Best: CM Punk’s Ric Flair Entrance, And An Explanation For That Random Video Package
I was wondering why they let Chris Jericho walk to the ring before playing the Punk vs. Jericho video package, but then CM Punk got the Ric Flair fireworks entrance and I figured it out (family style).
As that guy on the Internet who’s been watching local wrestling forever, it’s interesting to me that Daniel Bryan loses in 18 seconds on the same show CM Punk gets a fireworks parade and a victory in a “best in the world” match for the WWE Championship. Is it because he sat Indian style and spoke compellingly once? Ah well, I’m happy for him. Happy for both of them, really. I ran into Samoa Joe outside selling pretzels and he says he’s happy for them, too.
Best: Punk/Jericho As Savage/Steamboat, And An Explanation For That Daniel Bryan Match
CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho was the best match on the show.
That being said, I have the same complaints with it that a lot of you do — mostly that the “if you get disqualified you lose the match” stipulation added on like four seconds before the match started was pointless, and took too much away from the technically brilliant match you feel like they’d have planned out. It made sense from the point of view that Punk was gonna go crazy and kill Jericho with weapons for all that stuff he said about the Punk Family (“your nana is actually TWO YEARS OLDER THAN SHE SAYS, Punk. She’s a liar!” etc.), but it just didn’t feel important. You knew Punk wasn’t gonna waste it at WrestleMania, especially over some “your sister does drugz lol” bullsh*t.
Once the match got going, though, it was bonkers. That finishing sequence, from just before and all the way through Jericho turning a Lionsault into a Walls Of Jericho to counter knees, was the tops. I loved Punk finding logical, non-Kurt Angle ways to reverse his opponent’s finisher into his own, even if they had to go to the small package reversal sequence first to set it up. It was a match that made sense and followed through with itself, and while it wasn’t in the same starfield as Steamboat and Savage, it was the Steamboat and Savage of this show.
Also, I’m really sad I missed the follow-up to this on Raw. If Jimmy Rave shows up next Monday to try to scrape off Punk’s Straight Edge tattoo with a cheese grater I’ll be the happiest guy in grade four.
Best: These Drunk Assholes In Front Of Me
Oh God, these guys.
Okay, so you know how I put up the picture of the cute kid in the Cena shirt doing Cena taunts and told the story of the little boy next to him who got all tear-faced at the idea of Team Teddy losing? These two guys were sitting next to them, and holy sh*t were they a point of interest.
We couldn’t figure out if they were father and son (the one on the left is clearly much older than the one on the right), lovers (notice the placement of the arm, and I’m pretty sure they were talking to each other about sex for a portion of the show) or just drunk and lost. In addition to saying creepy things and smelling like diarrhea backwash, they did the following:
- Wore John Cena hats and forlornly held up John Cena taunts when he lost. Pretty certain this was racially motivated.
- Drank undisclosed brown liquid from tiny water bottles they’d snuck into the stadium. And I do mean “bottles”.
- Kept calling Shawn Michaels “McMichaels” like he was Mongo. Shawn would make one of his Emotion Faces and the guy’d be all C’MON MCMICHAELS STOP BEIN’ A PUSSAYYYYYY.
- Kept calling the Walls Of Jericho the “Jaws Of Jericho”.
- Speaking of “pussay”, they got FLAGRANT with the language, which is fine I guess but they were seriously sitting next to those Cena kids screaming about how Jericho could “go get f**ked”.
- They’d start chants and forget how to finish them. When Triple H hit the Undertaker with a chair I remember him saying “YEAH TAKE THAT T’YER …” and then just trail off.
- Looked like they were gonna vomit constantly, leading to me holding a camera up about shoulder level and subversively trying to keep it on them in case they spewed.
- Yelled out STEINER RECLINERRRR during the Jericho/Punk match and thought it was the funniest thing ever.
I don’t know. I guess they sat next to the Cena kids to be a matching set of stereotypical wrestling fan types.
Worst: Seriously, Look At His Tattoo
In case you can’t quite make it out, the younger guy’s tattoo is of TWO NUDE GARGOYLES SCISSORING.
Best/Worst: The Emotional Funkasaurus Rollercoaster
Best: The Funkasaurus’ music hitting out of nowhere, giving me that “oh cool the Funkasaurus is gonna have a squash match probably!” moment.
Worst: What happened
I like the Funkasaurus, and have been a little distant to the idea that the gimmick is racist, because yeah, it’s a fat dancing guy but just because he’s racially indeterminate and black ladies accompany him doesn’t mean he’s doing anything “racist” necessarily. So when he told us to take out our phones to call our Mamas, called HIS Mama and found out she was here, I hit that peak of excitement and fell down the Mount f**cking Everest of follows-through.
A black lady in a fat suit with an enormous butt came down to dance with her son. But that wasn’t enough — she’d brought “the bridge club” with her, so out walks 20 other women dressed like that to dance in time. I didn’t know what to think. I thought maybe Stymie from Our Gang would wander out and drink gasoline and maybe Spanky would accidentally turn Cotton into a monkey. It was one of those moments where the good will of wrestling racism turned into the smiling Coon Chicken face of wrestling racism and I just shut off. So the Funkasaurus may be ruined for me now. I’ll have to see.
Oh, the only good part of this was the establishing fact that Brodus Clay’s Mama is human (and funky), which zoologically means she made Brodus by f**king a dinosaur. Now that’s a story I want told.
I want more like this!
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