store)
- According to studies done on blood and urine samples, 10% of 7-year old Caucasian girls will experience puberty this year, as opposed to only 5% in 1997. Meanwhile, the rate of heart attack for fathers of 7-year old Caucasian girls just quadrupled. (ABC 7 – Chicago)
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