Hey, Japan! Want to Make $31,000 an Hour?

How was this company ever successful?

Hey, Western Massachusetts! Want to run an ignorant, self-righteous troll out of business? Overpaid part-time jobs and hot tasty Internet outrage on order?

First, that overpaying part-time job. Yes, it really is $31,000 an hour, or 2,500,000 funny y-symbol (DINGBATS ARE HARD OK?!), to commemorate Domino’s twenty-fifth anniversary of clogging the arteries and crushing the dreams of sad, lonely men across Japan, while grossing the rest of us out with what the Japanese consider fast food.  Japan is really pulling out all the stops to celebrate the arrival of crappy fast food pizza.  And if you were born on September 30th and are under 25, you’re in luck; free pizza on your birthday!

What do you need to qualify for the promotion that isn’t lame?  Well, be over 18, be a Japanese citizen, and have a pulse.  Apparently more details will be revealed November 10th, no doubt taking this from the realm of the unusual and the really creepy and weird, because that’s just how Japan rolls.  It’ll only be for an hour of work, so it’s got to be something incredibly degrading, like running around in a leather Domino’s gimp outfit, or getting the logo tattooed on your face.  Wait, sorry, we were thinking American, it’s going to be something creepier and weirder than that.

Amusingly, most of the people the promotion is actually aimed at are afraid of participating as they think employees might beat the crap out of them.  Not unreasonable, since a Domino’s employee in Japan makes twelve bucks an hour.  We’d beat the crap out of the guy being paid 2000%-plus of our hourly wage too, which is why we’re updating from the bushes, waiting for that weasel Brad Pitt to step out of his trailer and get what’s coming to him.

Hey, speaking of people getting what’s coming to them, let’s hop on the Internet shame train and call out Judith Griggs, who went from the obscurity of New England journalism to leading light in the Internet douchebag parade in the space of a day.  It all started when Griggs, the editor of a bunch of hamster liners distributed throughout Western New England, kinda like that phone book you can’t get rid of, stole an article from Monica Gaudio, who’d written an article about apple pies in Ye Olde Englishe.  That detail becomes important later, trust us.

They didn’t take off Gaudio’s name, clearly thinking that this would be perfect compensation instead of actually paying her, and unfortunately for them, one of Gaudio’s friends called her and expressed their condolences that she’d been reduced to writing for this rag.  Gaudio, baffled, saw she’d been plagiarized, and contacted Griggs, requesting that Griggs apologize in print and on Facebook, and make a $130 contribution to the Columbia School of Journalism.

Griggs’ reply just has to be reproduced verbatim:

“Yes Monica, I have been doing this for 3 decades, having been an editor at The Voice, Housitonic Home and Connecticut Woman Magazine. I do know about copyright laws. It was “my bad” indeed, and, as the magazine is put together in long sessions, tired eyes and minds somethings forget to do these things.
But honestly Monica, the web is considered “public domain” and you should be happy we just didn’t “lift” your whole article and put someone else’s name on it! It happens a lot, clearly more than you are aware of, especially on college campuses, and the workplace. If you took offence and are unhappy, I am sorry, but you as a professional should know that the article we used written by you was in very bad need of editing, and is much better now than was originally. Now it will work well for your portfolio. For that reason, I have a bit of a difficult time with your requests for monetary gain, albeit for such a fine (and very wealthy!) institution. We put some time into rewrites, you should compensate me! I never charge young writers for advice or rewriting poorly written pieces, and have many who write for me… ALWAYS for free!”

Apparently, this is just an excerpt. We assume the letter included other statements like “I’m an editor because my daddy said so, and I understand the Intertubes better than everyone. All your article are belong to us!”

Gaudio posted to her LiveJournal asking her friends what to do. One of her friends reposted it, and now it’s tracking in Twitter and Cook’s Source Facebook page is full of people slagging Griggs, or just poking through back issues to see who she stole from. Which includes Food Network, CNN, NPR, and WebMD, who we’re sure will be happy to explain how public domain law actually works by reducing most of Sutherland, Massachusetts into a smoking hole, after they’re done laughing at Griggs’ douchebaggery being shot to every corner of the Earth and hitting every mainstream media outlet, thus making her roughly as popular and able to work as Gary Glitter.

The Internet is just awesome.