At the end of every year, we like to talk about how it was a great year for this or a bad year for that. But there’s one thing that it’s always a good year for: relentless, mindless hedonism. We’d like to close this year by updating you on two people who have figured out just how to make hedonism pay, for themselves or others.
First, there’s Sherri Williams. All Sherri wants to do is sell sex toys in Alabama. Unfortunately, Alabama isn’t a big fan of anybody selling sex toys to anybody, because that’s totally Alabama’s business. So she fought a decade long, and ultimately futile, battle to overturn Alabama’s obscenity laws. But fortunately, Alabama has a loophole: you can sell sex toys for “medical, scientific, educational, legislative, judicial or law enforcement” purposes, which seems to translate out to only doctors, scientists, teachers, politicians, judges and cops are allowed to use martial aids. But apparently, as long as somebody can correctly fill out a questionnaire essentially saying that they’re totally using this chocolate flavored lubricant for scientific purposes, Williams can sell it by the jug.
Which is precisely what she’s doing in Huntsville. Out of a drive-through window. Williams opened her “romance shop” in November in an old bank, and decided, mostly because it probably makes Alabama’s politicians furious somebody else has gotten the Swedish Swank Machine, to push her wares via the bank’s car window. Even better, there’s a complete menu of items available, just like at your local Burger King. And, just like the Mickey D’s gives you far too much ketchup, each order comes with plenty of free condoms. Apparently local police have decided that they have better things to do than hassle a local businesswoman, much to the consternation of the morally upright, who usually go in the store wearing a trenchcoat.
Sure, Alabama has its problems, but at least it’s the only state you can go to and pick up everything you need for a quiet night at the motel without leaving your car.
On a slightly related note, Sherri Williams is awesome.
Meanwhile, in California, where there are “medical” marijuana dispensaries all over the place, one of them, the Granny Purps dispensary of Soquel, has come up with a novel method of collecting food for the hungry: bring in four cans of food, receive one joint, with a three-joint-a-day limit.
The net result? Granny Purps, after putting in a strict “No Doritos or brownies” policy, took in 11,000 pounds of food, and handed out 2,000 marijuana cigarettes to the charitable souls of Soquel, and likely the other surrounding townships. It went to the Second Harvest Food Bank, which gladly accepted the food. Apparently, Granny Purps is picking up the slack from other local businesses that are struggling in the economy.
Isn’t it nice when your local dope peddler helps pitch in and feed the hungry?
- Meanwhile, in morally righteous news, environmentalists have finally given up on this whole “be nice to animals” kick and are going after a strategy that actually works: find animals we don’t want in the environment and eat ‘em. You see, Florida has a serious lionfish problem which is killing their local reef life and generally being annoying. Unfortunately for the lionfish, it also happens to be absolutely delicious. So the Reef Environmental Education Foundation has written a cookbook with 45 recipes, and also has been hosting lionfish derbies and tasting sessions. Finally, environmentalism we can get behind. (Yahoo!)
- Let’s see, we’ve covered lust, sloth, and gluttony, what’s another good sin. Oh, yeah, wrath, that’s a good one. Larry King’s replacement, Piers Morgan, is building a reputation as an Internet Tough Guy already. (Gawker)
KNOW YOUR STATS
- The most watched TV show of the last year? In fact, the last decade? Get out your barf bags and your insulin injections, it was…”American Idol”. Normally, we’d bemoan the lack of taste this shows possesses about one-tenth of the American public, but it’s huge all over the world, so we’re forced to blame humanity. That covers pride. (Entertainment Weekly)
- And the world’s richest man this year is Carlos Slim, worth $60 billion. Which covers both greed and envy, because not only can he buy and sell us a dozen times over…we’re jealous of that awesome name. (BBC)