This week’s celebration of the world’s greatest month-long religious holiday, Spring Break, takes a step back from watching women embarrass themselves and focuses on the age-old tradition of bros being bros. For this classic moment, we travel all the way back in time to 2012, when two high school bros got a crash course in righteousness on a pier in beautiful Rockport, Texas.
Timmy “Porkchop” McElroy was no stranger to feeling left out. The backup right guard on the Alamo Heights football team, Timmy has long lived in his older brother’s shadow, as the state football trophies spilled over into his bedroom before he even knew how to wear a cup. Yep, life was good for Texas football star David “Cannon” McElroy III, as he was able to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and that included throwing insane high school Spring Break parties with his bros at the beach in Rockport.
Well, 2012 was going to be the year of the Porkchop, and he didn’t care what anyone said. Alamo’s starting RG punctured his urethra after accepting a challenge to jump over the barbed wire fence at Buck Farble’s cattle ranch, so Timmy was going to be starting for the first time in his life, and he was going to use that opportunity to show his parents – oil corporation attorney David McElroy II and Clarabell McElroy, a former three-time Miss Texas runner-up – that he could make them proud, too.
But first… a little celebration with the boys.
Timmy’s best friend was Kevin “Farts” Bogdonovich, who was also Alamo’s punter, and he wasn’t exactly the coolest kid in town, but he made up for his social awkwardness and Chron’s Disease by having a cool uncle who bought him kegs whenever he asked. Now, uncle “Cheech” wasn’t technically allowed by law to have contact with high school students, but he wasn’t going to let “that sum bitch judge” get in the way of him helping Kevin and the gang have a good time.
With the keg loaded into Cheech’s heavily-tinted Mark III van, Timmy and Kevin headed out to the Rockport Days Inn to meet up with the rest of their teammates and, with a little luck, the prettiest girls in their school. Sadly, nobody showed. Mainly because everyone knows about Cheech and keeps a great distance. But that didn’t stop the “world’s coolest uncle” from ordering some strippers.
Of course, Cheech wanted the strippers for himself, so he bribed the boys to leave the hotel room and head down to the dock, where the boy who jumped off the dock first would earn himself a crisp, new $100 bill. Unfortunately for Timmy, that $100 bill wasn’t enough to pay for the hospitals bills, nor would it cover the pain in his heart when the doctor would tell him that his first season as a starter was over before it even began.
Where Are They Now: Ironically, Timmy ended up winning his father’s favor with that ill-fated jump from the dock, as the oil lawyering game had been a little slow. The McElroy family filed lawsuits against the city of Rockport, Days Inn, Uncle Cheech, the liquor store that sold him the keg and even the entire Bogdonovich family, resulting in more than $12 million in settlements. That money helped pay for a number of family expenses, including the hospital bills for Cannon, who broke his arm in six places in a fight at a Baylor frat house, and a sizable donation to Craig James’ senate campaign.
I want more like this!
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