Best: John Cena’s Heel Persona Is Already Shining Through
John Cena used three huge, jort-shattering terms in his conversation with Punk:
2. Five Moves of Doom
3. Heel Persona
And guess what? He’s right about all three of them.
1. People who say Cena needs to “improve his workrate” should have to shampoo Jack Nicholson’s crotch. If you ask the average guy with a wrestling tumblr what “workrate” is, he’s going to tell you “doing moves”. Okay, he might not tell you “doing moves”, but that’s what he thinks. He thinks being exciting and doing moves is “workrate”, that’s why Davey Richards has a great workrate but Cena doesn’t. Sometimes they’ll pepper it with stuff like “great facials” or “showing emotion in the ring”. They have no idea what they’re talking about. When I first read that word on the Internet back in the long long ago, back when Jenny McCarthy was naked on Santa’s lap and it took five minutes to see, it was explained to me thusly: You know when a guy grabs another guy in an armbar? He can just sit there holding the armbar, or he can do something with it. He can wrench it in. He can start bending back the other guy’s fingers. He’s always DOING something. He doesn’t have his head down whispering about the next spots. That’s the loose idea of “workrate”. You’re a guy who is great at making fake wrestling look real. Then, several years later I saw a line from the Hardy Boyz autobiography about how Matt and Jeff have some of the “best workrate in WWE” and I realized “workrate” had joined “overrated” and “derivative” on the list of words that no longer mean a goddamn thing.
And regardless of how you define workrate, it should never, ever be used as a reason why you like somebody. It is pro wrestling’s version of “intangibles”. A guy with great workrate is “scrappy”. That means he’s 140 pounds and sucks at baseball.
2. As somebody who was forced to read Scott Keith because CRZ was too much of a reactionary dick, I’m one of those guys who uses “Five Moves of Doom”. It started with Bret Hart’s finishing sequence and got usurped by Cena sometime a few years back. It’s fun to point fingers at him when he’s shoulderblocking and proto-bombing and people are taking wild punches when they shouldn’t, and it’s still stupid that guys just lie there on the ground while he taunts and fist drops them. At the same time, yeah, he does more than five moves. He does that jumping leg drop thing now, so that’s six. A clothesline counts as seven. I’d say Cena regularly utilizes at least eight moves, so your point is invalid.
I’m kidding. But seriously, “moves” is not what pro wrestling is about, I don’t care how much you like Suicidal Dragon’s top ten lists. In kayfabe, you do what works. You don’t tell Dirk Nowitzki to stop doing his fadeaway jumper because he does it all the time. It f**king works. When he does it he scores. Cena has beaten ever dude in every version of every PWI 500 with those shoulderblocks and that Protobomb and the You Can’t See Me and the Attitude Adjustment. Sometimes he does the STF. It works. He wins. Why should he start trying to wrestle like Mariko Yoshida? The Spider Twist isn’t going to win him 10 more WWE Championships.
3. Heel Persona. Shut up, nerd.
If you’re paying attention, John Cena is already a heel. It’s why we’re booing him. He’s just an incredibly moral heel who is getting more and more boxed in. Remember how the Four Horsemen would get booed by everybody in the building except for those dudes in suits in the front row? Remember when Diesel would only slap your hand if you were wearing a black glove? U No C ME headbands are the new black gloves, and women and children are the dudes in the front row.
Best: John Laurinaitis Gets Kicked In The Head
Every show should end with this. He should fly into the sky and disappear in a sparkle of light.
Worst: Welp, Here We Go
Summerslam is Sunnerday, and yes, before you ask, I’m doing a Best and Worst Of. The only real problem is the Triple H As Referee thing. Here are our fantasy booking options, as I see them:
1. Cena pins Punk clean. Boring. Terrible.
2. Punk pins Cena clean. Boring, terrible, even if I’d like it personally.
3. Triple H sides with Cena, screws Punk. On Monday, Triple H must explain his actions!
4. Triple H sides with Punk, screws Cena. On Monday, Triple H must explain his actions!
5. Either guy wins, H brings out Del Rio to cash in Money in the Bank. On Monday, Triple H must explain his actions!
6. Neither guy wins. On Monday, Triple H must explain what will happen to the WWE Championship!
7. Triple H beats up both guys. On Monday, Triple H must explain his actions!
8. Triple H beats up both guys, pins one or both of them, makes self WWE Champion. On Monday, Triple H blarg blarg blarg
No matter what happens, there is a 100% chance that Monday’s show starts with Time To Play The Game and Triple H explaining somebody’s actions. That’s the rub. Cena and CM Punk are both popular and have legit claims to being WWE Champion, but none of it matters, because Triple H is The Game. That’s our next however long of wrestling. If Punk wins, chances are H will be there as the reason. If Cena wins, maybe Punk gets into a program with H, maybe H fires him again, maybe Triple H drives a tank into the arena and points at his dick as it explodes and we clap our hands.
It will surely be the biggest party of the summer.
I want more like this!
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