Best: The Ghan-Am Connection
With full credit for that name going to The Masked Man and @sweatingmullets, Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne’s tag team championship victory over Mike and Dave was a long time coming and a welcomed, progressive sight on Raw. Putting Kingston and Bourne (two exciting young guys the fans love who can’t really seem to do much besides be young and exciting) together as a formal tag team and the focal points of your refurbished division is an inspired move, and as much as I like to support The Old New Nexus I’d rather see them get released, because I want to see Rachel Summerlyn get excited and book David Otunga for a run in Anarchy Championship Wrestoing and because I never want to see Michael McGillicutty again.
The match itself was nothing special … Otunga and McGillicutty think “you hit him, now I’M gonna hit him” is a cohesive double team assault and Evan Bourne looked like he rolled three of his ankles slingshotting himself into the ring off the tag, but they got in the shooting star press (or the “450 splash” as Jim Ross called it… if you want to be anal, the shooting star press only turns 270 degrees, and Bourne would have to rotate all the way into a senton for J.R.’s call to be accurate) and they got in the BOOM taunt that never works, and that’s all you can expect. Honestly, if a genie granted me three wishes I’m pretty sure the second one would be for Kofi Kingston to actually hit somebody with Trouble In Paradise after he’s stood in the corner clapping hands and yelling boom for half a minute. Wish one would be to always have exact change. Wish three would probably have something to do with the cute girl from Paramore.
Worst: What Is Lawler’s Deal Tonight
After barely being able to sit through Daniel Bryan vs. Alberto Del Rio on Smackdown because of Michael Cole’s incessant belief that everything a man does or doesn’t do makes him a nerd (not owning a TV makes you a nerd? What kind of nerds do you know, Cole? Nerds would have SEVERAL TVs), I’m happy to say that Cole didn’t bug me much last night … it was Jerry Lawler who tried his best to ruin the show. I don’t know if Lawler was just overcompensating after six months of having to shout his way over Cole, his rampant, defiant burial of McGillicutty and Otunga and his bizarre suggestion that Del Rio would rather face CM Punk because he’s “easier to beat” really took a 13-year old dump in the show’s cereal. The Punk thing was the worst. Punk beat Cena cleanly, more or less, at the last two pay-per-views in high-pressure situations and was halfway to doing it again, but he’s way easier to beat than Cena? I think Kevin Nash lent Jerry some of his weird-beard hair dye and the King accidentally let it drip and seep under whatever it is they’ve got pulled around his face.
And don’t think I’m going to completely let Michael Cole off the hook. Daniel Bryan is one of the best in-ring performers in the entire world, but Cole repeatedly asserts that Bryan is not worth investing in because he’s boring. Lawler says Otunga and McGillicutty are boring and have no personality, so bi-polar ass Michael Cole says they’re the champions and get it done in the ring. Not everybody watching your show has the attention span of a goat, guys.
Best/Worst: The Loneliest Party
My favorite thing on the show might’ve been Kofi and Evan having the worst title win celebration in history. They’re backstage with Josh Mathews to celebrate the rebirth of the tag team division and Zack Ryder runs up to them with champagne and starts pouring it on them. He is quickly joined by Derrick Bateman and Titus O’Neil, who aren’t even ON the show (and who hate each other, but love gatherings) and … who is that, Aksana? Aksana has no idea what she’s doing, she’s just back there clapping, possibly under a net. So one guy, two Internet guys, the foreign lady Goldust almost married … and whosoever should appear but EVE TORRES, standing as far left as possible, guffawing and patting Kofi on the arm. EVE. Adding LEGITIMACY to this title party.
I’m as happy (possibly happier) to see Derrick Bateman on Raw as the next guy (he wasn’t kidding when he said he had an Internet contract unless champagne was involved), but they couldn’t have dragged out some commonly-appearing tag team guys to celebrate? Ryder is there, where’s Cut Hawkins? He’s supposed to be on the Raw roster. Where’s Primo? Primo isn’t doing anything. JTG could’ve shown up. Couldn’t they’ve at least put Scott Stanford and some production guys in the background to pad it out? Melina’s probably lurking in the background somewhere, bring her center-screen and let her whimper-cry about it.
Worst: Do Not Mention The Bushwhackers
One of the things WWE color commentator William Murderface said while explaining how McGillicutty and Otunga needed to show “zazz” was that the Bushwhackers showed more personality in five seconds than “these guys” have shown in their entire career. The Bushwhackers also f**ked sheep, Jerry. And they came up in an era where brutal violence was the norm and didn’t have to shave their bodies and do spinebusters on HD television. Also, gonna go ahead and say it, the Bushwhackers f**king blew. They did. Their interviews were just them going WHOAAAAAAAA and HEYYYYYYYYYYYY and pumping their arms, and no, I’m not TERRIBLY interested in David Otunga’s marriage to Jennifer Hudson, but that single factlet is more humanizing than 20+ years of f**ked up guys licking strangers in the hair. “Showing personality” is not a thing. Otunga’s NXT bits were full of personality, which is why he stuck around so long despite having the wrestling ability of a grape. His Starscream act under Wade Barrett was full of personality. At no point should it be contractually necessary for a pro wrestler to pop a half-squat and bug out his eyes at the camera to prove his worth.
If you want to be real, the f**king Bushwhackers should’ve been blackballed from wrestling when they shot on Urkel and Carl Winslow and incited a riot.
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