As the economy does whatever it does to get better, our nation’s hardest workers are doing whatever they need to do to get by. And of course I’m talking about exotic dancers. In the case of one Riviera Beach, Florida, stripper, “whatever they need to do” means leaving her kids at home alone while dudes put money into her G-string. Unfortunately for her, that means that she was charged with four counts of child neglect as she shook her “thang” to random Buckcherry songs. Her children (ages 1,5,6 and 9…) have been taken into custody in the meantime, and I don’t know about you, but I smell a Sandra Bullock movie coming a mile away.
Meanwhile, undercover journalism has exposed a terrible conspiracy in Cleveland, as area strip clubs are not enforcing the Ohio state “no touch” law. Hidden cameras proved that dancers were either violating the mandatory distances required between a stripper and her clients or they were just ignoring the law altogether. In some cases, they even caught me lying on my back with $20 bills in my mouth… wait, hold on, I didn’t mean that. Um… It’s clearly LeBron James’ fault and the people of Cleveland should hate him forever.
Finally, an Atlanta mother took her kids to the Universoul Circus on a Sunday and she was quite upset with the acts that she witnessed. Instead of your standard trapeze artists and sad-clowns-turned-happy, the mom and her kids were exposed to routines that featured pimps, strippers and prostitutes. When reached for comment, every man in America asked, “How much are plane tickets to Atlanta?”
- In Russia, beer has always been categorized as “food stuff”. But in order to push a health mandate throughout the country, the government is finally categorizing the drink as alcohol. This means that the sales of beer will finally be regulated, and people won’t be able to buy it regularly in public places like schools. Wait, what? (The Telegraph)
- The town of Northwood, Iowa has been rocked with scandal after the discovery that an adult film company has been operating for quite some time above a simple flower shop. When reached for comment, citizens replied, “Northwood… Oh, now I get it!” (Des Moines Register)
KNOW YOUR STATS
- The average salary for an exotic dancer in the United States falls between $34,839 and $59,392. 92% of strippers in America are female, and 58% of them have between 1 and 4 years experience. 14% claim to have medical benefits and only 7% say they have dental. 86% have no benefits, unless you count knowing Charlie Sheen. (Pay Scale)
- On average, male strippers make $9,000 less annually than female strippers. Thankfully, after some serious research, it turns out that in every other profession on the planet, men make approximately 10-20% more. Finally, some equality. (Cha Cha)