Who’s The Bigger Threat, Alligators or Street Musicians?

Happy Gator Just Ate a Street Musician. Feed Him Another.

America is the greatest place in the world.  Name us another country where both a street musician and an alligator would flip out in public and get handcuffed.  Yep, no matter what happens, something’s getting thrown in the back of a truck and blasted with a hose, here at Uproxx News.

First up, let’s deal with the creepy, leathery, sharp-toothed creature who’s actually a native of Florida, the alligator.  The gator, apparently deciding it was tired of this nature crap and was going to get itself some easy pickings, had plonked itself down near an elementary school and was just hanging out, but also probably casing the joint and figuring out which fat kids would run the slowest and be the tastiest.

His brilliant plan for enforcing Darwin on the needful populace of Florida was sadly undone by a crossing guard and some dedicated police officers; when the gator began casually sauntering towards the recess yard, no doubt whistling while he did so, the cops immediately jumped on him, securing his mouth with electrical tape and handcuffing his back legs.  Which is great and all, but as the San Luis Obispo police have warned us, there are far more dangerous animal child predators out there, like Pedobear.

Anyway, up in Wisconsin, they have no alligators.  But they do have plenty of hippies, and not all of them are mellow.  Witness the case of one Brandin Hochstrasser, who took one look at the moniker his parents stuck him with and immediately chose the far saner and more sedate name of Bongo Jesus, a name so awesome we’re going to call him that for the rest of the article.

Bongo Jesus was playing a guitar when a passer-by offered a criticism.  There’s no record of what was exchanged, but  it was likely some sort of pithy criticism like “You suck!” or a six-letter slur for homosexuals.

Anyway, Bongo Jesus, not living up to the first part of his name, decided he didn’t feel like living up to the second part, and starting expressing his disdain for the commentary of passers-by via bludgeoning the critic, who was another crazy homeless guy, with his guitar.  Sadly, what should be a funny story isn’t as Bongo Jesus apparently slammed an unrelated person into a wall and tried to wrestle with the cops before being taken down with a stun-gun.  And even that wasn’t enough to sedate him; Bongo Jesus was still awake and cursing even after some tasty volts.

Despite his violent antics, and most likely mangling of a song by the Beatles or Dylan, speaking as a performer, Bongo Jesus has probably fulfilled many street performers’ deepest desires.  Especially the jugglers.  They’ve got torches and knives, punk, respect the jugglers or they’ll end you.