Worst: Sheamus Is Such A Piece Of Shit, I Mean Seriously
Dead Man Down was not eligible for this year’s Academy Awards, Sheamus, you f**king asshole.
Last week’s segment didn’t make any sense:
If you missed it, here’s what happened: Wade Barrett has a small role in Dead Man Down, a Colin Farrell/Noomi Rapace revenge-and-guns thing. Sorta like when Christian was “guy in the background #2″ in Shoot ‘Em Up. Anyway, Wade intros his trailer, we watch it, and he’s in it for like half of one shot. He gets interrupted by Sheamus FROM BACKSTAGE, because he wanted to bother Wade, but didn’t have the energy to actually wander out and do it for real. Sheamus says the movie looks good. Wade Barrett, unmic’d, starts screaming about how Sheamus ruined his “special moment.” Sheamus announces that we’re out of time (??) and without actually leaving the ring to film something important (like an interview or a match or an announcement or whatever) the camera just pans to the right so Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole can show you those stupid WWE toys that play with themselves. AND THAT’S THE SEGMENT.
This week’s segment was even worse, somehow. Sheamus, who still does not have any possible reason to be doing this, puts on a suit, comes down to the ring and orchestrates this wacky gag where he shows the Dead Man Down trailer again, pauses it during Wade’s one shot, then non-stop badgers the guy who got a role in a legitimate mainstream movie for having gotten a small role in a legitimate mainstream movie. Wade wanders out and says what we’re all thinking: it’s cool to be in a movie, and Sheamus seems weird and jealous. Sheamus responds by calling Wade Barrett ugly. Barrett takes the WIDEST, SLOWEST SWING EVER and Sheamus ducks it, so Barrett ESCAPES IN TERROR. The segment ends with Sheamus, the guy who is NOT in the movie you’re supposed to be promoting, being celebrated while the announcers continue to make fun of Barrett for being in a movie.
Remember how we decided that Sheamus is a five-year old? Apparently the audience is a bunch of five-year olds, too, so when Wade’s like “it’s stupid for you to be mad at me for this, being in a movie is cool,” Sheamus can go NUH UH, SHUT UP and is the HERO because people who accomplish things think they’re better than us. I feel like I’ve typed this a hundred times now, but go f**k yourself, Sheamus.
Yes please. After last week’s hacky ‘Office’ rehash, I’m proud to report that Brad Maddox and Vickie Guerrero have come up with a vaudeville routine of finishing each others’ sentences and adopting a celebrity couple name and I love it. Maddox is secretly my favorite character on the show right now, I think, and his read of, “Excuse me, too! As well.” was only rivaled by Vickie’s “that’s the point” into cackles.
I think what made Vickie’s line work is that she was actually saying “that’s the point, you stupid dolt comedy character, what are you doing with your life, get your shit together, I mean seriously.” Look at her face. She is TOTALLY saying that.
Worst: The Tag Team Division Is A Garbage Joke
As wrestling fans, it’s hard for us to explain the difference between outrage regarding a booking decision (like “CM Punk lost to John Cena”) and outrage regarding a super stupid pointless-for-real booking decision, like having your tag team champions beat one of their only remaining contenders while wearing a blindfold and having one of their arms tied behind their back. With the first, we’re in the wrong. We get mad about stuff and vocalize it when we should trust the billion dollar global company’s reasons and executions, because they know more than us and have been doing this for a long time. With the second, anybody with a brain is in the right to say “this is a horrible, stupid thing you’re doing,” because yeah, we don’t work for you and we aren’t in This Business, but we also don’t want to watch you tread water and damage control your dead lower appendage of a roster because you can’t stay focused for two whole cycles.
This was awful and a waste of time. It made everyone involved look stupid. The Prime Time Players are worthless, and in a few months when you decide to give them the “this is the team that is WINNING now” push, we won’t believe it. Kane doesn’t look good beating two worthless guys with one arm. Daniel Bryan in a gimp hood having blindfold matches is depressing. Book them against each other, book them against a team that matters, your call. Just don’t book them as “the only two good tag team wrestlers” if you’ve got 20 other tag team wrestlers on your roster, because Jesus Christ why do you need this explained to you.
Best: Damien Sandow Talking To Michael Cole And Jerry Lawler Is Like Me Trying To Talk To Wrestling Fans At Live Events
Here’s Sandow’s conversation with the announcers, paraphrased:
Cole: “So, you know you’re gay, right”
Sandow: “What? I am heterosexual.”
Cole: “You know how Cody Rhodes grew a mustache? I think he’s in love with you!”
Sandow: “Cody can grow a mustache. He is a grown-up.”
Lawler: “Heh, you call it a LOVE STACHE.”
Cole: “love stache means you’re gay”
And so on. Damien Sandow is a jerk about being smart, but I’m starting to think he’s just the protagonist of WWE’s realtime remake of Idiocracy, and in six weeks he’ll sit down to color commentary and get told to go away, because King’s batin’. I’m sorry, Damien. I like you a lot for being an adult who can read, if that helps.
And yes, Cole, “bromance” is in the Urban Dictionary. You know what else is in the Urban Dictionary? Felching. That’s what you’re doing every time you open your mouth.
Worst: Cody Rhodes, Antonio Cesaro and Dolph Ziggler Are All Losers
Here’s a preview clip of me writing next week’s report:
I want more like this!
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