Best: This Is A Stable I Can Get Behind
For all the times they’ve mentioned Vickie Guerrero’s managerial services in the same breath as Bobby “The Brian” Heenan, this is how you do a Heenan Family. Dolph Ziggler is your Mr. Perfect, Cody Rhodes is your Adrian Adonis. Alberto Del Rio is more or less “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff, Jack Swagger is an amazing Ken Patera (no, seriously) and David Otunga is muscly and wrestles like a tryout student so he’s Hercules. I don’t know who Christian would be, and I don’t want to give him the Red Rooster.
But yeah, it’s like they decided to put all of my favorite wrestlers in a group together and add Jack Swagger. All they needed to do was put Otunga in his zip-up sparkling Nexus hoodie they never f**king sold on Shopzone and I’ll throw in 100%. Now all you need is to position them against a team of mid-card babyfaces that don’t include John Cena and you’ve got a printing press for money programs throughout the year, at least until you split them up and color-code the sides. Don’t make the same mistakes you made with the nWo, or at least don’t make the mistakes you made with The Corre (spelling their name weird and making their t-shirts look like Hostess cupcakes).
Worst: Why Did You Make Jack Swagger Speak Next To Last
One of the best thing about Raw’s Legion of Doom (not the Road Warriors, the actual Legion of Doom, the group of bad guys from the Superfriends who couldn’t accomplish even basically evil tasks) is the way they speak, and how different from each other they sound. I liked the batting order for this promo, with Alberto leading off, because he’s the most important person in the group, followed by Christian, because he’s the best in the group at getting a point across. The WWEFanNation YouTube video jumps from Alberto to Otunga to make room for Triple H, so it misses the best part: Cody Rhodes taking literally 45 seconds to say “this isn’t a conspiracy”. I can’t even spell it out phonetically, it’s like he transported the message to space with the Very Large Array from Contact and was decoding the alien response with his nostrils. Everything he does is so wonderfully extraneous. Eventually he’s going to morph into Lucien Callow and Fagan.
Cody was followed by Dolph, who is clearly great at conversational speaking but not completely sure what cadence he’s supposed to be using for the WWE Universe. Watch him in the Zack Ryder videos; he’s got a great memory for dialogue and can speak clearly, but it’s normal person speaking, not “Chris Jericho speaking” that the kids in the back of the arena can follow, assuming they aren’t just waiting for the pause to yell WHAT because their parents were brother and sister before they got married.
To tie this back in to the worst, Jack Swagger had like four words to say and he spat them out like Cindy Brady, and I don’t know whether he’s got a legitimate labor beef with the WWE front office or if he wants me to help him find Kitty Karry-All.
Super Worst: Triple H Hates Babies
Triple H is the king of seeming nonchalantly-confident in a point of view backed up only by the most basic blanket statements. Remember when the crowd was chanting CM PUNK, CM PUNK for three months, and Triple H refused to take him seriously because he had to “get over with these people”? He’s doing that again, except now his only response to growing unrest in the locker room, labor disputes and/or persons with work-related problems is “you’re being a baby”, sometimes phrased as “you’re being a girl”. Girls and babies are the problem.
Triple H’s point is this: The world of professional wrestling has always been full of back-stabbing and gang beatdowns and sneak attacks, so instead of complaining about it and trying to change or alter the world, you should make a stand and fight it out, something that makes you a man. In the real world, a company with a “Be A Star” anti-bullying campaign probably shouldn’t have their most popular and important guy saying “fighting is the solution to problems” multiple times every week, but in the actual pro wrestling world to which he’s referring, it’s even worse.
Triple H is telling a group of wrestlers that they’re unsuccessful because they aren’t fighting enough, regardless of the fact that nearly all of them wrestled at or in a Hell In A Cell the night before. He continued to tell them they should fight out their problems when he came to the ring for a Vote Of Confidence, immediately following a six-man tag match involving F**KING ALL OF THEM. Keep in mind that this is the same guy who fired The Miz and R-Truth FOR FIGHTING TOO MUCH. They weren’t getting noticed, so they stopped complaining and started beating people up. Triple H fired them and would not accept their apology because if they “do the crime” they’ve got to “do the time”. How are the wrestlers supposed to win? They’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t, and if they mention it they get dressed down verbally, dragged around by the tie or figuratively instructed to suck the boss’s dick.
To summarize, Triple H is the worst person in the world and the only person we’re supposed to be cheering.
Maybe Even Worse: Chicken Does Not Need to Be Fritos
I don’t want to get all “healthy” and “compassionate” in this wrestling report, but Christ almighty, if you are the kind of person who sees a chicken nugget matted into the shape of a Frito’s Scoop and think to yourself, “wow, I’d like to eat that, it’ll let me get slightly more ranch sauce in my mouth”, you are depressing and should stop being allowed to eat. You know what else lets you pick up dipping sauce? A F**KING NORMAL SHAPED PIECE OF CHICKEN. Is your dipping sauce WATER? Will it not rest on the part of the chicken you’re trying to eat long enough for you to get it into your mouth? Are you dipping your chicken, running a f**king obstacle course and then trying to eat it? And furthermore, why are you buying food from a restaurant that thinks a black woman going MMM HMMM GIRL LEMME TELL YOU about fried chicken is a good idea for a mascot in 2000-goddamned-11?
I want more like this!
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