Best: Perfect American, or “Tag Teams Are Happening”
I don’t have much to say about the tag team match, possibly because Dolph Ziggler and Kofi Kingston being that close to each other makes me black out, but it was fine, and I liked it. Jack Swagger and Ziggler being subbed in two weeks later for The Miz and R-Truth was a thematic downgrade and made the match feel a little too much like Raw, but Space Jam continue to wear matching tights and have combo moves and Ziggler and Swagger seemed to have stopped trying to shove each other every twenty seconds. Progress, I guess. Ziggler is still the most kinetic person on the roster and Evan Bourne can get kinda exciting when he moves beyond the shooting star press and the jumping knee. I wish he’d stop doing that, though. By now wrestlers should just be stiff-arming him every time he does his nimble jump attack. Just put your arm out in front of you and his leg won’t hit you, and you’ll inadvertently shove him down, it’s the easiest defense in history. It’s like putting your hand on top of your little brother’s head so he punches nothing but air. What I’m saying is that Ziggler should go full-on Wayne Arnold on the kid, including but not limited to sucking his hamster up in the vacuum cleaner. Kofi Kingston is that hamster.
Worst: Stop Acting Like You’ve Never Seen Things
Evan Bourne countered a Jack Swagger powerbomb off the ropes into a hurricanrana. Dolph Ziggler got pulled out of the ring from behind by Kofi and did his best impression of the ending to [REC]. The Ghan-Am Connection got the win, and the announcers (when Booker T was done pointing out Boys Right There) mentioned that they’d never seen that before.
That seems to be going around a lot lately. History has been retconned and recommissioned so many times that every somewhat exciting thing that happened is BRAND NEW. I refuse to believe a company that employed Psicosis long enough to put him on a riding lawnmower indoors hasn’t seen somebody reverse a powerbomb into a headscissors before. John Cena has been doing that awkward jumping leg drop from the top rope since like 1991 and they call it like it’s a Tiger Driver ’91 every single time. It’s like the “Full House” laugh track, where they f**king chortle at Joey saying “cut it out” and doing hand gestures like he hasn’t done that five times per episode since the show started.
It’s also a little like the CBS Sports football announcers, who think that whichever football player most recently completed a play is one of the best and brightest and greatest magical angels of all time. “No other quarterback in football history could’ve avoided a tackle and thrown a touchdown pass except for MICHAEL VICK!” is a lot like Booker T saying Evan Bourne can “do it all” because he backflipped. Kelly Kelly can backflip, Book, it doesn’t make her a five tool player.
Worst: John Cena Is My Sunshine, My Only Sunshine
The Hell In A Cell poster with the flaming John Cena head bugged me for weeks (literally two weeks) because it reminded me of something, but I couldn’t remember what. Then, it hit me: the “Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air” episode where Will has to sing at the graduation ceremony with a bunch of eight-year olds and dresses like a sunflower. Compare/contrast:
Tomorrow’s Raw should feature Cena singing “You Are My Sunshine”, featuring Bumpy Knuckles.
I want more like this!
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