Best: NWA Smoky Mountain’s CAGE OF DEATH~
Okay, so this didn’t happen on Raw, but I’m spending the week at my parents’ house in Bristol, Virginia, and had to share it. If you follow me on Twitter you know about this already, but I ditched a minor league game in Bristol to catch NWA Smoky Mountain’s CAGE OF DEATH show, and it was the type of show you have to write about in CAPITAL LETTERS. It featured:
- Ricky Morton, who is still alive (and awesome)
- A two ring battle royal
- A black guy in full Hayabusa gear
- A homeless man dressed like Psicosis with velour shoulderpads (he was the champion)
- Post-match respect speeches with no microphone
- A fat guy pretending to be Heath Ledger’s Joker (this is at every show)
- Two intermissions, one of which was to fix a malfunction in the ring, which would’ve been fine if they did not have TWO RINGS
And to top it all off, the show was main-evented by the CAGE OF DEATH, a War Games match advertised as “one fifteen foot high steel cage, one barbed wire cage” that delivered roughly fourish sides of steel cage and two hastily put-together arrangements of lumber with maybe four strings of rubber barbed wire wrapped around them. It was amazing.
As you can see from the video, none of the cage walls touched and they had to have a Young Boy (or whoever) stand under each one and hold it up. Before the match, they told people in the front row to relocate if they “could not move quickly”, because the cage walls were just gonna fall on us. Nobody got thrown into the barbed wire cage walls (to avoid a lawsuit, I’m guessing) but the Joker guy did try to roll around in the wire for a minute. It didn’t even stick to his clothes. The War Games match ended with only two guys in the ring, doing the Cena/Umaga Royal Rumble finish.
So please understand that it is with the CAGE OF DEATH ringing in my head I tried to watch an episode of Raw at my parents’ house.
Worst: All Right All Right, I’ll Recap John Cena’s Nonstop Reiterations
That’s what’s bugging me the most about Cena right now, and what’s bugged me since the first few weeks of the formal Rock feud — Cena’s not really saying anything BAD (Star Wars promo notwithstanding), he’s just saying the same thing over and over.
With the Rock, he mentioned that the Rock was never there, he’s ALWAYS there and the Rock played the tooth fairy in a movie once. Then he mentioned it on repeat for weeks. Against Brock, he said he was gonna FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT, and he said it again the next week, and again the next. He did something similar with Show, and now that the feud with Show is over he’s moved on to explaining how he’s in the Money in the Bank ladder match to keep Show from winning. He mentioned it last week, he mentioned it again last night. He’ll probably mention it next week.
I know you’ve got to speak a little more slowly than natural and reiterate some stuff to drive it home to the WWE Universe, but damn dude, we get it. We understand your motivation. If Travis Bickle had spent the entirety of his movie saying “I’m socially awkward and feel like I need to save people who don’t want to be saved” he wouldn’t have been in Taxi Driver, he would’ve been in Garden State. Don’t be Garden State, John. Nobody should have to be Garden State.
Best: Chris Jericho And Daniel Bryan
One of the major highlights of last night’s show was the pretty-obvious-in-retrospect reveal that Chris Jericho and Daniel Bryan are great together, and should either be blood rivals or a regular tag team. It worked in the opening segment, when Jericho managed to obnoxiously point out that Bryan’s insecure about his catchphrase because it’s the only thing that’s ever gotten him over and he’s afraid he won’t have another because that is absolutely true, and it hit without making Bryan look less important. It made him look like they’re trying to make him look.
It worked again during the backstage YouTube Poop segment a little later, when Bryan took the first opportunity to start shouting “yes” and Jericho responded by just mindlessly screaming his own catchphrase. It’s not something that should work, but these guys are great at what makes pro wrestling great, so it does.
Give Bryan the belt at Money In The Bank, pair the new Macho Man with the new Elizabeth, do a double turn to get Punk closer to fine and feud Bryan with heel Jericho for the next six months. Everybody in the world is suddenly super happy.
Worst: The Most Important Person To Your WWE Career Isn’t Vince, It’s The Music Guy
You don’t need connections in The Business, an incredible amount of talent, indescribable charisma or impossible luck — you just need to be friends with the sound guy, because whoever’s music plays at the end of the segment is the winner.
That’s what Show did. He interrupted the Interruption Segment and a fight broke out, and when he knocked everybody down, Jeff (the sound guy, I’m assuming) hit the “WELL IT’S THE BIG SHOW” button and declared Show the victor. I mean sure, the other guys could’ve stood up and resumed fighting … they get knocked down like that in wrestling matches all the time, they’re just waiting for you to pull them up so they can start throwing back elbows or whatever. That’s how wrestling works, Jeff. You should until 1) official match entrances and 2) a bell ringing and a referee’s decision before playing somebody’s theme. Otherwise you’re just accompanying their walking, and that’s weird.
Worst: I Guess The Ryback Has Been Quarantined To Smackdown
Those stupid Goldberg chants are going to make me have to start recapping Smackdown, aren’t they.
I want more like this!
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