AL — Evan Longoria homered for the third straight game and Scott Kazmir returned to his early season form, allowing just two hits in seven innings as the Rays shut out Oakland 4-0. They didn't actually laud any homosexuals; I just wanted the headline to rhyme some more… The Tigers beat up on a hapless Triple-A team, notching nineteen runs while waxing Kansas City. Miguel Cabrera had five hits, six RBIs, and seven compliments on how nice he looked… Josh Hamilton hit a three-run blast in the Rangers' 6-1 victory over the White Sox. What, only one home run the whole game, Hamilton? Young man, I don't expect anything less than 28 home runs from you. Per at-bat.
NL — Bill Hall's 10th-inning home run helped the Brewers beat the Cards 6-3. "Bill Hall" is such a great pedestrian name. I always feel like he should be a late-1970s middle infielder with a bushy mustache… The Padres rallied to score three runs in the ninth, then closer Trevor Hoffman escaped a bases-load picklejam as San Diego upended the Reds 6-4. The Padres are now 1-53 this season when they trail after eight innings. That's an actual stat. It makes France's war record look good… Rich Harden sucks. In his first start for the Cubs, he didn't drive in any runs to help himself out, so of course he got the loss. Oh, he also allowed one hit and one run in seven innings while getting out-dueled by Randy Johnson, who is now 13-0 against the Cubs in his career. Think about it: that streak probably began when he was on the Expos. Or the Louisville Grays.
I want more like this!
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