My favorite part of this past fantasy football Sunday was a Tweet from ESPN’s resident guy who points out the obvious, Darren Rovell, about Jacksonville Jaguars QB Chad Henne only being owned in .5% of ESPN fantasy leagues. Well, no sh*t, Sherlock. If you were in my league and you had Henne on your bench, you’d either have to be the biggest Jags homer on the planet or every QB that you had on your roster has died this season. And if you started him, I’d tie you to a wooden pole and burn you for witchcraft.
But as always, that’s the fun of fantasy football hindsight. It’s easy for Rovell and Co. to wag their fingers and shout, “I can’t believe nobody had the fortitude to pick this guy up!” Now they get to snort and chortle while their colleagues in the fantasy expert division bang their computers with rocks and try to figure out what went wrong.
This is where we join them, in the With Leather Fantasy Football Support Group, to complain about the guys who either unexpectedly spanked us or those who let us down beyond belief.
Let’s start with the guys who should have been expected to bust out like they did:
QB: Matt Schaub (47), Robert Griffin III (40), Tom Brady 31), Drew Brees (26), Peyton Manning (26)
I’m willing to take RG3 out of there because he hasn’t been consistent, but you can’t complain about those other guys. And if you’re complaining that they didn’t score enough, nobody feels bad for you.
No RBs that we expect to put up elite numbers each week had a great week, so that’ll probably be a consistent complaint.
WR: Andre Johnson (33), Dez Bryant (20), Calvin Johnson (17), Vincent Jackson (17) AJ Green (15), Randall Cobb (14)
I think Cobb has earned his spot in the expected category by now. He’s putting up the numbers that we always hoped for from Greg Jennings when we’d draft him in the second round and then try desperately to trade him after Week 3. As for Bryant, he’s been mostly awful this season, but this is how he’s supposed to play. You may have hoped for him to be awful, but you should have expected a good game.
TE: Rob Gronkowski (25), Vernon Davis (14)
Damn it, Gronk. You were supposed to be my rock for the playoff run. I’m gonna miss you, bro.
And now the guys that we didn’t expect to kick our asses:
QB: Chad Henne (38), Colin Kaepernick (22), Brandon Weeden (18)
Again, if someone started Henne against you, your luck is in the toilet. I can see someone being desperate and needing to start Kaepernick, but against the Bears, that should have been terrible news.
RB: Marcel Reece (19), LaRod Stephens-Howling (18), Bilal Powell (17)
I don’t really want to include Reece here because he’s been coming on strong since Darren McFadden suffered his annual injury, but Howling personally kicked me in the balls. And if you started Powell, congrats. If someone started him against you, See: Henne, Chad.
WR: Justin Blackmon (29), T.Y. Hilton (22), Danario Alexander (21)
What if all Henne or Blackmon needed was each other? What if they’re suddenly the next Manning to Harrison? I think I’ll vomit. Honestly, though, I can see a situation for someone needing to start any of these three guys. I started Alexander because I was tired of 3 or 4 points from Vick Ballard or Jonathan Dwyer each week. I wouldn’t have started the other guys, but it wouldn’t have been baffling if someone else did.
TE: Garrett Graham (20), Benjamin Watson (16), Marcedes Lewis (16), Jermichael Finley (12)
Of these four, I’d expect that people would have started Lewis. No way in hell someone started Graham or Watson, and if they did, strap ‘em to a wooden pole. But if you’re one of those poor SOBs that held on to Finley all season, waiting for him to pay off? Good for you. Smile a little brighter this week.
And now the guys who probably ruined the most weeks:
QB: Matt Ryan (2), Joe Flacco (6), Ryan Fitpatrick (7), Matt Stafford (11)
I’ve had Stafford benched for 3 weeks now in favor of Carson Palmer. He ruined my auction league for me. I’ll get to that first dude in a moment.
RB: Reggie Bush (3), Rashard Mendenhall (4), Matt Forte (5), Arian Foster (6), Willis McGahee (6)
I want to make a new rule that we can’t crap on a guy if he got hurt. I’ve always been a big fan of McGahee and his resurgence has been inspiring these past few years. That said, *shakes fist at Foster*
WR: Larry Fitzgerald (1), Mike Williams (2), Julio Jones (3), Jordy Nelson (4), Danny Amendola (4)
With the exception of Arizona Cardinals fans, is there an NFL fan on the planet right now that doesn’t want to see Fitzgerald on another team? This is depressing already.
TE: Antonio Gates (1), Tony Gonzalez (2), Heath Miller (2)
In fairness, you can’t expect these guys to blow up every week. In fact, if you drafted Tony Gonzalez, you should send him a fruit basket for what he’s done to this point.
Defense: Chicago Bears (3)
The Bears defense would be my big pick for the player that hurt me most this week, but I’m going to pin that on Matt Ryan. In my keeper league, I lost by 50-something because of duds from Ryan, Julio Jones and the Bears. But 5 picks? Not cool, Matty Bro.
So let’s hear it, friends. Who killed you or helped you kill?
I want more like this!
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