In just a few hours, Comedy Central will air the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen, coincidentally on the same night that America’s favorite insane celebrity’s former show, "Two and a Half Men," will air with his replacement, Ashton Kutcher. You can bet your tiger-blooded butts that there will be plenty of jokes about that, as well as Sheen’s history of cocaine use, relationships with porn stars, and presumably the time he shot Kelly Preston, because that’s still kind of funny.
Of course, there’s also a good possibility that you may have already read about tonight’s jokes, since the roast actually took place last week, but reading comedy spoilers is stupid, because who wants a joke spoiled? So I’m not going to ruin any of tonight’s jokes for you, if you’re like me and actually appreciate the roasts for the hilarious comedians that are invited (despite, you know, never having met the roastee) and the unintentional hilarity of the celebrity guests who bomb (looking at you, Mike Sorrentino).
Instead, I thought we could look back at the best jokes from some of Comedy Central’s past roasts, including Denis Leary, Donald Trump, Joan Rivers, Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, and Pam Anderson, among others. I’m sure that I’ve left out some hilarious jokes, so feel free to add your own favorites in the comments and I’ll meet you back here tomorrow to talk about the best from Sheen’s roast. Deal? Deal.
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Gilbert Gottfried’s burn on John Stamos is still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.
Greg Giraldo on the birth of Gilbert Gottfried’s child: “Who would fuck you? You have the sexual appeal of a school bus fire?”
You have a drink called “secret fag?”
Tommy Lee’s dick is so long it has an elbow – Jeff Ross
You look like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape – Greg Giraldo
RIP Greg Giraldo, King of the Roast
Jeselnik’s burn on Snoop was epic.
“Look at this dais. You’ve got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer, and then 8 white people.”
Hey look, we can see Pamela’s nips in 29. I bet nobody’s ever seen those before.
lack of inclusion of any of norm macdonald’s jokes about bob saget is criminal
You’re right. In fact, I meant to add the entire video of his Saget performance and it slipped my nip. I mean, mind.
“Snoop Dogg, I’ve been told that you’re actually only 71% black. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if you’re 71% black, that makes you…29% not guilty.” -Larry King
Sulu’s cock ring? Just wow.
Great post. I always liked Greg Giraldo the best: “Flavor Flav looks like a skeleton wrapped in electrical tape”,
After all the easy targets Charlie Sheen has provided, professional comedians showing up to roast Charlie Sheen is like Paul Molitor playing in a t-ball game. A guy in the 3,000 hit club for hitting doubles and singles showing up to pound moon shots over 6-year-olds.
How do you not include Giraldo’s “Tranny Bonaduce” response to Kathy Griffin?
You could put almost anything Giraldo said at the Joan Rivers roast on this list. On David Hasselhoff’s liver: “Your liver is so black, shriveled and dead if you put your ear up to his side you can hear “What you talkin’ bout Willis?”"
I thought the best Giraldo joke directed at Flava Flav was “you are what Magic Johnson is SUPPOSED to look like!”
Greatest burn in history promptly goes to Jeff Ross to Courtney Love, “How is it you look WORSE than Kurt Cobain?”